Parenting Tips: Tame the Worries...pt 1

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....

Image crdits:

emotionalmachines.org,

looktothenorth.wordpress.com,

sodahead.com

Focus on Fostering: A Messy Process

I recently was inspired to a different perspective on foster parenting.  It arose from a conversation about whether person x should act on their impulse to try foster parenting.  Person x was asking me and some others for advice about what it is like etc. etc.Usually I say something that focuses on the importance of foster parenting to the lives of children in need of care.  Often I talk about the skills that are helpful in fostering, the challenges one should be ready for, and other such ideas.

But how to prepare someone in simple terms for foster parenting? In simple, clear language?  Foster parenting is messy.  It often lacks clarity. No simple "do x and do y and z will happen".  No "this child will be with you for x months." No definitive answers regarding bio parents.  No promises of "successful" outcomes [however you define success]. It is not neat... it is messy.  It is not neat physically, emotionally, psychologically, or in any way shape or form.

Foster Parenting is messy.

ANY kid of parenting is messy some of the time, but in traditional parenting there are some pretty dependable absolutes.  Not so in foster parenting.  Pretty much everything is up for grabs.  If you need absolute order, foster parenting is not for you.  If you need clear answers and dependable outcomes, foster parenting is not for you.  Foster parents need to be able to accept messy situations without being shaken. Parenting as a work of art is more graffiti-covered than Michelangelo.

On the other hand, much of what is of value in the world is messy for at least part of the process. I doubt even Michelangelo's work on the Sistine Chapel was always clear, always neat, always according to the schedule or the plan. Pottery that is gorgeous requires getting dirty literally up to your elbows as the wheel spins. A garden that bears delicious bounty involves a lot of mess in the process. I don't need to keep going.

Foster parents learn to accept the mess, heck sometimes to even embrace the mess. From foster parenting can come wondrous events, amazing people, inspiring lives..... and yes.... a lot of mess along the way.  Foster parenting is messy.  You will need to get your hands dirty. Know it.  Accept it.  Dive in!

Image credits and thanks to: simonmarsh.org, messycanvas.com

Focus on Fostering: Kids who are Hurt

I found this quote and posted it on my Pinterest board for foster/adoptive/kinship parents.  I think this is an unusual perspective that could be really helpful for kids who have been abused or mistreated over and over.

If the end seems a little too harsh for the particular children in your care, lighten it by saying "they are of little use" or " they are put aside" or something else.

For my kiddos I've tried "You are polished and ready to move forward."
and "You are polished and they are not needed"


AND.. In truth I think it would be helpful for kids who's hurts are more ordinary too.

Parenting Tips: Final Calm Spot Hints

I've posted about recommended creating a Calm Spot instead of Naughty Chair [March 22]

I've posted about  how to use a Calm Spot  [March 29]

Last Thursday was ideas of what to put in a Calm Spot to help your child regain calm. [April12]

Today some final thoughts 

Remember that the goal is to help your child understand, recognize, and manage their feelings in a way that helps your household maintain a more calm, less streessful, less emotional atmosphere.

Two Key Points: 

1- The child should help pick the Calm Spot and the items for the Calm Box. 

This is part of teaching the child to recognize their own style, what helps, etc. It also teaches the assumption that there are things that DO help. 

2- Do this when all is well with the child.  

That's when you explain that when s/he needs to calm down s/he can go to his spot and use the box until s/he feels calm or until thinks /she can come back and be ok. 

Three ways they might go to their Calm Spot:  

1.They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  

2. You might suggest the calm spot if something you see makes you think they need it. 

3. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.  

 [Some families make these into rules and post them for older kiddos.]

Miscellaneous extra ideas:

1- Consider having your older kids serch online for images or photos that are calming. Print them and make a calming notebook of those images, or post them in their calm spot.

2-Research calming techniques online for them OR for you. There are apps that help with relaxation [ex: breathe2relax] and online relaxation sites [ex: www.calm.com].

Go for it!     and     Good Luck!  

I hope this series has helped.

Image credit and thanks to: chir.ag,

Parenting Tips: Supporting Calm

[This was supposed to be the post last Thursday but last Thursday I missed posting, so here it is today The other two in the series were on March 22 and 29th.]


How do you stock a Calm Spot?

For a Calm Spot to work best, equip the spot with things that help your particular child calm down.  Think about two questions:
      1- What does your child tend to do when they are upset? 
      2- What helps your child settle down when they are upset? 
Knowing those two things will help you figure out what might work best for your child.  Then you can work together to set up the ideal spot for each child to keep them safe while angry and help them calm down and turn it around. 


Some examples and ideas:

1- What does your child naturally tend to do when they are upset? 

Try to thinks of safe ways for them to do that activity and expend that energy in their Calm Spot. Examples...

Hit things?  Try clay or Play-Dough for Pounding.

Yell or Scream?   A thick pillow for punching or screaming into. 

Ripping Things Up?  Put a bunch of scrap paper and a zip lock bag for ripping and stuffing.

Burst into tears?  Add a box of Kleenex.

Cover their ears?  Put in old-style ear-covering headphones

Fall asleep? Add a pillow and lap blanket.

2- What helps your child start settling down when they are upset? 

Think about what your childusually does when the storm begins to pass.Providing materials to do that will help them transition from the anger to calm.

 Listen to Music?  A player and CD or their favorite calming music. 

      [Be sure it has working batteries!] 

Draw?  Coloring Book and crayons or pencils
Quiet Activities?  Maze or puzzle book, Legos, etc. 
Being left alone?  Headphones help here to block out the world.
Lie down or Take a nap?   Add a pillow and lap blanket.
Some kids have a special cuddle toy or blanket. Does yours? 


Note....Some of my kiddos as they got older kept a well-stocked Calm Box in their room or in their Calm Spot and I no longer needed to  manage it. The Calm Spot/Box technique became part of their personal management habits. [Maybe their spouses will thank me someday? Hee-Hee]


Next Thursday:  Final Reminders and Calm Spot rules.  


Image credit and thanks to:  ahaparenting.com, examiner.com

Parenting Tips: Using a Calm Spot

Last week I talked about teaching your children with a "Calm Spot" rather than a "Naughty Chair."  I promised this week to detail how you use a Calm Spot... so no pictures today, just concrete info.


How do you use a Calm Spot?
When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. 

If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!

If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."

If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. 
Still stay calm.  
Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  
Re-state, when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot, that it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. You are helping them. Do not give the impression that it is a punishment. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  

P.S.  Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot] that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.

Everyone needs a Calm Spot.  




Next Thursday:  What stuff can you use in a calm spot to help achieve calm?

Parenting Tips: Calm Spots

I live near the ocean and as a child spent some time each summer by the ocean.  Somehow over the years, I began to equate watching the water [especially waves] with calm.  If I am having a terrible day, the most healing place to go is to sit [in my car if it is December!] by the ocean and watch the waves for even just 5 minutes.  Somehow as each wave recedes it takes away some of my anger and frustration, and as each fresh wave comes in it brings me a bit of resilience and renewal. 

I have come to believe that everyone needs a calm spot. My calm spot of choice is the ocean. That concept has helped me with some of the kids who tend to be explosive, or defensive, or any of the other types of high emotion that seem to be beyond their ability to control. 

What is a Calm Spot?

I have asked each of my kiddos to chose a Calm Spot.  They can try out different ones to find the best.  Sometimes they need to change their spot. What is a calm spot?  I tell them it is a place they can go when they feel like their insides are going too fast, their feelings are going to explode, etc. It should be a place where they can calm themselves down and be safe until they do.  


Next Thursday I will tell you how I set up each child's Calm Spot, what I put there, etc. 
Happy Thursday!

P.S. Sorry, no time for finding photos this morning.... late waking up and an all day training to get to..... Fill i with a mental picture of YOUR calm spot!

Focus on Fostering: Un-huggable?

Most children love to be hugged. But, sometimes children who have been through trauma actually shrink from hugs. Here is a strategy for giving them the affection without physical contact and gradually acclimate them to the idea of hugs. Give them a way to receive, give, and even exchange visual or by-proxy "hugs" until they are comfortable with that direct contact. 

Take some pink felt, some stuffing, and a permanent marker. Cut out two matching heart shapes. Write HUGS on one of the hearts. Stitch 3/4 the way around the two hearts, then stuff the heart and sew the opening closed.
If you want to be fancier… use embroidery thread to stitch the word HUGS and stitch around right sides together and then turn the hearts before stuffing to hide the seams inside once you stitch it closed. 


After you explain the stuffed hug to your child leave it for your child  to find... on their pillow at night, next to their lunch bag, at their table place etc. Tell your child that they can either give it back to you directly or can leave it someplace for you to find. 

The next step is to make it more personal and interactive. When you want to give the child a hug, hug the pillow in a gentle, affectionate hug, then hand the “hug” to the child and have him/her copy by giving the pillow a gentle hug. Explain it to the child and then give them their own hug pillow that they can use when they want to give a sign of affection by giving a “hug.”  Eventually most children will graduate from giving stuffed hugs to real hugs and you will have helped them take one more step in healing.

Until you get your stuffed hug ready... try web-searching for images of hugs, print some up, and leave a visual hug to surprise your child on their bed, in their binder,  under their laid-out clothes, etc.  Get creative and have fun with it!


Image credits and thanks to: free-extras.com, and especially...  hugsandkeepsakes.blogspot.com

Focus on Fostering: Saying "I Love You"

Do you have an adolescent who is mortified when you say “I love you” in front of their friends?  Don’t stop giving them the messages of love and connection. Instead come up with a “secret” family code that means “I love you.”  You can still tell them you love them, and they can return the affection without embarrassment, and with the special touch of bonding through a secret code. 

In our family we used the deaf “I love you” finger sign longer before it became widely recognized in the hearing world.  Later we would call out “RILY” to stand for “Remember, I love you!” 

One day one of my children discovered that when you say “elephant shoes” your lips make the same moves as in saying “I love you.” Bingo a new secret code was born…. Most strangers, hearing us say,  “Don’t forget elephant shoes!” to a departing loved one are just left to wonder where they are going, and what they do!


Image credits: lifeprint.com, soulsolutions.com.au

Focus on Fostering: Blessings Cake

As all experienced foster parents know, kids in care often see their lives as bleak, as filled with negatives. Part of our job is to help them recognize what is good in their lives.  One strategy I have used is a "Blessings Cake."

I make their favorite kind of cake and frost it with their favorite flavor icing.  Then I buy whatever their favorite colorful candies are.... M&Ms, Skittles, Mike and Ikes, jelly beans, or gumdrops all work fine.

This year I did it as part of our beginning a new year celebration, though not on New Year's Eve.

Each child received a small dish of one color candies, and there was a bowl of mixed colors as back up.

The kids helped me make the numbers of 2012 in one color candy in the center of the cake.

The set up was simple.... We went around the table and took turns naming people that were a blessing in our lives.

Whoever thought of the person put a candy somewhere on the cake to honor them.  IF the same person had been a blessing to more than one, the others could also add a candy as well. We could also name events or situations [getting braces off, having a warm house, etc.] that were blessings.

I found that by using the candy/cake combo the kids were far more invested in thinking up blessings than if we had just been sitting around as a family having a discussion! [The only start of disagreement was whether to make a design with the candies or just toss them randomly on the cake.]

When we ran out of blessings or candies we shared the cake happily aware of the multitude of blessings which each of us had.

My favorite response? 
"Hey Nana, next year we might need TWO bags of Skittles!"

Soapbox: Forgiveness Day

I heard on television that Monday was International Forgiveness Day.  I have never heard of such a day.  They didn't mention who sponsored the day, or crowned it as official.  I suppose I could look it up on the internet, but that isn't really the point.  What struck me was how useful such a day would be if it were used as such.  Imagine a day when old wrongs were released, old grudges dropped.

Most thoughtful people agree that holding a grudge, maintaining resentment, and festering anger hurts the "holder" far more than the person who is resented.  But it is often so so hard to truly release pent up anger or pain that has been carefully guarded, sometimes even fed. 

What a great model for our children and our world if we could learn. What a wonderful opportunity to have a day each year to talk about forgiveness, to practice forgiveness, and maybe actually learn how so that we can reap the rewards of anger and pain with peace and calm and healing.

Image credit: donmilleris.com

Focus on Fostering: Try a worry wall

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....





Image crdits:
emotionalmachines.org,
looktothenorth.wordpress.com,
sodahead.com

Focus on Fostering: When they are hateful.

I had intended to write a post on bonding books today but just can't make myself.  It has been a truly horrible week with children swearing, shouting, throwing, hitting, etc. You may know the kind of week. The kind where you wonder why you are doing this.  The kind of week when you think you have rescued children from abuse only to be abused by those children.  The kind of week when for 2¢ you would walk out the door and just drive until it was night and then sleep in the car. But... if you have chosen to take in therapeutic level children, or children who are deeply troubled, these days will happen, this is a part of what you are likely to get.

You need to know that.

You need to be ready for it.

What can you do?  Take Ten.... here are my favorite ten.

1. Remember the limits of your influence.

2. B-r-e-a-t-h-e.   Slowly and to a count of four.
In-2-3-4-, Out-2-3-4-.  Over and Over.

3. Remove yourself from the anger inside you.
Take a break... give yourself a timeout.

4. Keep reminding yourself that their words are just that.... words.
Yes, they hurt. But they don't even necessarily have the meaning the imply.

5. Pick up the phone and call a friend.

6. If the children can be left with someone else for a bit... do so.. and take a walk. [or even a stomp!]

7. Keep telling yourself that their anger is more about their pain, than about your fault.

8. Congratulate yourself that even at your angriest you will NOT do to the children what others have done. You are still keeping them safe, even in your anger.

9. Repeat: This mood is temporary this will pass this mood is temporary this will pass. etc.

10. B-R-E-A-T-H-E.  Deep cleansing breaths just like are needed in the midst of the pain of childbirth.

Sometimes one of them works, sometimes it takes all of them. Sometimes none of them work and I just have to wait it out. Sometimes I have to start over again at #1.

You are not alone.
           What you are doing is good.
                          What you are doing is HARD.
                                               You are not alone.

Image credit: mamaroo.com

Caring Heart: Defiance

Parents of teenagers are accostomed to defiance as their children enter the natural stage of tretching limits and independence.  But for many parents it comes much earlier and with a force, strength of will, and almost desperation at such an early age that the issue is as clear as the solution is obscured. 

Defiance 

I can take it when one of them grumbles.  I can take it when they talk back or drag their feet.  I can take all that and more and still manage.  But this flat-out defiance is a real problem.  I can't force him to eat.  I can't make her goto school.  They are too big to pick up and manhandle.  Even if they weren't to big, brute force is neither allowed nor useful and none of that matters because I won't use it.  Is brute force the only means of control they have experienced?  Are they trying to push me to that point to either prove everyone does it, or to proved they are that bad?  I will not use the kind of physical or emotional force that put them here.  I won't even come close!  So, how am I going to get them to do the things they must do?  They don't care enough about me to be motivated by wanting to please me.  They have lived without so much that there is nothing I can take away or give to them to motivate them.  So how do I get them to do what they must?  Help me figure this out.  Help them figure it out.  Help us.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Focus on Fostering: 4 Magic Words

Four simple words, but they often can start turning a situation around with almost magical power. I can't claim this idea as my own.  It developed out of a long ago counseling session for one of my more intractable kiddos.  It is a way of injecting calm. It allows you to continue to comfort or calm a child while waiting for an opportunity to help them find a solution.  Without taking over it lets a child know there are possibilities.  It is also a way of sneaking in some advice without it coming across as such. 

1-- Child X is ranting and raving about situation Y, or sobbing and wailing, or whining and complaining, or any number of other annoying reactions.  I say very calmly.... "I have an idea." That's all.  

2--  I wait. I do NOT continue, going on to explain my idea.  I wait.

3-- If the child continues without notice, I wait for a mini-pause and slip in a quiet... "Would you like to hear my idea?"

4-- I wait. I do not go on to offer my idea until a] the child can listen and b] the child indicates they want to hear it. 

5A- When they finish, sniffle, and ask... I share my idea for a solution.  "I was thinking that maybe you could think about...."  I always present it as an option they can consider along with their ideas. Sometimes they choose to ignore my idea and go with one of their own.  That's ok.  It theirs works...fine.  If not, they can try mine or another.  The idea is to have them consider options and learn eventually to solve problems themselves. 

OR

5B- If they never ask [and sometimes they don't] I continue to comfort them or help them calm down. At some point before I leave I congratulate them on settling down and say something like... when you think about this later, if you decide you want to hear that idea I had, just let me know. Then I again praise them if they have turned the situation/behavior around.  

OR

5C- If they don't calm down, or if they continue to escalate I suggest that they may need to go to a calm, safe place until they can be calm around other people.

If and when things are calm and there can be a calm discussion, I have been known to do the "I have an idea" etc. cycle up to two times to get in two possibilities.  I never go past two.  Also, I almost never go on to a second idea unless I have gotten the child to come up with an idea also. 

Try this!  I love the subtle way it allows the child to feel in control of the choices while still remaining open to hearing other people's ideas.  It also conveys a subtle confidence that you believe they can find or choose a successful solution. I've had it work with kids as young as two and as old as 22. I sometimes wish I could teach it to some of my adult friends! Let us know how it works when you have tried it a few times.  [And let us know what ages you have tried it with.] 

Image credits: fredbecker.com, pregnancy-parenting.becomegorgeous.com, squidoo.com

Focus on Fostering: Play Planner Squares

Last Tuesday and Thursday I wrote about the challenges of friends and developing friendships. I promised to explain the "Play Planner" to help facilitate successful friends time. After you have followed the steps from last Tuesday you will have some ideas for activities that could be successful and enjoyed by both kids.  Before the friend comes over for the playtime sit down with your child to make a play planner.

1. Divide a paper into 4 squares and number them 1-4.

2. Draw a stick figure saying "Hello" to a second stick figure.  Put a smile on the first stick figure! If the child is young you can just do their face saying "Hi!"
Talk about how friends come to the door to say hello when a friend comes to play. Depending on the age and abilities of your child you might even talk about some other possible things to say or ask as greetings. [The lines by the hand are supposed to indicate waving hello... clearly artistic expertise is not necessary!]

3. Draw a stick figure saying "Goodbye" or "Come back soon" or something similar to the second figure.  Both figures should have smiles now to show that both had a good time.  Talk about how friends show their friends to the door to say good bye when the friend comes to play. Talk about how saying "Thank you for coming." or "I hope you can come back again." or something like that is especially nice.

Now comes the essence of the planner... boxes 2 and 3.
Decide with your child on two -four activities that they would like to do during the time their friend is over.  Have the child pick their two favorites.

4.  Draw a picture [or glue a picture] of one of the activities in box 2.
This is one for one of my girls. [Those are dolls, not shrunken people!]

5. Draw a picture [or glue a picture] of one of the other activities in box 3.
Again one from my girls. Sometimes a tea party is with imaginary food, sometimes food they make, sometimes food I make. We would decide before the play visit which kind it was.

A completed 4-Square Play Plan [this one for my boys]

You now have a 4-square Play Plan that your child can follow and feel in control of what is going to happen.  Your child has participated in the planning, you can review it before the guest comes, and he/she can refer to it during the visit... you can even review it afterwards to see his/her perspective on how the visit went.

Option: Draw an extra,  little picture in box 2 and box 3 of their other two ideas as "back-up plans"

Give it a try. Adapt however you want.  Take photos of the kids playing that you can use in later 4-Squares in place of stick figures.  Have fun with it. Increase the number of blocks as they get more comfortable with friends.  Let me know if it is helpful... it was helpful for my crew.

P.S. Thanks for being patient with the late post!

Caring Heart: Learning to Say Goodbye

School ends for my kiddos this week. Some of their friends are moving away.  Soon they will meet, make new camp friends, and say goodbye to them. I am reminded of this meditation. I hope it helps some of you.

Learning to Say Goodbye [when it isn't forever]

Help him say goodbye.  He needs to learn that all goodbyes are not forever.  That sometimes a goodbye is a sad moment for a happy reason. You say goodbye to one teacher because you are going to the next grade.  You say goodbye to another because she is getting married and moving to another school.  You say goodbye to a friend who is heading off to college.  This child lives with so many goodbyes to his family.  A family that is broken.  And so, goodbyes for him bring nothing but memories of sadness and loss  Help him learn to say goodbye.  Help him learn ways to stay in touch when it is reasonable and good.  Help him live with the loss when staying in touch is not realistic.  Help him see the celebrations hidden within some goodbyes.  Help him separate the goodbye that forever changed his life from the ordinary everyday goodbyes of daily life and of growing up.  Help him learn to say goodbye.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Quick Takes: When Grumpies Attack

I must be in a book mood lately...
Here is a book I recommend to ALL parents.  IF you haven't needed it yet.... you will.

The Three Grumpies
Written by a fellow Maine writer Tamra Wight.
Illustrated by Ross Collins
Published by Bloomsbury Children's Books

It is a story familiar to all of us... the story of what happens when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Tamra created three very pesky and determined critters, amusingly drawn into life by Ross Collins. These three Grumpies bother the girl all day long, no matter what she tries to do to get rid of them. [Spoiler... she does get rid of them finally and in doing so she teaches the readers what does NOT help and what DOES help when you have a case of the Grumpies].

Tamra also has a fun authors website you can visit!


Illustrations of The Grumpies by Ross Collins Copyright © 2003

Focus on Fostering: Half Empty or Hall Full Life?

Children who have lost their birth families through tragedy, abuse, neglect or other circumstance have a lot that is negative in their lives.  I've talked about strategies for this before [1/18/11 and 3/22/11] but here is a mini-activity for even young kids that only takes a few minutes and can help them learn a key life lesson.  Choose a time when they are in the mood to listen and tell them you have a 5 minute challenge for them.

Tell them you are all going for a special walk.

Give them each 1 or 2  pebbles to put inside one or both of their shoes while they walk.

Give each a long lasting lollypop, hotball, or hard candy to suck on while they walk. [I've also used an ice cream cone.]

Walk for 5-10 minutes. Walk with them... outside, at a picnic area, or even around the inside of the house several times.  Judge the length of time, sweet treat, and pebble size based on the child or teen's age.

Sit down together after the walk and ask them to tell you about the walk. Talk about how they felt.  Talk about what they remember?  What did they see?  How did they like it?  What were they thinking while they were walking.   Chances are they will talk more about the stones in their shoes than the sweet candy taste in their mouth.

Talk to them about how this can show the choices we make about our lives. Everyone has hard things. Every has sweet things.  How do we choose to look at the events of our lives each day.   Do we focus on the bad things or the good things, the tough or the sweet.  Which do we spend more time thinking about? talking about? Remembering?    

Continue to remind them every once in a while about this walk experience when they hit some challenge, or get stuck on their past.  Let me know what tricks you have tried with success!


Image credits: theenergycollective.com, treehugger.com