Parenting Tips: Tame the Worries...pt 1

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....

Image crdits:

emotionalmachines.org,

looktothenorth.wordpress.com,

sodahead.com

Parenting Tips: Teaching Trust

Trust is so hard to teach.  It is so easily broken and so hard to regain.  Trust is the best example I know for teaching the difference between natural consequences and logical ones.  Natural consequences are what happen regardless, logical consequences are consequences that someone imposed deliberately [and hopefully connected in a logical way to the offense]. Regarless of the punishment a parent imposes for a child breaking trust the natural consequence that happens is that feeling inside the parent who no longer quite trusts as implicitly.

Here is my favorite way to teach kids about trust: 

Show a plain piece of paper all smooth and clean. This is how trust is when it has never been broken.  Bend it a bit then smooth it.  It is almost as smooth, but not quite. This is trust that has been pushed and tested a bit.  After a bit it will seem smooth, and if put under a weight [of more success] it will smooth even further.  But each time it is twisted or crumpled it becomes a bit more worn and takes a lot more work to smooth.  


Important note:
I DO  teach children that  unlike paper, children can be forgiven, children can experience grace. I think it is vitally important that children not feel that there is no returning from broken trust. That is my only quibble/warning with the quote and illustration.

Parenting Tips: Neater Clothes pt 2

OK, so last week I blogged about ideas for helping kids keep their folded clothes folded.  Today, how can they get them folded  in the first place.  NO, not by you folding them.  By them folding their own shirts. Shirts seem scary to fold, but their are two really simple ways to fold shirts that you can teach children easily.

#1- Buy a Flip and Fold.
I know, most "As seen on TV" things are pretty useless, but this is actually really helpful.  Even developmentally challenged kids can learn by using a flip n fold.  After a while they will no longer need the tool, but can do it on their own in just a few simple steps.  Yes, it's $19 but wouldn't you pay $19 to get your kids to fold their own shirts????

#2- Make Your Own Folding Machine!
If you want to save the $19 and get the kids involved, check out this kids' video for how to make your own Flip n Fold! It's easy and kid-doable as demonstrated by these students and set to the Mission Impossible theme music! [There are also other youTube videos for making your own. ]

#2- Learn the Japanese system for folding t-shirts. 
In just three quick and easy steps a shirt becomes neatly folded.  I don't find it any better than my system BUT...My kiddos are usually awestruck when they first see it done.  "How did you DO that?" etc. Teach them so they can amaze their friends at camp of sleepovers.  They will be a hit! Best of all, they will be so intrigued that, like practicing a "magic" trick, they will soon be able to fold [or Re-fold] their own clothes!

#3- Teach them your favorite way.
I have my own 3 step system that I find just as easy as either of the above, but that's because I have had so much practice! [:-)   The advantage of the two systems above is that neither is "Mom's system" and... anyone with adolescents or teens knows that any system will be preferred to "Mom's" system!

Video thanks and credits to youTube

Parenting Tips: Neater Clothes pt 1

Here's an idea [actually two!] to try to help your kids keep their drawers looking and functioning better.

Stacking things horizontally in the drawer [the traditional way] inevitably means the kids will paw through the pile repeatedly until it looks like a sorting pile in the back of a Goodwill store.  Avoid that by stacking the clothes items vertically so they can see at a glance the item they are looking for. They may still paw, but usually only the adjacent clothes may be displaced, not the whole drawer!

My Alternative:
For several key years I went one step farther.  I removed the dressers from the rooms and replaced them with bookcase shelves. When we folded clothes we stacked them into like-item piles. When they put them away, the whole stack went to the photo-labeled spot on the shelves. One step process, no baskets of folded clothes waiting to be hung up or put in drawers.  [Underwear and socks went on the shelf into see-thru plastic baskets.] Wasn't a perfect system, but it sure beat others we tried. When they were able to keep the shelves straight I was pretty sure we could "graduate" to the vertical drawer system.

NEXT THURSDAY:  Two amazing ways to teach kids to fold their t-shirts!

Image thanks and credit to: dailybuzz.com

Parenting Tips: A Prayer for Children

After talking in Soapbox this week about Dr Patch Adams' challenge in support of children I remembered this prayer by Mariah Wright Edelman.  It's not my usual style of post on a Parenting Tip Thursday... but it speaks volumes about raising children.  Edelman founded the Children's Defense Fund in 1973 and has been a supporter of children and children's rights ever since. 


I commend to all of you four of her writings in particular:
--The Measure of Our Success: A Letter to My Children and Yours (1992)
--Guide My Feet: Meditations and Prayers on Loving and Working for Children (1995)
--I'm Your Child, God: Prayers for Children and Teenagers.
--I Can Make a Difference: A Treasury to Inspire Our Children,

Here is a small sample of her wonderful writing and thinking...

A Prayer for Our Children
             By Marian Wright Edelman

We pray for children
Who sneak popsicles before supper,
Who erase holes in math workbooks,
Who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those
Who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
Who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
Who never "counted potatoes,"
Who are born in places we wouldn't be caught dead,
Who never go to the circus,
Who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children
Who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we pray for those
Who never get dessert,
Who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
Who watch their parents watch them die,
Who can't find any bread to steal,
Who don't have any rooms to clean up,
Whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
Whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
Who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
Who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
Who like ghost stories,
Who shove dirty clothes under the bed and never rinse out the tub,
Who get visits from the tooth fairy,
Who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
Who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
Whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything,
Who have never seen a dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children who want to be carried and for those who must,
For those we never give up on and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother ... and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

Parenting Tips: No More Interruptions!

I hate interruptions. Phone interruptions. [You know... if you are listening to the person on the other end, you are not talking, and if you are not talking then ...in your children's minds... you can listen to them!]  Walk-in Interruptions  [Children walking into a conversation between me and someone sitting right next to me and breaking into the conversation full steam ahead,]

Arrrgggghhhh!  It used to drive me crazy!

Did you notice the "used to" in that sentence? I rarely have those interruptions anymore in my house and haven't for several years. I have an almost magical solution.  A truly "hands-on" approach. Remember the old secret handshakes? This is our family's "Secret Hand Signal." Here is the totally simple, two-step, instantly usable solution to teach your kids:

1- When my children come in and hear or see me talking [OR listening] they are to come in and gently put a hand on my forearm.  [That is their silent signal that they need to talk to me.]

2. When I feel a hand on my forearm, I quietly and gently cover it with one of my hands, while continuing with my conversation.  [That is my silent signal that I know they want to talk to me.]

The two hands stay that way until I am able to pause in the conversation and give a moment to attend to what my child wants....giving them my full attention when I remove my hand and look at them.

This has worked a virtual miracle in my home that has lasted for years. They even sometimes use it when they come in and I am busily typing this blog.  With these two steps your home can become almost interruption free... Try the Secret Hand Signals in your house!!

Image credit and thanks to:  canadian family.ca

Parenting Tips: Final Calm Spot Hints

I've posted about recommended creating a Calm Spot instead of Naughty Chair [March 22]

I've posted about  how to use a Calm Spot  [March 29]

Last Thursday was ideas of what to put in a Calm Spot to help your child regain calm. [April12]

Today some final thoughts 

Remember that the goal is to help your child understand, recognize, and manage their feelings in a way that helps your household maintain a more calm, less streessful, less emotional atmosphere.

Two Key Points: 

1- The child should help pick the Calm Spot and the items for the Calm Box. 

This is part of teaching the child to recognize their own style, what helps, etc. It also teaches the assumption that there are things that DO help. 

2- Do this when all is well with the child.  

That's when you explain that when s/he needs to calm down s/he can go to his spot and use the box until s/he feels calm or until thinks /she can come back and be ok. 

Three ways they might go to their Calm Spot:  

1.They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  

2. You might suggest the calm spot if something you see makes you think they need it. 

3. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.  

 [Some families make these into rules and post them for older kiddos.]

Miscellaneous extra ideas:

1- Consider having your older kids serch online for images or photos that are calming. Print them and make a calming notebook of those images, or post them in their calm spot.

2-Research calming techniques online for them OR for you. There are apps that help with relaxation [ex: breathe2relax] and online relaxation sites [ex: www.calm.com].

Go for it!     and     Good Luck!  

I hope this series has helped.

Image credit and thanks to: chir.ag,

Parenting Tips: Supporting Calm

[This was supposed to be the post last Thursday but last Thursday I missed posting, so here it is today The other two in the series were on March 22 and 29th.]


How do you stock a Calm Spot?

For a Calm Spot to work best, equip the spot with things that help your particular child calm down.  Think about two questions:
      1- What does your child tend to do when they are upset? 
      2- What helps your child settle down when they are upset? 
Knowing those two things will help you figure out what might work best for your child.  Then you can work together to set up the ideal spot for each child to keep them safe while angry and help them calm down and turn it around. 


Some examples and ideas:

1- What does your child naturally tend to do when they are upset? 

Try to thinks of safe ways for them to do that activity and expend that energy in their Calm Spot. Examples...

Hit things?  Try clay or Play-Dough for Pounding.

Yell or Scream?   A thick pillow for punching or screaming into. 

Ripping Things Up?  Put a bunch of scrap paper and a zip lock bag for ripping and stuffing.

Burst into tears?  Add a box of Kleenex.

Cover their ears?  Put in old-style ear-covering headphones

Fall asleep? Add a pillow and lap blanket.

2- What helps your child start settling down when they are upset? 

Think about what your childusually does when the storm begins to pass.Providing materials to do that will help them transition from the anger to calm.

 Listen to Music?  A player and CD or their favorite calming music. 

      [Be sure it has working batteries!] 

Draw?  Coloring Book and crayons or pencils
Quiet Activities?  Maze or puzzle book, Legos, etc. 
Being left alone?  Headphones help here to block out the world.
Lie down or Take a nap?   Add a pillow and lap blanket.
Some kids have a special cuddle toy or blanket. Does yours? 


Note....Some of my kiddos as they got older kept a well-stocked Calm Box in their room or in their Calm Spot and I no longer needed to  manage it. The Calm Spot/Box technique became part of their personal management habits. [Maybe their spouses will thank me someday? Hee-Hee]


Next Thursday:  Final Reminders and Calm Spot rules.  


Image credit and thanks to:  ahaparenting.com, examiner.com

Parenting Tips: Using a Calm Spot

Last week I talked about teaching your children with a "Calm Spot" rather than a "Naughty Chair."  I promised this week to detail how you use a Calm Spot... so no pictures today, just concrete info.


How do you use a Calm Spot?
When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. 

If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!

If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."

If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. 
Still stay calm.  
Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  
Re-state, when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot, that it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. You are helping them. Do not give the impression that it is a punishment. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  

P.S.  Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot] that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.

Everyone needs a Calm Spot.  




Next Thursday:  What stuff can you use in a calm spot to help achieve calm?

Parenting Tips: Calm Spots

I live near the ocean and as a child spent some time each summer by the ocean.  Somehow over the years, I began to equate watching the water [especially waves] with calm.  If I am having a terrible day, the most healing place to go is to sit [in my car if it is December!] by the ocean and watch the waves for even just 5 minutes.  Somehow as each wave recedes it takes away some of my anger and frustration, and as each fresh wave comes in it brings me a bit of resilience and renewal. 

I have come to believe that everyone needs a calm spot. My calm spot of choice is the ocean. That concept has helped me with some of the kids who tend to be explosive, or defensive, or any of the other types of high emotion that seem to be beyond their ability to control. 

What is a Calm Spot?

I have asked each of my kiddos to chose a Calm Spot.  They can try out different ones to find the best.  Sometimes they need to change their spot. What is a calm spot?  I tell them it is a place they can go when they feel like their insides are going too fast, their feelings are going to explode, etc. It should be a place where they can calm themselves down and be safe until they do.  


Next Thursday I will tell you how I set up each child's Calm Spot, what I put there, etc. 
Happy Thursday!

P.S. Sorry, no time for finding photos this morning.... late waking up and an all day training to get to..... Fill i with a mental picture of YOUR calm spot!

Parenting Tips: Indoor Sandbox

Do rainy days leave your kids housebound and grumpy?  Try this solution for the sandbox set in your house....Great for apartments or for indoor rainy day play!

Take out a large baking pan [I use to keep a large tin turkey roaster on hand for this.] On a grander scale, try a shallow plastic storage tub [great because the lid makes it reusable for long periods without getting spilled or spoiled].

Fill with cornmeal . Add some baking spoons, measuring spoons, cups, a few funnels… even a small sand toy will work. 

I used to hide some small plastic or rubber toys [my kids used to love small cars, toy dinosaurs, and jungle animal figures. They would scoop and funnel and sieve until they discovered their “finds” and then play in their make believe world. 


Whether I used cornmeal, or rice [my favorite], or even oatmeal…. I didn’t have to worry if they put some in their mouths during the process. 


Image credit and thanks to: mamabeefromthehive.blogspot.com, steadymom.com

Parenting Tips: TV Teaching.... pt 3 social learning

Television can often be a good teaching tool about social interactions and character. You can help your children learn to recognize mistakes and strengths, risks and choices by watching with them and discussing what you are seeing during the ads. 


1. Start with younger kids by talking out loud to the tv or to the characters in the show so that your children can hear your reactions to what the characters are doing and being. ["That's not very nice!", "Being mean like that will hurt her feelings" etc. ]

2. As soon as your children can answer back, engage them in the conversation. ["Why is the Queen being so mean to the Princess?" or "Why do you think the Prince like's Cinderella better than her sisters?" etc. ]


3. During elementary school continue watching together, identifying and discussing the behavior and choices of the characters they watch.  


Note: Television is an especially useful took if you have a child or adolescent who struggles with social interactions.  Sometimes they can learn to recognize things on the screen before they can sense it in themselves or people to whom they are close. 

4. Entering middle school or junior high you can use the choices of characters in teen shows to bring up topics for discussion without seeming to pinpoint or corner your child.  Almost any given teen show episode will give you an opportunity to discuss your personal family values and how kids handle social behavior challenges and peer pressure.  Don't miss this golden opportunity! Research shows that teens who are clear about their own family's moral standards are better able to resist peer pressure. And... you can give valuable advice to your children by talking to the tv characters about other ways they might have handled the story's situation, other answers they might have given, etc.  New or old rerun shows work equally well. 

[This is the third installment of ways to use television as teachers.  Check out the posts on Feb 6 and 20th if you missed them and watch for part 4 on March 26th's School Bell.]


Image credit and thanks:  childstarlets.com, teenink.com, theremotegeneration.blogspot.com

Parenting Tips: Going Away

In just a few days I will be leaving to go visit a daughter in Oregon.  Going cross-country is a bit intimidating when you are leaving children behind, especially if you are a single parent. Although I know that going 5 miles away by car is statistically more dangerous, flying from one coast to the other just feels riskier.  The same was true for my kids so we learned a few tricks for making such separations a bit smoother.

So if you are heading out sometime, here are three of the ideas that worked for us:

1. Leave a note for each to open each day that you are gone. Maybe just a couple stickers inside, or a new pencil, or whatever. The point is something positive to enjoy each day.

2. Leave some little surprise symbols for them to find unexpectedly...[I used to used a bright yellow smiley face sticker or drawing on an index card, and then one day I ran across happy face whatnots!] stick one under their backpack, or in their underwear drawer, or on the inside of the refrigerator door.

3. Plan a specific activity to do with them when you return.... breakfast in bed, a trip to the park, a movie DVD and popcorn, whatever, but something you can remind them of and they can anticipate.

What has worked for your crew???

Image credits and thanks to: randomhandprints.blogspot.com, executivenomad.com

Parenting Tips: Buy now and save!

With Valentine's Day two days behind, most stores have now marked down their leftover merchandise.  This is a great chance for parents to dash out and pick up some goodies to parcel out on any number of occasions all year long.  [Of course you can also buy valentine sets and save them for next year's giving to elementary classrooms, but I mean more than that.]

Buy heart shaped boxes:  These can be used to fill with cheery, uplifting love messages to a child who is struggling or discouraged or feeling left out.

Buy heart stickers:  Use these to add at the bottom of anything from "I'll be home soon" messages to even chore lists!

Buy Red plates or bowls or cups  [I'll tell you about using those on Saturday.]

Buy heart shaped stencils: For decorating [and taking up space!] on thank you notes, letters, etc.


Buy heart shaped molds: for making everything from soaps to floating ice cubes.


Heart-Themed Candles/Mugs/Gifts:  Buy a bunch to keep on hand for unexpected hostess gifts, friendship tokens, etc. Mother's Day, Father's Day.. all kinds of occaionsYou can often also find hangings, mottos, etc. that speak of friendship and caring  to sotkc up on for unexpected occasions.

Heart or Love-themed craft projects/materials:  Same uses as the gifts already mentioned. One of my particular favorites is the collections of different size, shape and color foam hearts or wooden hearts!

So, what are you doing still sitting here reading?? Get going.... Take advantage of the markdown sales!   Valentine's Day is over, but the season for love-themed gifts is year round!

Parenting Tips: Valentine Scratch-Offs

Get your kids off the couch and get them involved making their own unique valentines with a fun twist....  scratch off messages!

You will need:
index cards [or something similar to use for your messages] or blank cards
dishwashing liquid
a watercolor brush or other small brush
metallic acryllic paint [I like silver or pewter best]*
pieces of clear adhesive paper [such as laminate or Contact® paper] 

How-To:
Make the card and write the secret message that will be covered by the scratch-off paint.

Cover the scratch-off message with small piece of clear adhesive paper to protect it.

Mix the scratch-off paint   [2 parts metallic paint, 2 part dishwashing soap]

Apply one or two coats of paint as needed to cover message, but  be sure to let paint dry between each coat.

Have Fun With This ! !


* You can use red paint for valentine's but it doesn't cover as well or look as good as the metallic paint in my opinion.

Image credits: teachmama.com, artmind-etcetera.blogspot.com

Parenting Tips: Building Values

Ok, so I decided that I didn't want to completely skip today. But, I did want everyone to get a chance to see my Wednesday post, even though it was late going up.  

So for today's parenting tip.. how about taking a few minutes to talk to your child [at their language level] about yesterday's quote from Hubert Humphrey?  How do they treat the "least of them"?

If they are preschool, talk to them about how they treat their younger sibling, or younger neighbor. Start teaching them to reach out to help up.

If they are in elementary school, talk to them about including new kids, left-out-kids, and special needs kids.  Talk to them about reaching out to the older folks in their neighborhood, church, synagogue, etc.

If they are in 5th grade or above, talk to them about it as it relates to how they choose or measure their friends or the kids they admire. How do their friends treat the least of them?  Do they bully them?  Do they help them?  Do they ignore them?  Do they include them?  And on a simpler level encourage them to make get well phone calls to kids out sick for example, or to surprise an elderly neighbor with some homemade brownies they help make.

Help our children learn that it is not just governments that are judged by their choices but each of us as individuals too. For middle school and high school it is often seen on the playground, the lunch room, and the hall ways. It's not just those who actually do the excluding, the bullying, the ignoring.  

Help them learn that not being cruel is one step. But the key is to work against cruelty. Help our children learn to reach out to the excluded and to bring them in.


Image credits: piersdy.wordpress.com, united planet.org, beliefnet.com, takebackyourschools.com, thebradleysblog.blogspot.com

Parenting Tips: Get the Kids Talking

Do you ever feel like extracting teeth would be easier than getting your kids to talk other than arguin?  Do your dinner times conversations feel like they alternate between mini-interrogations and that your children withhold information with a skill spies would envy?

Shake it up a bit. Pick up any of the dozen or so versions of:

KidChat : Questions to Fuel Young Minds and Mouths
by Bret Nicholaus and Paul Lowrie
Pub: Questmarc Publishing
ISBN 0-9634251-6-1

I have used the 2001 edition [shown here] for years both at home and at school for writing prompts for my middle school students.  There are holiday versions, KidChat Extreme. etc. etc.  Each book has new and different questions to start a conversational ball rolling.  Some are silly, some thought-provoking, some teaching opportunities, and more, but all are safe and entertaining for kids roughly 7-13 [though I have used it for older also].

Great for imagination, discussion, and just plain conversation, I have found the book a life saver on long car rides, and even when a sleepover starts to lag a bit or needs a bit of calming down. Try some--

A Few Examples:

1. If snow could fall in any flavor, what flavor would you choose?

2. If you could be famous for anything at all, what would you want to be famous for?

3. If you could get out of school for a week but instead had to spend those five days helping an adult at their job, whose job would you want to help out with for that week?

4. If you were a king or queen, what is the first rule you would set for the people of your kingdom?

5. If you could ask the president of the United States [or your state governor] one question, knowing that you would get an honest answer, what question would you ask?

6. If you could be shrunk down to one inch tall for just one day, what do you think would be the most exciting place to explore? 

Parenting Tips: Kid's Books on Decision Making

Do you remembering any of the "Choose Your Adventure" type books?  At various points in the story you have a choice to make.  Depending on what you choose, you go to a different page in the book, over and over making each reading somewhat different.

There is a great series that uses this same approach but deals with moral decisions, peer pressure, etc.  At my last check there were 5 books in the series [$6-10 each], plus a leader's guide [$15] available for the whole series.

Each book is around 60 pages total, but depending on your choices, the actual story length varies. Great for readers 7-12 or a bit older if they struggle with reading.There are several different authors who contribute to the series and the topics are all situations that children face all the time. The same publisher also makes a similar [reader choices] series for ages 4-10 called Kids Can Choose, but I haven't seen any of those myself so can't actually recommend them yet.

The Decision Is Yours series:

Finders, Keepers :  What should you do with the wallet and money you and a friend find.

Making the Grade : More time on soccer than homework and a bad report card make a tricky mix.

First Day Blues : How do you make friends on your first day in a new school?

Bully on the Bus:  What do you do if an older kid in school threatens to beat you up?


Under Whose Influence? : To drink with friends or not?

Parenting Tips: Today show --Lying to our Children!

Ok, I try not to get personal on my blog, and I know yesterday was soapbox day, but I feel compelled to beg parents everywhere to buck what Parenting magazine is calling the norm.... lying to our children.  I was truly upset yesterday to see this prominent magazine that many new parent look to for advice advocating the "necessity" of lying to our children for convenience!  [You can check out yesterday's  NBC Today show interview on the topic with Ann Curry online.]

I'm not talking about allowing young children the fantasy of a Santa Claus or a Tooth Fairy when they are the age that needs magical thinking.  They were talking about lying when it is [in her words] "more expedient."  The example she used was trying to get a toddler to leave the playground if you need to get to an appointment.  She said that in our "frenetic" over-scheduled lives it is simpler to tell the toddler the park is closing than to tell the truth.  If our lives are too busy to be honest with our children, we need to take another look at our priorities.

I admit, this is a hot button topic for me because raising honest children is the topic of the book I am currently finishing with my writing partner, A. Patricia Miller.  But parents CAN be honest with their children if they choose to and if they prepare.  Parents CAN teach their children how to be honest and still save face. "White" lies are still lies, regardless of fingers crossed, trying to be "kind," or any other excuse. If we want to raise honest children we must surround them with the environment of an honest home, teach them the skills of honesty, and give them the belief that you can be honest, even in an often dishonest world.

I would like to think that a backlash is in order.  I do not want to think that the "experts" and the "majority" condone lying.  I suspect that the TODAY show's usual parenting expert [Michele Borba] would have a fit over this! Please check out the interview and respond, to me, to parenting.com, or even to the Today show.

P.S. Sorry the post is late.... finally a snow storm [lst of the winter!] and had to shovel before I could get to my blog. Welcome winter  :-)

Image credit: aardvarkian.com, businessinsider.com

Parenting Tips: New Years Resolutions

In January it seems everyone is focused on New Year resolutions.  The good part of this is that people are trying to improve themselves which gives us a chance to talk to our kids about improving pieces of their lives or their habits.  We also have the chance to model it for them with our own resolutions to improve.  The not so good part is that people can easily fall off the resolution wagon and give up. 

We must teach them how to succeed at changing, not just model how to try and then give up! I am no expert on resolutions or resolution-keeping, but I have found some tricks that have helped me be better at both.  Try these five steps with your kids.

1. Focus on the change. The most important thing is that you/they are trying to do better, to change. Talk about the many opportunities we have for new beginnings.  A new year.  A birthday year older. A new school year.  A new job.  A new month.  A new week. Even a new day is a fresh beginning. Use all of them if need be.

2. Keep resolutions focused on the process not the result.  For example: #2 above is better than #1.  The resolution should be the action that will lead to the goal. This makes success possible in smaller chunks.  If your goal is to be healthier or in better shape [weight, strength, or otherwise] than a list of actions that will help you is a better, more achievable goal than "losing weigh" for example. Just like with eating, the smaller the child, the tougher the food, the smaller the bite! 

3. Think of the changes as specific steps in a plan.  Look at one week at a time.  A year is far too long a chunk for kids.  For younger kids, keep resolutions to day activities. "I will tell mom two things about school each day." or "I will set my alarm clock every night." Not "I will talk to mom more" or "I will get up better." Remember... small bites.

4. Build in flexibility. Remember that the goal is improvement, not perfection.  Build in margins. Do not expect complete or instant change.  Use those small bites to build your skills and your successes. 

How does this work?
Example: I need to relax a bit more to reduce my stress.  Since most of the stresses in my life are outside my control my plan for reducing stress is to build small chunks of down time into my days. My resolution?  "Build in time to relax and unwind." My whiteboard's daily checklist now includes two 15-minute chunks for crafting, two for reading, two for "wasting time" [being still].  My goal is to do at least two of those 15-minute chunks per day.  One day they both might be reading, another day they might be crafting, or 15 min crafting and 15 min just chilling. This makes my chances of building in relaxation far more likely to succeed. Since I have never been good at this I consider succeeding even once a week progress.  When I have managed it once a week, I will try for twice a week, then three times, then four times, etc. using a new week/month as the new beginning for an uptick. See how it works?  If I had a resolution to do 30 minutes a day of crafting, reading, or down time and expected to achieve that every day starting Jan 1st I would probably fail before the end of the first week.  But by using the system above, I feel successful all along, and can at least be confident that I AM building in time to relax and unwind. 

Good luck!

P.S.  Sorry I'm late posting today.   Image credit: motivates4life.com