Focus on Fostering: A Messy Process

I recently was inspired to a different perspective on foster parenting.  It arose from a conversation about whether person x should act on their impulse to try foster parenting.  Person x was asking me and some others for advice about what it is like etc. etc.Usually I say something that focuses on the importance of foster parenting to the lives of children in need of care.  Often I talk about the skills that are helpful in fostering, the challenges one should be ready for, and other such ideas.

But how to prepare someone in simple terms for foster parenting? In simple, clear language?  Foster parenting is messy.  It often lacks clarity. No simple "do x and do y and z will happen".  No "this child will be with you for x months." No definitive answers regarding bio parents.  No promises of "successful" outcomes [however you define success]. It is not neat... it is messy.  It is not neat physically, emotionally, psychologically, or in any way shape or form.

Foster Parenting is messy.

ANY kid of parenting is messy some of the time, but in traditional parenting there are some pretty dependable absolutes.  Not so in foster parenting.  Pretty much everything is up for grabs.  If you need absolute order, foster parenting is not for you.  If you need clear answers and dependable outcomes, foster parenting is not for you.  Foster parents need to be able to accept messy situations without being shaken. Parenting as a work of art is more graffiti-covered than Michelangelo.

On the other hand, much of what is of value in the world is messy for at least part of the process. I doubt even Michelangelo's work on the Sistine Chapel was always clear, always neat, always according to the schedule or the plan. Pottery that is gorgeous requires getting dirty literally up to your elbows as the wheel spins. A garden that bears delicious bounty involves a lot of mess in the process. I don't need to keep going.

Foster parents learn to accept the mess, heck sometimes to even embrace the mess. From foster parenting can come wondrous events, amazing people, inspiring lives..... and yes.... a lot of mess along the way.  Foster parenting is messy.  You will need to get your hands dirty. Know it.  Accept it.  Dive in!

Image credits and thanks to: simonmarsh.org, messycanvas.com

Focus on Fostering: Kids who are Hurt

I found this quote and posted it on my Pinterest board for foster/adoptive/kinship parents.  I think this is an unusual perspective that could be really helpful for kids who have been abused or mistreated over and over.

If the end seems a little too harsh for the particular children in your care, lighten it by saying "they are of little use" or " they are put aside" or something else.

For my kiddos I've tried "You are polished and ready to move forward."
and "You are polished and they are not needed"


AND.. In truth I think it would be helpful for kids who's hurts are more ordinary too.

Focus on Fostering: Senseless Deaths

For the last week it has been very hard to be a foster parent in Maine. This is May... National Foster Parent Month... a day to celebrate the work we do, working to give children a safer childhood and better future. And then the news.  First there was news of a 10-week-old baby who had been thrown by his frustrated dad into a chair and was on life support.  By the time baby Ethan died, his twin brother and 3-yr-old half-sister had already been taken into custody by the state. The 23-year old dad's slumped shoulders were on every news channel as he was arraigned and charged with depraved indifference, etc. etc. That was bad enough.

Then the news revealed that the dad had himself been a abused as a young boy and had been in the foster care system through several homes before his final home at 8 where he was adopted at 9 years old. His foster then adoptive parents are heartbroken.  They have lost a grandchild and now also face the immeasurable pain I wrote about for my book [in a meditation I will share in this Sunday's Caring Heart post].

They also grieve for the young boy they adopted and raised, dreaming and planning a much different future for him. Ironically this same man, now in shackles, had been the focus of a news story 14 years ago when his adoption at 9 and grinning face signaled and celebrated a "happy ending" for a child who had struggled in foster care. [ Read Bill Nemitz's recollections and article. ]  It would be easy to despair.

But my point today that is that we must not despair! There is no way to make sense of a senseless death. Sadly, senseless deaths happen all the time.  Sometimes they come at the hands of noteworthy disaster such as a tornado or a hurricane or a tsunami. Sometimes they come randomly, as when a tree branch falls without warning on a playing child. Sometimes they come through careless, impulsive, human behavior, as in drunken driving, or substance mixing, or lashing out. Sometimes they come from that split second loss of control or rational thought  as in many suicides, murders, and child abuse deaths. We can [and should] study them. We can [and must] do our best to prevent them.  But I think we delude ourselves if we think that we can even control all the factors that come into play.

In a way, how arrogant to think we can.  As parents, we would never take all the credit for what our children accomplish or for all of their good traits. But we are quick to feel to blame for their mistakes, big or small. To feel we should have been able to predict or to prevent.  To feel that what we did was not enough. That we should have done more.  That doing more might have made a difference.  Sometimes we are faced with the pain of senseless death.


Image credits and thanks to: mindful construct.com,  my photos re the Portland Sunday Telegram and Bill Nemitz's wonderful article  and Edward Murphy's background article.

Focus on Fostering: Raise Your Voice

May is Foster Care Month. Chances are that sometime this month the agency you work with will send you a card or sponsor a dinner or do something to thank you for the work you are doing as a foster parent.  Some agencies do it well.  Some not so well.  I am fortunate to be with an agency that does it very well indeed.

What are you doing for foster care month?  Yes, yes, I know that taking care of your kiddos should be enough, but think about it.  Are you doing anything to change some of the ongoing administrative and policy challenges of foster care?  One of the biggest problems with that is that just doing the care demands so much time and energy that there is little left for activism. Enrollment in the National Foster Parent Association is only a tiny fraction of the number of foster parents nationwide.

Usually my Tuesday post is a strategy or tip for helping with the day to day business of fostering the children in our care.  Today I urge each of you to find any way possible, large or small, to find your voice and raise it.  There are literally millions of us... We need to be heard if foster care is to change.

We need to be vocal and active.  If we don't speak up ourselves, how can we expect others to speak up for us.  Remember... we are not speaking for ourselves, but for the children.  We deserve a better system so that we can be and do better for them.  They deserve a better system and better outcomes.  We all deserve a better image and public perception.  Let's raise our voices at least this one month a year. [ If you are too busy.... perhaps you can wear a blue ribbon and use that opportunity to answer questions about foster care.]

And, if your agency does a good job for you... Tell them!  Better yet, tell the people who fund your agency exactly what things they do that work, that make life better for you and your kiddos. Tell them!

Image credits and thanks to: lifetimesentence.tumblr.com, dfps.state.tx.us, aecf.org, fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com, chicagonow.com

Focus on Fostering: Personal Game Pieces

If your house is like mine.. you have enough plastic medicine vials and caps to build a model of the Empire State Building or perhaps a full size replica of the local DHHS building! Here is one of my favorite ways to up-cycle the plastic caps!  I talked about this idea once before, but I keep getting requests to repeat it, so here goes....

Take the caps off old medicine vials. Take some extra school pictures or old snapshots of your kids.  Cut the face of each child in a circle matched to the size of the cap. Glue the picture to the cap.  Voila... personal playing pieces!

For games like Monopoly you will only need one picture playing piece for each child.  For games like Parcheesi, Sorry etc. you will need a set of playing pieces for each child. Use matching pictures or a mix of pictures of each child. 

No more arguing over who gets to be the top hat or thimble in Monopoly or to play red in Sorry. No problem remembering who is what color or what symbol. Kids love moving "themselves" around the game board.  Plus, for kids with attachment or self-esteem issues, the personalizing is a real plus.

And don't let the kids have all the fun...make them for the parents too!  For an extra kick make some for frequent playmates of your children. My kiddos' friends are always excited when they discover I have made a playing person just for them out of an old snapshot.  Try it!  Let me know how it works for you.

Image credits: moderngent.com

Focus on Fostering: Fostering Blogs I Love

I enjoy reading other blogs and particularly some of the ones by other foster parents.  Sunday I about fell off my chair laughing over her post about ways to know you are a foster parent.  I HAD to email her and ask if I could like to her site for you and share part of that post!


I think my two favorites were:

***You know every pediatrician and specialist in your area that takes Medicaid, whether or not they are accepting new patients, their estimated waiting time for appointments, and the first names of all of their nurses and front office staff.


***You know you're going to be in the restroom longer than 30 seconds, and you bring your monthly paperwork with you so you don't waste valuable time just sitting there.

And though I have never dared be this bold I had to laugh at this one:


***You're intentionally vague when questioned about your children by random strangers simply because you get a good chuckle out of watching them squirm.  "Is he your first?"  "No.  He's my 12th."  or  "Does she (your child of a very obviously different race) look like her father?"  "I don't really know.  I never saw him."  ;-)


You can see why I wanted to share  this blog post of hers with you!  We all need to laugh at some of the challenges once in a while. Check out much more of her blog at  "I Must Be Trippin'" especially if, like me and like her, you are a single foster parent. Poke around at some of her past posts and maybe, sign up to follow her blog too!


I am thinking of choosing one Tuesday a month to feature another foster parenting blog. What do you think?


Image credits and thanks to: zazzle.com, affm.net

Focus on Fostering: Grandparent Parents

Today's post is directed at those who are foster parenting or adoptive parenting children the age of their grandchildren.  Parent down a skipped generation is full of challenges.  I know because I am doing it.  I often laugh when I see news stories about women in their 50s who are excited to be pregnant and extol the virtues of older parenting.  I agree that their are some plusses to parenting at an age when most are grandparenting. BUT, I sometimes want to phone those women and say w-a-i-t ! ! 
 Take a moment to imagine . . .

...why menopause is not intended to coexist with pre-teen or teen angst.

... why school open houses and parent conferences do not hold the same appeal in your 60s as in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s.

... what you will encounter when you try to make friends with the parents of the school friends of your child... parents who are 20-30 years younger than you, often with verrry different values than you.

Despite all of that and far more, I recognize that the decision to parent grandchildren is often a non-decision. It so often is a choice between two difficult options, each with predictable prices to be paid financially, emotionally, and practically.

My best advice?.... recognize and learn to accept that you cannot parent the same way you did or would have in your 20s and 30s.  You will be more tired.  Your body will be less flexible.  Your relationship with your children and other grandchildren will be affected. Your energy will have smaller reserves.  Your emotions may be less resilient.  Accept all this.  Plan for it.

Take naps when you can.
Don't beat yourself up emotionally for needing extra time or space to regroup.
Build in recovery time after energy-sapping plans.
Cut yourself some slack.... maybe even a lot of slack.

And.......Celebrate when the wisdom of your years/experience make something easier or smoother or more effective!

Image credit and thanks to:  ucanr.org, lagrg.org, centralcoastseniors.org

Focus on Fostering: Share this Book!

I recently was part of a conversation about the book:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

This book generally gets [and deserves] good reviews and I know many adoptive parents who have found the book helpful. However, in this conversation it came out that some parents find it discouraging.  The book is full of the fears and concerns experienced by adopted children and in the process includes many ways that parents unintentionally may make things more difficult or send unintended messages. One person I talked to said it almost dsicouraged them from choosing to adopt a child they had been considering, for fear they would not be able to make the child happy. NOT what the author intended!

Sadly, far less well known is Sherrie Eldridge's wonderful second book:

20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed..Discover the Unique Need of Your Adopted Child and Beocme the Best Parent You Can 

THIS book is far more PROactive than reactive. In it Eldridge focuses on the parents and provides lots of practical ideas for success.  This book is far more encouraging AND far more useful. 

While it focuses on adoptive children, I recommend it to foster parents and kinship parents as well.  ANYone who is attempting to raise children not born to them can learn specific ideas to help their challenges in this second book. 

So, readers.....

Spread the word. Get a copy.  Give it to a friend who is adopting. Give one to your local library or association.  Give it to a social worker or your child welfare department. Write the author with your feedback.  Best of all... write the publisher!! As a published writer myself I know how hard it is to get publishers interested in a book proposal, especially one that is targeted to a minority market. THANK the publisher for recognizing this segment of the parenting market. Thank them for the positive rather than exploitive nature of this book. Ask them for more books for this market!

And if you know someone who is considering this special kind of parenting......

Reach out....Share your successes. Share your expertise.  Share your stories!

Image credits and thanks to: lsmnj.org,

Focus on Fostering: Un-huggable?

Most children love to be hugged. But, sometimes children who have been through trauma actually shrink from hugs. Here is a strategy for giving them the affection without physical contact and gradually acclimate them to the idea of hugs. Give them a way to receive, give, and even exchange visual or by-proxy "hugs" until they are comfortable with that direct contact. 

Take some pink felt, some stuffing, and a permanent marker. Cut out two matching heart shapes. Write HUGS on one of the hearts. Stitch 3/4 the way around the two hearts, then stuff the heart and sew the opening closed.
If you want to be fancier… use embroidery thread to stitch the word HUGS and stitch around right sides together and then turn the hearts before stuffing to hide the seams inside once you stitch it closed. 


After you explain the stuffed hug to your child leave it for your child  to find... on their pillow at night, next to their lunch bag, at their table place etc. Tell your child that they can either give it back to you directly or can leave it someplace for you to find. 

The next step is to make it more personal and interactive. When you want to give the child a hug, hug the pillow in a gentle, affectionate hug, then hand the “hug” to the child and have him/her copy by giving the pillow a gentle hug. Explain it to the child and then give them their own hug pillow that they can use when they want to give a sign of affection by giving a “hug.”  Eventually most children will graduate from giving stuffed hugs to real hugs and you will have helped them take one more step in healing.

Until you get your stuffed hug ready... try web-searching for images of hugs, print some up, and leave a visual hug to surprise your child on their bed, in their binder,  under their laid-out clothes, etc.  Get creative and have fun with it!


Image credits and thanks to: free-extras.com, and especially...  hugsandkeepsakes.blogspot.com

Focus on Fostering: Saying "I Love You"

Do you have an adolescent who is mortified when you say “I love you” in front of their friends?  Don’t stop giving them the messages of love and connection. Instead come up with a “secret” family code that means “I love you.”  You can still tell them you love them, and they can return the affection without embarrassment, and with the special touch of bonding through a secret code. 

In our family we used the deaf “I love you” finger sign longer before it became widely recognized in the hearing world.  Later we would call out “RILY” to stand for “Remember, I love you!” 

One day one of my children discovered that when you say “elephant shoes” your lips make the same moves as in saying “I love you.” Bingo a new secret code was born…. Most strangers, hearing us say,  “Don’t forget elephant shoes!” to a departing loved one are just left to wonder where they are going, and what they do!


Image credits: lifeprint.com, soulsolutions.com.au

Focus on Fostering: Welcoming New Children--pt 2

Two weeks ago [February 21] I explained the basics of making a Welcome Book for new children in your home.  They won't work for toddlers, but can work well for children from pre-school up, adjusted for age. 
Today a few more possibilities for welcoming:  

For young kids:  
Make an emergency card with their name, your name, address, contact phone number etc. for them to keep in their pocket in case they get lost or confused. [Once they have learned it, they will no longer need it.]

Make a simple, coded map of the neighborhood.  
--Star houses that have children the same/near age.  
--Mark any house that is a safe place to go if they get home and you are held up someplace and not home yet. 
--If you have really great neighbors get a photo of the family that is the "safe house" and put it in their album or on the map!

Make and keep a "friends" photo album:

--Take an inexpensive small photo album [often available at dollar stores] and label it New Friends or People I've Met or just a bunch of smiley face stickers on the front. 

--When you have a neighborhood playmate over to meet them, take a quick picture and add it to the album.

--Give them a disposable camera to take to school and take pictures of new friends, teachers, etc. to add to their album. 

Take, frame and mount and a family "Welcome" photo:

--Take a picture of the family holding a big "Welcome to the Smiths" sign/s.

   Be sure everybody has big smiles, maybe waving, looking natural and informal.

   [If you have pets, include them.]

--Get a large print of it, frame it and put it in the wall, maybe over their bed.

--If you know ahead, include their name.

Image credits and thanks: leaguewriters.blogspot.com,firstcongmadison.org , jhcabo.blogspot.com

Focus on Fostering: Welcoming New Children-- pt 1

When new children arrive in your home, ithey come full of loss and often trauma.  Helping them feel safe and comfortable in your home, especially school age children, requires extra work. [And if you have friends who are adopting a new child share this tip with them too!]

Try this way to welcome and reassure a new child. Prepare a Welcome Book about your home, family, and community.  

When your new placement arrives have the Welcome Book waiting on their bed or 

beside their bed.  Use a three-ring binder and include some of the following items:

--Pictures of family members with their names printed clearly.--Photo and description of the elementary, middle, and high school your foster kids would  attend. Include pics of playground and/or sports fields.

--Pages with pictures of some of the fun places to go in your area.... bowling alleys, roller rinks, parks, playgrounds, beaches, movie theaters... anyplace fun you may take the kids

--Simple map of the immediate neighborhood labeling your and nearest neighbor houses with your address and phone#,  plus the closest neighbors' names, phone #s --Picture of the church you attend [maybe including the pastor, priest, rabbi]

--Pictures of  frequent visitor friends, neighbors [with names printed]

--Page with channel numbers for local television stations, including common kids channels

Note: The three ring binder lets you choose which pages to include in your Welcome Book depending on the child who is arriving.  [age, gender, interests, concerns, etc.]This is especially helpful and important for those of you out there who take temporary foster care kids, short term, or emergency placements.

Two weeks from today I will post part two with more welcoming tricks and tips ! 


image credits and thanks: bookwormangels.org,leaguewriters.blogspot.com 

Focus on Fostering: Powell tragedy

I have been fighting to not overreact to the news of the tragedy in Washington that cost the lives of Susan Powell's two sons, Josh and Braden, at the hands of their father Josh Powell. I have tried to continue my usual schedule of blogs, not wanting to feed the frenzy or exploit the tragic loss.  But I don't feel comfortable ignoring it either.  Strangely I had pre-written a blog for posting after the holidays that I had titled "Waiting for a Tragedy."  I have now un-scheduled that post.  But the reality is that changes in protocols and procedures, like changes in support and training, all to often follow the pendulum that seems to rule all economic and legal decisions. They grow in reaction to powerful events and shrink in reaction to a stretch of time with an absence of obvious or notable events. Juggling competing rights and needs will always be a challenge. I am painfully familiar with some of the issues, but would like to present three reminders:

1-Good judgment is not easily discerned or defined.

2-Good judgment cannot always be legislated or enforced or enticed. 

3-Good judgment is not clairvoyant. 

Let us pray for those left behind.

Let us pray for comfort and wisdom for those haunted by second-guessing.

And please, let us all pray for that person assigned to take the boys and supervise a visit, who will live the rest of their lifetime with the images and memories of Sunday morning. 

Image credit: writerscafe.org

Focus on Fostering: Bonding books

What are you favorite bonding books? All children love bedtime stories, but children in care seem to have a special need for books about connecting, books about unconditional love, and all the things they dream about.

The Kissing Hand and Love You Forever are two perennial favorites. 

My kids and I also like:
 
How Many Kisses Do You Want Tonight?  
[by Varsha Bajaj, Ill by Ivan Bates, pub: Little, Brown and Co., ISBN 0-316-82381-3]

When I read this book I follow along with the story giving kisses by the number each animal requests [1-10]... the kids are usually giggling happily by the time we get to the little girl who asks for a hundred. 

I Will Hold You 'Til You Sleep  
[by Linda Zuckerman, Ill by Jon J Muth, pub: Scholastic Press, an Arthur A. Levine Book, ISBN 0-439-43420-3]

This book starts with reassuring a child that you will be there to share the happy times, the rough times, the painful times, and the fun times. But it also goes beyond that to show that constant supportive love is not only a gift to your child, but from one generation to the next, both forward and backward by ending with a unique turnaround of comforting an loving presence.  


Send me your kids' favorite comfort books and maybe we can get a list going? 
There can never be too many bonding books to read to kiddos at night!

Focus on Fostering: "You chose this"

Last Wednesday on "Soapbox" I told about a different perspective on life situations.  Not labeling things as simply Have to do [the things we dread, avoid, and hate doing] vs Want to do [the things we love, choose, and do happily.  Adding a category of Choose to do [though not wanted].  This made me think of foster parenting and I promised I would explain that today even though it isn't soapbox day.  I suspect my experience is not terribly different than many of you foster parenting challenging children.

I sometimes feel like those around me think I have no right to complain or sigh or moan.  Too often I hear the comment that I didn't Have to do this. They assume that choosing to do something means we Want to do it.  Particularly for those doing kinship care nothing could be farther from the truth.  We never wanted to be in this position.  Our nightly dream is a world where all children are raised by loving, caring, adequate parents.  But they aren't.  We don't have that world yet.

But all children deserve to be raised in a loving, safe, nurturing environment and so, with heavy hearts and many prayers we step up.  We choose that which we don't want because it needs to be done.  

So the next time someone says to you with that annoying attitude... "Well... you didn't have to do this... you chose to do this" remember and maybe even explain:
1. We never wanted to know that there were children in the world who have endured and survived what some of our children have endured and survived. 2. Not wanting to deal with all that fostering brings does NOT mean we don't love the children, and even enjoy them.
3. We don't do it because of the money, or the fun, or even the joy.  When the joy and the fun come they are welcome bonuses, rewards for the effort and the pain.

We do it [or at least I do it] because it needs to be done.  Because every child deserves to be loved, to be safe, and to know joy.  Be sad that not all children can/do get this from their own parents.  Be proud that this is something you choose, that you choose to give children that love, that safety and to teach them to see and feel joy.  We DARE to choose to foster parent and kinship care.

Image credits: blogs.hds.com, liz-green.com

Focus on Fostering: What's in a Name?

One of the things that makes foster children feel like odd man out is that their last name is usually different from everyone else in the family.  The longer they are with the family the harder it is.  I have often had long term foster children who have desperately wanted to have the same name as mine or the other children in my family.  The desire to "match" is strong.  Sometimes I have even had foster siblings who had different last names from each other making an even wider array of last names in the house.  They still missed that sense of matching that says we belong.

If this problem has ever come up for you, did you know that they can often use your last name for most ordinary purposes?  For example: They can use the family last name [let's say "Sally Smith"] on the school homework papers, permission slips, church, synagogue, scouts, etc.  The only thing they must understand is that all legal papers must be in their legal name[let's say "Sally Jones"]. This means report cards, evaluations, therapy and medical reports, etc. will have their legal name. Sometimes if you talk to the school and your school is cooperative they will put both names [ex: "Sally [Smith] Jones"] If you plan to do this, let teachers know so they aren't caught unaware, and so they can adjust their alphabetical lists accordingly.

Often this can even be done with the blessings of your human services caseworker, particularly if your child is in counseling and the therapist agrees that it would be therapeutically beneficial for the child. They often don't crave the legal change as much as the chance to blend in socially. 

Image credit: teamlobsterbisque.com

Focus on Fostering: Anxiety Books for kids

Here are two books that help young kids understand and deal with fearfulness.

Don't Be Scared, Little Cub 
by Jillian Marker and John Bendall-Brunello
pub: Paragon Publishing
 
Cute little story about a lion cub and his father on a nighttime walk.  Frightened by the noises and shadows in the night darkness, Little Cub is reassured by the presence of his father. The story ends with the tables being turned and Little Cub being brave.

There's A Nightmare in  my Closet

written and illustrated by Mercer Mayer
Dial Books [Pied Piper series]

Fun story of a child who defeats the nightmares in his closet only to end up comforting them when he discovers they are more afraid of him.

Also available on YouTube in several versions, including a fun animated version narrated by Billy Crystal.

Focus on Fostering: Recreating a Past

Kids who have been taken from their original family from abuse and/or neglect often lack the beginning chapters of their life story.  They are likely to lack the baby pictures, first missing tooth photos, and more.  In a perfect world, parents would be required by the courts to answer basic developmental history questions about their children so that crucial health and developmental information would be available. But no such practice exists. But, if you have a child who is noticing their absence of early photos in your home, or in a scrapbook, or for a school project.... how about putting them in charge???

Give them the chance to rewrite their beginning chapters.  Dig out a child development book and tell them about when a baby sits up, gets their first tooth, starts to crawl, takes its first steps.  Help the child create a story about their beginnings.  As long as you don't use it for diagnostic purposes, why not?

Go another step and help the child [or adolescent] search online pictures and pick out a baby picture, a toddler taking first steps or playing with stacking toys, or grinning a gap-toothed smile. Print them, cut them out. May a fictional baby book for your child. Let them choose... where they a bald baby or a baby with a monk fringe of hair, or blond or dark hair. Let them choose.  There is so little in their life so far they have had choice in.... why not let them choose to recreate a beginning?

Image credits:  momwithoutamap.com, cutestwallpapers.blogspot.com, planning family.com

Focus on Fostering.... Holiday backsliding

Ok, so Halloween is over and those of you new to foster care might be think that things will settle down once the candy high is past.  I advise you to think carefully about the children in your care and whatever is their background, because you may need to prepare for some rough waters. Halloween is just the first of a cascade of three holidays that focus on "Hallmark moments." You know what I mean... holidays filled with images of "typical" families, with close bonds, loving moments, sharing fun and celebrating together.

For children who are not able to be with their families, separated from parents, often separated from siblings, from neighborhoods and familiar schools, it is hard to find anything resembling Hallmark's images. Can you "fix" that?  No. But you can be aware of the stress it causes, particularly in children old enough to notice, but not old enough to really understand, let alone appreciate what you are trying to provide for them. Don't take it personally! Be prepared.

Talk to them about the holidays.  Find out what they would like to happen. They may have great holiday memories, terrible ones, or even innaccurate, imagined memories. Thanksgiving for them may have little to do with a big festive meal with relatives around the table. Start early to focus on the concept of thanks. Plan ways to help the children identify things they can be thankful for, modeling things for which you are thankful. And... though I know it is nearly eight weeks away.... start thinking about how you can support them emotionally not just through Thanksgiving, but Hannukah or Christmas or Kwanza the next month.

You cannot create perfect  Hallmark holidays, but if you are prepared and creative you can help them get through this stretch without falling apart.

PS. Remember that ALL kids can struggle during the holidays.  Click here for a fun post about some of the risks and strategies of even "typical" family gatherings from blogger Holly Homer who blogs at momitforward.com.

Image credits: newswise.com, momitforward.com

Focus on Fostering: Try a worry wall

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....





Image crdits:
emotionalmachines.org,
looktothenorth.wordpress.com,
sodahead.com