Focus on Fostering: Recreating a Past

Kids who have been taken from their original family from abuse and/or neglect often lack the beginning chapters of their life story.  They are likely to lack the baby pictures, first missing tooth photos, and more.  In a perfect world, parents would be required by the courts to answer basic developmental history questions about their children so that crucial health and developmental information would be available. But no such practice exists. But, if you have a child who is noticing their absence of early photos in your home, or in a scrapbook, or for a school project.... how about putting them in charge???

Give them the chance to rewrite their beginning chapters.  Dig out a child development book and tell them about when a baby sits up, gets their first tooth, starts to crawl, takes its first steps.  Help the child create a story about their beginnings.  As long as you don't use it for diagnostic purposes, why not?

Go another step and help the child [or adolescent] search online pictures and pick out a baby picture, a toddler taking first steps or playing with stacking toys, or grinning a gap-toothed smile. Print them, cut them out. May a fictional baby book for your child. Let them choose... where they a bald baby or a baby with a monk fringe of hair, or blond or dark hair. Let them choose.  There is so little in their life so far they have had choice in.... why not let them choose to recreate a beginning?

Image credits:  momwithoutamap.com, cutestwallpapers.blogspot.com, planning family.com

Focus on Fostering: Building a History

Children in foster care and even adoptive children often have few if any photos to remember and commemorate their childhood.  My first foster child came with one wrinkled photo of her with her step father, one of her as an infant, or her siblings, or anything.

One of the kindest things you can do for a foster child is help them start building a history through photographs.  Even if they are only with you temporarily, you can still give this amazing gift.

Start by taking a photo of them the day they arrive as a starting point. [Note: IF reunification with their  bio-family is a possibility you might take one of the child WITH your family and one WITHOUT your family, to give you options as you build their album]. 

Add to their history by taking photos of some of their accomplishments, things they can be proud of, milestones of development, favorites, habits, photos that will document their growth and personality.

Some idea starters:
Baby--smiles, finding their fingers, crawling, walking, etc.

Preschool: Building blocks, playing with playdoh, playground photos, eating favorite foods.

Elementary: learning to skip, jump rope, ride a tricycle or bike, other favorite things
Middle school: sports, extracurriculars, watching tv, on their cellphone, playing Wii

High School:  cooking, doing chores[?], learning to drive, afterschool activities, first job

For school age kids, add in ticket stubs, postcards of places they go, concert programs, clippings of their favorite singers, tv shows, movies etc. 

When every one else has photos of their personal history but you it is very isolating.  Give your foster child at least your piece of their history.


Image credits: blog.sfgate.com,dreamalildream.com, livestrong.com,life123.com

Focus on Fostering: Ghosts of Past Lives

I was reminded recently of the amazing power, and fluidity, of a child's memories.  Think back to some of your favorite childhood memories.  For me one memory is picnics on a place we called "Buttercup Hill" because it was blanketed in waving yellow buttercups.  I remember all the times my family would go there for Saturday or Sunday picnics.  It was only when I was in my 50s and mentioned the memory to my parents that I discovered we had only gone there two times!  The memory is so vivid and complete in my mind, that I almost argued with them. Surely we had gone more often, frequently even? No, only twice. Yet in my mind it happened all the time. Even now, knowing the reality, in my mind it is a favorite childhood pastime.

Unfortunately unhappy childhood memories can be just as vivid... and sometimes just as fluid.  I remember a 6-year old foster child who bolted, screaming down the hall of the elementary school, finally hiding and cowering in a janitor's closet, behind a mop.  When all was settled and over we realized that the assistant principal [who he had been trying to escape after a casual "Hello there"] was a quazi-lookalike for the social services worked who had three years earlier taken him screaming out of his mother's arms and taken him in the department's "care."  Anyone who has seen someone with PTSD flashbacks can understand the child's reaction.

More recently a teenage foster child had an unyielding negative attitude toward a well-intentioned, kind individual. Complaints about bossiness, yelling, etc. etc. etc. were a constant flood from the child.  When we discovered that the individual bore a resemblance to the child's abusive parent, we had no solution, but we did have the answer to why.

Remember the illustrations of "mother" and "father" in baby books and toys?  Think how basic the image is.  Small wonder that a child who was abused at a very young age might have memories of earlier abuse triggered by someone with only mild similarities to the actual abuser.

As foster parents, be on the lookout for warning signs of these emotional flashbacks. Don't suggest them to the child, but don't shut them down if it comes up. Be prepared.

Image credits:  spiritblogger.wordpress.com, clipartof.com

Caring Heart: Good Fathers

Here in Maine yesterday there was a funeral for a beloved kindergarten teacher and her two elementary school children..all three killed by a separated husband who was about to go on trial for previous spousal abuse.  He then killed himself.  It has left a community reeling, an elementary school and its students shaken to the core, and our whole state desperate to find a more meaningful way to both reduce domestic abuse and protect its families. I know it is not just men who abuse, but since it is Father's Day today I have been unable to shake this story, so... I offer this meditation.

In praise and search of good fathers

Dear God,  the father of us all, we need good fathers.  We have many good fathers.  But we have others who are not.  You designed "father" to be a model of what it means to be loved and cared for with unending compassion, instruction, guidance, and love.  Yet, so many families are left without that model in their lives.  Sons who have to look outside their family for a model of what kind of father to be.  Daughters who are too little or too much the apple of their father's eyes.  We thank you for all the wonderful fathers who are a blessing in their families.  We thank you for all the men who step up [regardless of genetics or age] to be father figures for children who are desperately needing that guidance... just because they are needed.  We thank you for mothers who are trying to be both mother and father to their children. We thank you, and yet we dare to ask for more men who are fathers in your image.  We ask that men who are not may learn to change, to be more, to be better.  For the wives, for the children, for the world... we search for and we praise good fathers.  

"The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Caring Heart: Terminating Parental Rights

For foster and pre-adoptive parents.

Terminating Parental Rights.

Contradictions are not new for him.  Love from a parent.  Injury from a parent.  Joy at a safe place to live.  Pain at leaving people he thought he would grow up with.  But today must bring all new meaning to "conflicting feelings."  We don't even name it much out loud.  We call it "TPR" as if "TPR" sounds better.  "Termination of Parental Rights."  So formal sounding, as if formality could provide detachment and protection from all the feelings.  Now he is going to be forced to accept that the imagined miracle is not going to happen.  The dream is not going to come true.  Now he will realize that even the experts have given up on his parents being able to change, to raise him safely and healthily, much less happily.  His family is not going to be miraculously healed and restored.  After the court is adjourned his family will be officially and forever broken.  Not divorced.  Terminated.  Lord, we know that this is a chance for a new beginning for him.  It may even free him from some deep fears. Part of him may even know that. But right now, it is the ending that is consuming his heart.  Lead him to a better place.  Lead him to see the possibility of positive beginnings beyond the pain.  Remind him of the butterflies from caterpillars, the leaping frogs from paddling tadpoles.  Give him hope.  

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker    Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Focus on Fostering: Mother's Day Pitfalls

Mother's Day is coming.  Beware.

Strange advice?  Who needs a warning about Mother's Day?

People who are mothering other mother's children, for starters. Not everyone, but enough that it pays to be prepared and forewarned.

Pitfalls? Mother's Day has been a veritable minefield at my house over the years. The potential explosions can come from every conceivable direction.  What do I mean?  Let me share a few.

--the joy I felt when given a mother's day gift by an attachment challenged child that evaporated soon after when I was asked an hour later if she could have it back to give to her so she could give it to her real mother.

--the pain of comforting a child who so desperately wanted to connect with her birth mother but had been repeatedly rejected by her.

--a child whose life with her mom had been so difficult that she refused to even say the word "mother" or writer its letters on paper in spelling class, even when that resulted in her being sent to the principal's office

--finding torn up pictures of me with my birth children, because it was so painful for her to see pictures of what she never had.

These are just a few of the mines I've stepped on. If you are an experienced foster parent you probably have your own list of land mines. If you are new to fostering, don't run away... just be prepared.  You can't fix everything.  Even trying sometimes makes it worse. Your feelings may get hurt. Your pride may be wounded. But keep your mind and heart open. The biggest land mine of all would be if you gave up and stopped offering your heart and your love.

Image credits:  health.msn.com, tlc.howstuffworks.com

Caring Heart: Meeting the birth parents

  As the season of Mother's Day approaches, with Father's Day next month, I decided to use the meditation about meeting bio-parents.  The relationship is so challenging, the emotions so tangled.

Meeting the birth parents:

Today I meet the biological parents.  I admit that I am uncertain at best, worried for sure, and wondering how I will avoid appearing to judge them.  It is so hard, Lord.  I don't intend to put myself above someone else, and yet, here I am with their child.  I am not taking care of their while while they are in hospital.  This child was taken away for reason. I have never had a child taken away from me out of concern for the child's welfare.  So, in a sense, Lord, how can I not think I am better than these parents? I know it is not politically correct, but that doesn't mean it may not be true. I may not be better than they intended to be.  I may not be better than what they hoped to be.  But I am better than what they were able to be at least at this time.  So, today we will  be together in one room.  Those who have been told they cannot be trusted with their children's welfare.  Me who has been given that trust and that responsibility.  Help us to find a way to communicate, to share in creating good for this child.  Help us focus on what is best for this child and help us make whatever accommodations and agreements will enable the best possible outcome.  Help us.


Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker    Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Focus on Fostering: Bio Phone Calls

Do your kids struggle with conversations when it comes time for phone calls with their bio-parents?  My kiddos did.  I'm not talking about situations where they may not want to talk to the parent [perhaps because of bad history]. That is a totally different matter, fit for a soapbox entry sometime. This is about kids and parents who just don't seem to know how to talk together. These are the kids who play pass the phone like a game of hot potato to avoid talking, or who pass the phone off to you after a few "I dunno"s or a couple of grunted responses that range from "ok" to "un-huh."

Here are a few tips that may help things go a bit smoother.

1. Try to establish a schedule for the phone calls if possible.  Having a routine for these, like most things, will make it easier for the kids [and the parents] to plan and prepare.

2. Make a Phone Notebook for your child [or for each child].  I found a small memo book style seemed to work best.  Use a fresh page after each call.  Keep the notebook handy and at dinner time, jot down some of the things the child talks about it from school, scouts, friends, whatever.  When it is time for the phone call, the notebook page becomes not a script, but a list of conversational cues.

3. For children too young to read:  You write in the notebook as above, but before the phone calls, draw crude pictures or cartoons to go with each topic or idea.  Go over the drawings with the child before the phone call. The child can use the pictures to jog their memory and to cue their conversations.

4. Come up with a few basic questions they can ask their parent appropriate to the time of year, the weather, or other safe topics.  Use the same pattern of talking with the child to generate the ideas, writing them down, or using drawn cues.  This helps them learn that conversations usually include questions and answers from both sides.

5. Stay close by for moral support and conversational hints or prompts, until the kids are old enough or skilled enough to handle the phone calls on their own.

If you are lucky this system will help them develop a pattern of sharing and exchanging information. It will help them learn how to keep a conversational ball bouncing between two people and soon they will be able to chat comfortably on the phone instead of passing it off.

Anyone out there have any other hints to share???

Image credit: optimum7.com, sync-blog.com, stuartwildeblog.com

Caring Heart: Missed Holiday from Home

Whether a holiday or a birthday or a graduation, anyone who does foster care for very long will see this happen to the child in their care.

Missed Holiday from Home 

Nothing came. Just like Thanksgiving.  Just like her last birthday, and every Valentines Day. And now this holiday too.  Couldn't her parents at least manage to send a card?  She doesn't need a present.  She doesn't need much.  But a simple card that acknowledged their connection to her would mean so very much to her.  Oh, she's tough.  She tries to pretend she doesn't care.  But the dame is still real to that small child within her that still wishes she were like everyone else.  Still wants to believe, somewhere deep inside, that the people who gave birth to her remember her and care.  Don't let her build too much scar tissue around that fragile heart.  She needs that heart, and the more walls she builds around it, the harder it will be for her to open it up one day.  Help her find the strength to keep her heart safe and open to see a better day.  Help her parents remember to reach out, to value her.  Protect and fill her heart, Lord.  

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker

Caring Heart: A Home Visit

Many times foster parents deal with the conflicting emotions around a home visit for the child in their care. Because it is such a common thing, this meditation is from the "Milestones" section of the book.

 

A Home Visit

She is going on a home visit this week, God.  Be with her, keep her safe.  Keep her body safe, and even more please guard her heart.  She is so excited and has such a perfect picture in her mind of what this visit will be.  I know her mother may be able to hold it together for a while, but sooner or later I fear she will disappoint this child again and break her heart. I can't even decided if it is better to be heart broken sooner or later. Will her father be there?  How will he do? Is it better for this child to have wonderful hours, a good visit to bank against a later disappointment, or not?  Will this be the time her parents step up to the plate and make a new and better beginning?  I leave it to you, God, to know what is best and to be with this child through all of it.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker

Caring Heart: A Good Bio-Family Visit

Not all bio-family contacts are negative.  Sometimes a visit works really well for the children... and definitely in the "Celebrations" category, in life and in the book.

A Good Bio-Family Visit 

Wow! What a difference it makes when the family visit has gone well. First, everyone showed up.  Then they actually played together and talked with each other.  No one shouted.  No one got angry.  No one pushed the limits.  It may have felt a little strained to me.  It always seems so artificial and a little forced what with all the required setting and structure. But I don't think the kids really noticed that.  They seemed to be really comfortable.  I hope it was real. I hope they weren't just trying to make their world more normal.  As if visiting there parent/s for an hour at a time with people supervising and watching every move is normal.  Grant these children a sense of normalcy even if just for these short stretches.  Grant them the joy and the pleasure.  Let them truly enjoy these times together.  Thank you.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker

Caring Heart: Another Missed Visit

Today's meditation is for every time you see a child's heart broken a little more because a bio-family member failed to show for a scheduled visit.

Another Missed Visit

Lord, her mother missed another visit today.  It broke my heart to see her face as the clock moved minute by minute, later and later until it was clear her mom wold not be coming today/  First confused, then worried, then determined not to show how hurt and disappointed she is.  After the other times I know that this quietness is temporary.  Next will come the storm, maybe picking a fight with me or the other kids over some inconsequential think just to give her a vent for all those emotions bottled up inside.  Maybe a rant about being a foster child, or about her mother.  How do I balance letting her know her feelings are all fair with helping her be okay with herself despite another missed visit?  Be with her mother as she makes these decisions or faces whatever circumstances led her to be a no-show again.  Give her courage and skills to face her challenges and work to become more able.  Amen.


Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker