Soapbox: Cure Poverty?

Oh my gosh! We have finally come to the last of Dr. Patch Adams' ten questions for a better society. I took the questions out of order, but this one is also the last in his list. I can't put off tackling this one any longer. I think it is the hardest, but also one that would indeed transform the world.

10. Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to an environmental sustainability project?

I am a fan of environmental sustainability, and Earth Day is still in the rear view mirror, but personally I would like to edit this question of Adams'. If it were MY question I would change this to: 

Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to end poverty and homelessness? 

So, long story short, I decided to try this last year for Lent.  I began on Ash Wednesday. Wow!  I can't decide if it was the most important thing I have ever done, the stupidest thing, the hardest thing, the best thing, or what....

I discovered that I thought VERY carefully about whether I could afford X, Y, or Z when it meant taking double the amount out of my budget, half for the X, Y, or Z and half to donate. I also decided to exempt mortgage and utility payments, though in a true sense, those would be most appropriate to match to end homelessness.  After a lot of thought I decided that although it would be really tough, I would try to match my grocery shopping money with an equal donation to a local soup kitchen and/or food pantry. 

The conversations I had with my children about this were meaningful, and yes, sometimes a bit loud and a lot frustrated, and yes sometimes inspiring. I confess that we did not make it all the way through Lent. BUT, we did learn a lot about ourselves, our thinking, our choices, and the world.

I don't routinely buy extras, I am not a clothes horse or shoe collector, and I spent so many many years struggling desperately that I don't spend a lot of money.  But I do know that "just" doing it for those weeks has transformed my awareness of what I do spend on "necessities" and how much that amount can do for others, even a year later. Without question, this was been the toughest for me of all Patch's questions, and the one that probably would change the world the fastest. I believe that if somehow this challenge was met by all of us, poverty could indeed be ended, and we would find ourselves richer than we can imagine. 

        Knowing is so so much harder than doing...    

                        ......sigh......

Image credits:  free-stockphotos.com, examiner.com, jdp3.webnode.com

Soapbox: Universal Friendliness?

I started with questions I felt fairly comfortable with and clear about.  Now we're on what to me are the tougher ones. 

9. Do you dare to be universally friendly to end violence?

Ok, so is he talking about ending bullying by universal friendliness?  i suspect he would say that is a start, but only a start. I think maybe he is talking about forgiveness and openness as a route to ending an atmosphere prone to violence.

I try to live a faith-based life, but have always struggled with the concept of forgiveness.  Well, not actually the concept. The practice.  I do not hate.  But to say that I have forgiven everyone who has done me wrong would not be true.  I do well with the little stuff.  I suspect most of us do.

How many people in your life have you not forgiven?  I have given this a great deal of thought and realize that in my life there are only four people that I know I have not forgiven.  One of those has died, but even before he died, I had put his offense behind me.  But in truth that is different from forgiveness.

And friendliness? That is a step well beyond forgiveness. Is that what it would take?  I think he realizes this is tough, because in the others he uses words like "would you" and "could you."  In this he says "Do you dare."  Because it is a risk to be sure.  For me to see those I have not forgiven and not just forgive. Could I see or meet them and be friendly? 

That would indeed take inner daring.

                                                 What do you think?

Image credits:  rodneymullins.wordpress.com, womenscenter.uconn.edu,toppun.com, 

Soapbox: A Child in Need

This week's question from Dr. Patch Adams is an intriguing one for me and all foster parents.  It is:

2. Could you choose at least one child you're not related to and give them the time and care they need?

At this very moment there are approximately half a million children who are without a permanent family and home. They desperately need time and care and love. They also need stability. These are not starving children crammed together in cribs in some foreign orphanage.  These are children in our own country.  They are children of neglect. They are children who have been abused and traumatized.  They are children of desperation and hopelessness. And they are the future!

They are the children who are learning not to trust. They are learning that people who love you, hurt you or abandon you or fail to care for you. They are in your community, no matter where you live.  They are in your schools, and all too often, they are on your streets. I am deeply pained to admit that some of them are in the care of people whose job is to protect them but who may not be protecting them. [I believe that is a small minority unlike what the media would like to imply!] But most of them are just guarding themselves as they shift from place to place, from person to person, as their hope in the future gets more and more dim, more and more deeply buried. 

They are not just small ones either.  Some of these "children" who so desperately need someone to help them, someone to be there, someone to care, have passed the cuddly cute baby and toddler stage.  They are grown to the point that even they realize their chances for a family home are racing out of the hourglass faster than grains of sand. They are boys and girls at an age when biology and development make them struggle and fight for independence they are not prepared to sustain.

Patch Adams doesn't say foster care or adoption specifically. Although I believe that is the most crucial need, if you can't make that leap, don't be stopped. Maybe it is a child in a good, loving family who just needs a mentor, an outside champion?  How many children do you know?  In your church? In your neighborhood?  At the grocery store?  Do you show them you care about them?   How often do you speak to them?  Do they look forward to and receive a smile from you every time you see them? Start by learning their name. Make a conscious point to smile and meet their eyes.  It is a place to start.  

Image credits: seattletimes.nwsource.com, ericsblog.org, more4kids.info, newsinjuryboard.com

School Bell: Celebrate Struggles: Reason # 2

Last Monday I posted about one reason to celebrate the struggles of schoolwork, particularly in middle school years  [hitting that wall when struggle, even failure, matter less than it will later].

Today reason #2 why struggle can be good:

2- Students who struggle learn strategies for overcoming challenges.

Struggle is good in the middle and high school years.  The child who has difficulty acquiring knowledge is forced to learn [or at least try] a wide variety of strategies for learning... flash cards, outlines, anagrams, rhymes, silly mental pictures, etc etc.  Compare that to the child who breezes through class, who seems to absorb the material the first time exposed. Some seem so lucky that they could pass [and do well] on the unit tests even without doing the homework. But is this lucky?  The parents get off easier, that is certain. But do the children?   

Children who never struggled in K-12  are often the kids at greater risk of doing poorly in college not knowing how to solve the problem.  Used to breezing through tests, or goofing around and only studying when it was time for the test, they may discover that it suddenly no longer works.  Or they may have been able to postpone a project or paper till the last minute and still pull it off and now they can't.  Or the information itself may not "stick" just by listening in class, or by reading the material quickly.  Suddenly nothing is working and they may have trouble even recognizing the train wreck coming, much less dealing with it.

The students who struggled at some point or through high school are not surprised or taken aback when things are hard. They have been there. They return to some of the strategies that got them through earlier learning challenges. These strategies are familiar, and many students even know exactly which approaches work best for them. They have tried multiple strategies for memory, for organizing, for breaking down deadlines, for seeking help, and for assessing their progress. 

So....

when you are about to pull your hair at one more flash card drill, one more Venn diagram, etc., DON'T.  Hold onto the thought that you are helping them develop systems for dealing with learning that will be in their personal learning baskets for the rest of their lives.

Next week... Of course, there is a "but" to celebrating school struggles. If you shouldn't panic when your child struggles, what should you do?  And what are the inevitable exceptions?


Image credits and thanks to: coulditbethebaby.blogspot.com

School Bell: Celebrate Struggles: Reason #1

Tis the season for kids to be sick of school and parents to be tired of fighting over homework,. The season for final projects and cumulative tests. The end of the school years looms like both a deadline and a prize. Today and next Monday will hopefully give you and yours a more optimistic view of the homework struggles.

Struggle can be something to celebrate!

With very few exceptions everyone will struggle to learn something during their life. Sooner or later we come up against something that doesn't come easily.  Those students who breezed through middle or junior high school, who aced high school without breaking a sweat, will hit a wall sometime in college or on their job.  

Which brings us to reason #1 why we can celebrate struggles:

1- Students hit that wall they are in a time when the grades matter far less than later in school or life.  

In the 32 years I taught fifth grade, I never once had a Harvard admissions office care about that D on the marine mammal project, or that failed Civil War test. I have seen employers turned off by D's in someone's college major, or on their graduate school transcripts.

Parents have to let go at some point when their child is learning to walk.  They have to eventually let go of the bike if a child is to learn to ride. Knowing to occasionally NOT bail their child out of a school mess is also an essential if the child is to learn to learn.  Do it judiciously.  Do it compassionately.  Do it AFTER having taught the child the skills to be independent. But do it.

Few children are damaged permanently by falling on their face when learning to walk, or by a skinned knee in a bike fall.  They will also survive falling on their face at school.  But like a child learning to walk or ride, parents should be there to help dust them off, bandage the wounds, and help them see how to do better. And.. the bumps and bruises hurt less and heal faster when you are younger and more resilient.

Next week reason #2 and the following week... a "but."

Image credit and thanks to: unisa.edu.au

Focus on Fostering: Grandparent Parents

Today's post is directed at those who are foster parenting or adoptive parenting children the age of their grandchildren.  Parent down a skipped generation is full of challenges.  I know because I am doing it.  I often laugh when I see news stories about women in their 50s who are excited to be pregnant and extol the virtues of older parenting.  I agree that their are some plusses to parenting at an age when most are grandparenting. BUT, I sometimes want to phone those women and say w-a-i-t ! ! 
 Take a moment to imagine . . .

...why menopause is not intended to coexist with pre-teen or teen angst.

... why school open houses and parent conferences do not hold the same appeal in your 60s as in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s.

... what you will encounter when you try to make friends with the parents of the school friends of your child... parents who are 20-30 years younger than you, often with verrry different values than you.

Despite all of that and far more, I recognize that the decision to parent grandchildren is often a non-decision. It so often is a choice between two difficult options, each with predictable prices to be paid financially, emotionally, and practically.

My best advice?.... recognize and learn to accept that you cannot parent the same way you did or would have in your 20s and 30s.  You will be more tired.  Your body will be less flexible.  Your relationship with your children and other grandchildren will be affected. Your energy will have smaller reserves.  Your emotions may be less resilient.  Accept all this.  Plan for it.

Take naps when you can.
Don't beat yourself up emotionally for needing extra time or space to regroup.
Build in recovery time after energy-sapping plans.
Cut yourself some slack.... maybe even a lot of slack.

And.......Celebrate when the wisdom of your years/experience make something easier or smoother or more effective!

Image credit and thanks to:  ucanr.org, lagrg.org, centralcoastseniors.org

Soapbox: Gather or Scatter??

I am just back from my trip to the west coast and considerably jet-lagged so forgive today's brevity...  I may still be sleeping as you read this    :-)

Today I ask you to consider what do you work to acquire?....

Do you collect money?

  

Do you collect jewels?  

Do you collect silver and gold?






Here is one of my favorite quotes to think about today....

"It's not what you gather but what you scatter that determines the value of your life."


So today at least, be thought-less about what you gather and instead focus on what you scatter.

Scatter happiness.

Scatter joy.

Scatter love.

Soapbox: Happiness is Contagious!

Did you know that if a friend of your's who lives two miles away from you is happy, you too are 22% more likely to be happy.  If your friend lives less than half a mile away, you are 42% more likely to be happy! Happiness is contagious and now there is indication of proof! Two scientists [one from Harvard and one from UCSD] collected data from almost 5,000 people over a 20-year study of the spread of happiness.

Remember the Six Degrees of Separation game? Well, the Fowler and Christakis study found that the happiness contagion holds up for three degrees of separation! The slide at left is their diagram of a Framingham, MA social network.  The individuals are color coded in gradations from blue for sadness to yellow for happiness.

Check out this website to read a 2008 professional article by the two scientists describing the study and its results. ["Dynamic Spread of Happiness in a Large Social Network: A longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study" published December 4, 2008 in the British Medical Journal/BMJ]

Check out this website to see a short blogpost describing and reacting to the research study.

Remember when your parents told you to stay away from negative people, cause they would bring you down; to play with happy, cheerful people?  Turns out, they were wise once again.  So, now we have scientific evidence that tells us that by being happy [especially being openly happy] WILL make other people happy too! Happiness IS contagious!! Go "infect" the world!

Soapbox: World Love

So, today is the day after Valentine's Day.

What has changed?  .....Nothing?   .....Something? 

In theory, we spent yesterday letting people know they are loved.
Are we through?
Are we all set until next February?
Or will we keep the spirit going?
Will we be sure they know it and are told it every day?
Will we stop with the people we know or push the feeling beyond our inner circle?

How would that world look?

Why can't it happen?
On October 31, 2011 the world population reached 7 billion people. Too many to reach? It is if you try to do it alone.  According to the Huffington Post it you tried to greet each person one at a time, one per second it would take you 222 years non-stop!
But, if one person told two people per day, who each told two the next day,  who each told two the next day and so on.... thanks to the power of exponential growth, the messsage of love could thoreticallly reach every living person on earth in less than 33 days!

Wouldn't that change the world ? !

Image credit: arquazuarma.blogspot.com

Parenting Tips: Building Values

Ok, so I decided that I didn't want to completely skip today. But, I did want everyone to get a chance to see my Wednesday post, even though it was late going up.  

So for today's parenting tip.. how about taking a few minutes to talk to your child [at their language level] about yesterday's quote from Hubert Humphrey?  How do they treat the "least of them"?

If they are preschool, talk to them about how they treat their younger sibling, or younger neighbor. Start teaching them to reach out to help up.

If they are in elementary school, talk to them about including new kids, left-out-kids, and special needs kids.  Talk to them about reaching out to the older folks in their neighborhood, church, synagogue, etc.

If they are in 5th grade or above, talk to them about it as it relates to how they choose or measure their friends or the kids they admire. How do their friends treat the least of them?  Do they bully them?  Do they help them?  Do they ignore them?  Do they include them?  And on a simpler level encourage them to make get well phone calls to kids out sick for example, or to surprise an elderly neighbor with some homemade brownies they help make.

Help our children learn that it is not just governments that are judged by their choices but each of us as individuals too. For middle school and high school it is often seen on the playground, the lunch room, and the hall ways. It's not just those who actually do the excluding, the bullying, the ignoring.  

Help them learn that not being cruel is one step. But the key is to work against cruelty. Help our children learn to reach out to the excluded and to bring them in.


Image credits: piersdy.wordpress.com, united planet.org, beliefnet.com, takebackyourschools.com, thebradleysblog.blogspot.com

Soapbox: The Least of Them

Note: For some reason this post didn't load automatically as it was scheduled to, so I am hand-posting it although it is now almost 10 pm and soapbox day is almost over. I feel strongly about this, so I don't want to wait until next Wednesday.  I may end up skipping tomorrow's instead. Here it is:

The Least of Them

I seldom talk politics.  But today I share a quote from Senator and former Vice-President Hubert H. Humphrey's very last speech.  It is his political application of the Biblical assertation that we be judged by how we treat the "least of them."

In my state, as in many many other states, budget cuts are impacting funding for schools, for foster care, for special education, for medical insurance for the poor, support services for the handicapped, etc etc etc.  I see the same types of issues playing out on a national level as well.

So I offer some of Humphrey's parting words. I wish I could send this message to each and every politican, town and state budget planner, administrators, church goers, non-church goers, and to any and every decision maker.

How might our country and our world change if each on of them and each on of us could really hear it, believe it, and act on it !?!

So here is the quote from Hubert H. Humphrey's very last speech.

"...the moral test of government is how that government treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; those who are in the shadows of life; the sick, the needy and the handicapped. "

How do we fare?

Will our leaders hear?


Can we make the right choices?

What future will we help create?

Soapbox: How to Say "No"

Have you ever had that same struggle with the word "No" in response to being asked to do something?  Now I can say "No" to my children firmly and definitively without batting an eye.  It's part of parenting 101.  But when a church member or colleague, or even friend asks me to do something... it is a whole new ball game.  No matter how busy my schedule, how exhausted, or how firmly I have resolved NOT to take on anything new... the word "No" just doesn't seem to come out.  I admit it.  I am "No"-impaired!

Last Wednesday I said that I felt rewarded if I came away from an advice book with at least two concrete new strategies to try.  The book I was talking about last week [The Now Habit by Neil Fiore] gave me a second strategy... this one about how to say "No." for those of us who are "no-impaired." 

At first I thought his advice was foolish, a simple gimmick, a sneaky twist, or something else ineffective.  Like the slogan "just say no" I thought... it's not that easy!  ...But then I tried it.  To my shock it worked, and worked beautifully.  I actually did NOT agree to do the task.  Not only that, but the person who asked left feeling good about it, and so did I.

His trick?  Start by saying "Yes."  Not "Yes" and I will.  But continue after the "Yes" in a way that affirms the value of the request and end by saying that you cannot.  Huh?

Examples:

Sally:  Can you come over to the house this Friday and have supper?
You: Yes, that sounds like it would be fun, but I'm afraid that I can't. Thank you for asking. Maybe another time.

Sam: Can we put you on the committee for the eighth grade graduation?
You: Yes, I can see that you need people for that committee, but that's not really something for me.  Good luck !

Advantages: You acknowledge the need, or the invitation, or the value, but you still say that you cannot or will not say yes.  It doesn't close the door, it merely says no.  It gives you a moment to fight the knee jerk reaction of a quick "Yes" [that is inevitably followed by hours of regret and self-flagellation for being such a wimp]. For those of us who are "No"-impaired it can be a first step to learning that "No" can indeed be a complete sentence.


Image credits: practicinglawsucks.com, crocuses.blogspot.com, femita.com

Soapbox: Procrastination and Choices

I recently have been reading a book about procrastination*.  So far I do not think it is a great book, but my personal measure of a helpful book is whether I finish the book with two-four specific takeaways that I think will be helpful to me. So far I find the book a bit labored, and with fewer concise, practical tips or strategies than I had hoped, but I am glad I am reading it, because I have already found two good takeaways. 
 
Today I want to share a particular viewpoint of the author that struck me as very valuable. Having occasionally struggled with procrastination myself, and having raised children who seemed to use procrastination as their default setting, I was intrigued to try this way of looking at things. 


The author said that most people label things/tasks as either:
     1. Things we want to do.  [positive, things we enjoy]
     2. Things we have  to do. [negative, tasks forced on us, things we dread]
Those two categories and only those two. The author suggested that since we feel powerless to refuse the things we are required to do, we often procrastinate doing them as our only way of exerting power over the task. 

The author proposed including a third category... Things we choose to do. 

Things we choose to do may be things that might carry a cost [emotional, time, or money] that made them something we didn't want, but might still be worth doing because of the reward. 


Since reading this I have found the concept helpful to reframe my thinking and have a better attitude. Try it and see what you think, then share your reactions.

[On Focus on Fostering next Tuesday I will tell how this helps in fosterparenting and next week I will share the other takeaway I have gotten his book.]



*The Now Habit   by Neil Fiore, PhD

Soapbox: Power

Feeling powerless is easy. 
Recognizing the power we have is more difficult.
Focusing on using the power we have effectively is even more challenging. 

Many times each day I choose what to do. Even when I can't choose what to do I may choose how to do it. Will I do it joyfully, or begrudgingly?  Will I do it to the best of my ability, or just well enough to get it done? Will I do it promptly or only after postponing it to the point of desperation? Will I do it with pride or with resentment? You get the idea.

We do have power. Like Superman and other superheroes... will we use it for good?

Image credit: howtosolve.blogspot

Holidays 101: #24- Marshmallow Pops

For a quick, fun vacation activity with kids try these:
[Maybe you can make them and save them for a pint-sized New Year's Eve home party!]

Marshmallow Pops

You need:
Lollypop sticks [or in a pinch popsicle sticks]
Bag of large [or giant] marshmallows
Milk chocolate to melt [ex: milk chocolate chips]
Piece of styrofoam

"Toppings":
      Graham crackers [crushed in a baggie with a rolling pin]
      Snowflake sprinkles [or multi-colored sprinkles]
      Peppermint candies [break up in a baggie w/wrench or hammer]
      Other [get creative.... oreo cookie crumbs, toffee chips, etc.]

Directions:
1. Put each marshmallow on a stick.  [Get several ready at a time.]
2. Melt the milk chocolate [with a little oil added for consistency] in microwave.**
3. Dip/roll the marshmallow in the melted chocolate.
4. While still wet, roll the chocolate covered marshmallow in a topping of your choice.
5. Stick the Pops into the styrofoam or clay to cool and "dry"

6. Eat or put in baggies to save for later. [For gifts, bag two or three and tie with ribbon.] 

ENJOY ! !

** When melting chocolate in a microwave it helps to add a bit of Crisco.  I usually microwave it for about 20 seconds, then stir, then repeat for 15 seconds, then 10 seconds etc. till the chocolate stirs easily.

Holidays 101: #22-Peace

In the midst of all the chaos and confusion and stress of a holiday season, it is too easy to lose track of what is truly important.  For those of you with children old enough ... Take a few minutes today.  Make space in your day.  Share this quote with them and talk about what it means, why it is so important, and how you can find that calm. 

May you always have and give the gift of finding and holding calm in your hearts!

Holidays 101: #8.. Remembrance

Today would normally be soapbox day so here is some different food for holiday thought. The holidays are  a time when we particularly miss people.  People from whom we are geographically separated.  People from whom we are emotionally estranged. Particularly people who have died and who we miss.

This holiday season remember and share stories of those you have loved and lost.  Keep their memories alive by your sharing. By sharing the stories, the memories, the pieces we hold onto, we keep their light burning.  It may seem as "holiday" as ringing holiday bells or caroling voices, but  this is a time to share, to remember, to celebrate and embrace the memories.  The warmth and light will warm our hearts just as surely as the people we miss did.

A year ago I learned of the death of a very special former student, Taylor Emmons.  I broke my habit and wrote a personal  post about Taylor. I did it because I was moved to by the flood of emotions and loss.  To my amazement it remains one of the most frequently visited blog posts of the almost 600 posts since I began.  It consistently is in the top 10.  I just saw that they have established a scholarship fund in Taylor's name at a school he attended in Florida after leaving Maine.  I wish there were some way Taylor's family could know how all those people who have read that post were also moved by hearing about Taylor's life, or more accurately by the way he lived his life.

Reach out to those you may know who have experienced loss.  Listen to their sharing, their stories. Stories of holidays together, of ordinary times together.  Families and friends often gather during the holiday season.  Maybe take some time this holiday season to share the stories of those you have loved and miss, of those who your loved ones still miss. Take time from the holiday bustle to pause, to remember, to share.

Happy Thanksgiving!