Parenting Tips: Queen Bees and Wanna-bees

Tis the season of outdoor recess at schools all across the country. This signals not only the coming of the spring season, but a much trickier season. If you have a daughter anywhere near adolescence you need to be prepared for the social challenges of... bee-season.  


If you've ever dealt with the social swamp of teen and adolescent girls, you know that it can be a mind-bogglingly cruel time.  Queen Bees and WannaBees. Those on the inside and those on the outside.  Forewarned is forearmed.  If you deal with adolescent girls run, don't walk, to the nearest library or bookstore. Find THE GIRLS by Amy Goldman Koss [copyright 2000, Dial Books for Young Readers.. a division of Penguin Books]. It has been around for awhile so you can probably find it used. Like many of Koss' books it has won numerous awards!

THE GIRLS opens with one member of a girl's clique discovering that she is suddenly out of favor and is being shut out by the group. Loyalties and friendships are tested as each girl decides what to do. The book is a quick read with short chapters, each from a different girl's viewpoint. Read it.  Have your daughter read it. Read it together.  Anything that will let you open a conversation about social circles, cliques, and loyalties. By discussing the choices that each "fictional" girl makes, your daughter can safely talk about those choices without feeling that you are personally confronting or questioning her life. Make it clear you are not interested in names, but talk about whether any of the girls in the book remind her of girls in her school. Let the conversation open up now and then as her mood and inclination allows.  It is a wonderful chance for you to talk about the effects of what the book's characters choose to do. You can also suggest or discuss strategies the characters in the book could have tried that might have worked out better.

Check out the book THE GIRLS and get a realistic view of the social jungle that is quite likely your daughters' social jungle.  It makes Survivor look like  Mr. Roger's Neighborhood!

P.S. Koss also wrote one about bullying, that I have ordered, but not yet received.  I'll let you know when I've read it, but it, too, has won awards and high praise.

Image credits: amygoldmankoss.net

Soapbox: Patch Adam's Recap

For ten weeks of Wednesdays we have looked at Dr. Patch Adams prescription to heal society and make a better world. I have taken one of his question's each Soapbox Wednesday since Jan 26th.  I thought it would be good to recap by listing all of them together in his order, with the dates I blogged about each.  Maybe those of you who read my blog could send a quick comment reaction?  Which ones did you try? Which looks toughest?   Which would you like to try? Which are achievable? What things are stopping us?etc. I'd really love to hear from you!

1. If no one wants to end up in a nursing home, what kind of community can celebrate all ages together and honor elders?  [Feb 9]

2. Could you choose at least one child you're not related to and give them the time and care they need? [Mar 9]

3. If compassion and generosity were the measure of success that money and power are now, how would your life change? [Mar 2]

4. In order to bond your neighborhood in healthy interdependence you would need to host weekly potlucks. Would you?  [Feb 2]

5. If being publicly joyful, even silly, were beneficial for our society, would you participate? [Jan 26]

6. If you have rooms at your home, why not take in single parents as a gift? [Mar 23]

7. How can we move to an economics of friendship? [Feb 16]

8. Could you do ten or more volunteer hours each week to make a healthier world? [Feb 23]

9. Do you dare to be universally friendly to end violence? [Mar 16]

10. Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to an environmental sustainability project? [Mar 30]

Patch Adam's Ten Questions to Help Heal Society:
Take 10 and Call Me in the Morning!

website: http://www.patchadams.org/questions.htm

Focus on Fostering: Explosive or Calm?

I live near the ocean and as a child spent some time each summer by the ocean.  Somehow over the years, I began to equate watching the water [especially waves] with calm.  If I am having a terrible day, the most healing place to go is to sit [in my car if it is December!] by the ocean and watch the waves for even just 5 minutes.  Somehow as each wave recedes it takes away some of my anger and frustration, and as each fresh wave comes in it brings me a bit of resilience and renewal. 

Perhaps because of that I came to believe that everyone needs a calm spot. As a foster parent my household needed this even more than a more typical home. This concept has helped me with some of the kids who tend to be explosive, or defensive, or any of the other types of high emotion that seem to be beyond their ability to control. 

What is a Calm Spot?
     I have asked each of my kiddos to chose a Calm Spot.  They can try out different ones to find the best.  Sometimes they need to change their spot. What is a calm spot?  I tell them it is a place they can go when they feel like their insides are going too fast, their feelings are going to explode, etc. It should be a place where they can calm themselves down and be safe until they do.  A corner, A cushion, A stairway, Even an open closet.Let them choose.

How do you set up a Calm Spot?
     Some of my kids even have a Calm Box in their Calm Spot.  One child's calm box has clay for pounding or stretching, a coloring book and crayons, a maze book and pen, kleenex, and scrap paper for ripping or scrunching....all needed for different stages of calming down. [My older kids put in a cheap CD player with a favorite CD.] 
     It is important that the child help pick the spot and the items for the box and that you do it at a time when all is well with the child.  That's when you explain that when he needs to calm down he can go to his spot and use her box until he feels calm or until she thinks she can come back and be ok. They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  Tell them that if you are watching them and think that maybe they need it you might ask them if they need it. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.


  
How do you use a Calm Spot?
      When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!
      If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. Still stay calm.  Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  Re-state that when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot it isn't a punishment, it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  


Me too
Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot, that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.
Everyone needs a Calm Spot.  


Image credits: myhappycrazylife.com,davincimethod.com, inhabitots.com, maine-seascape.blogspot.com

School Bell: Breakfast Cereal Tip

Do you have trouble getting breakfast into your kids before they run out the door for school?  I haven't found a perfect solution, but I have a couple of tricks that have helped at my house.  Today, a tip for the dry cereal eaters.

As part of the bedtime routine, I have each child pick out what cereal they want for breakfast the next day.  Each child pours their cereal of choice into one of the sealable food storage bowls*, individual size.  [This keeps the cereal from getting stale overnight, or attracting pets etc.] They set out a spoon, bowl, glass at their table place and place the storage bowl inside the cereal bowl.

On a normal morning, they are all ready to pour the cereal into the bowl add milk and eat. It goes MUCH faster without having to get everything out or make a cereal choice. [My kiddoes sometimes are incapable of making the smallest decision in the morning.] Bonus: Kids can mix cereals, for fun or to use up the odds and ends.

As soon as I get up I try to lay out the milk and some fruit all ready cut for them to add individually. If they oversleep or are running late they can eat it right from the storage bowl. If really late, they just grab the storage bowl and/or fruit baggie to finger nibble while walking to school, on the bus if allowed, or at snack during school.

* Saving money and going green: Yes you could use prepackaged single servings, but they are $$. You can use baggies but food storage bowls are reusable, don't squish the fruit, and you can add milk without needing a bowl.

All the research shows that school progress and attention is more likely if children have had breakfast before school. So anything we can do to make breakfast easier is a way to make their studying easier. I explained that to my kiddoes [often!] and with those who said they were "too old to need breakfast" I offered a slightly bizarre deal.  Any morning you go along and eat breakfast before school I will give you a choice of 5 minutes less required homework time, or 5 minutes extra help with homework. It worked, and eventually they learned for themselves that they were more energetic and alert on the mornings they ate.

What are your favorite breakfast tricks?

Image credits:  jackandjohn.wordpress.com, abetterbagofgroceries.com, asia.ru, elise.blogs.com

Caring Heart: A Good Boyfriend

Dating brings special challenges for children whose first exposure to male-female relationships may have included abuse. Not only does the child's self-image put them at risk, but risky relationships are sometimes the most familiar to them.

A Good Boyfriend

This one is ore like it.  Finally she is showing some respect for herself.  She is expecting to be treated well instead of exprecting to be mistreated and accepting it.  I was worried that she was just going to repeat what she saw as a child.  I feared that she had so little self-confidence that she thought it was okay for the others to have treated her so badly.  Okay to be watched. Okay to be controlled. Okay to be dominated, even to be hurt. I was so fearful for her, God.  I could not seem to get through to her.  But this one at last is a different one.  He is thoughtful.  He listens to her.  He encourages her to stand up for herself, even when she disagrees with him. Help her to continue to set high standards for herself and those who love her.  Thank you for keeping her safe until she was strong enough to keep herself safe.  Help her continue to value herself.  


Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker     Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Quick Takes: Two Parent Book Faves

My two personal favorite parent resources:

For NEW parents:

Regular ol' parents can find a community online more easily.  To get an idea of some of the great mom-blogs without going online check out the book:
Sleep is For the Weak: The Best of the Mommybloggers by Rita Arens and Stacey Morrison

This book includes entries from 25 of the best mommy blogs online and are written short enough to be read in the teeny moments a new mom can snatch.  It includes a wide range of themes and styles, great to inspire, amuse, and comfort a new mom. It also lets you get a feel for different bloggers and then you can go online and follow the ones you enjoy. I have enjoyed giving this to new moms I know and they all rave about it.

For ALL parents:

Long-time parenting expert MicheleBorba's has written oven 20 books, but the must-have for every parent's shelf is:

TheBig Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and WildestWorries

This encyclopedia-like book is a totally readable, scanable resource for every parent and an amazing bargain for the price.  It covers basic problems, little kids to big kids, and today's  newest concerns. Borba gives readers red flags to watch for, basic tips for handling each issue, and where to go for more information.  For under $15 you cannot do better!!!

For Foster Parents:

Connect with other foster parents online at  fostercarecentral.org  Click on this to take a peek and get started.

Go to National Foster Parent Association and click on their map to find a support group near you. Or click on their foster parent tools and resources for an extensive list of where you can go online to find more help in specific areas.

Image credits: amazon.com

Anything Can Happen: April Fool's

Happy April Fool's Day!  

Whether you are plotting, planning, or just trying to survive today, here are two past pranks to look back on and enjoy:

Google is well known for its creative April Fool's Day celebrations.  So, be sure to click on over to Google and see what they have come up with this year.  Remember the year they changed their name to Topeka, because supposedly the town of Topeka was changing its name to Google?  [Read the 2010 story].

Another good one was Richard Branson's Virgin Airlines promo for the near future colonization of Mars. Full-featured complete with video messages from Branson and all kinds of links, great fun. Check it out.

H a v e     F u n   !   ! 

Image credits:  sodecide.com