Quick Takes: In Praise of Birthday Cards

In this day and age of digital conversations, skyped conversations, e-cards, and texting language the art of written communication is undergoing drastic changes.  But... don't give up on all of the traditions of writing!

Consider introducing your children to staying in written touch by encouraging them to send greeting cards.   Birthdays or holidays are great places to start.  They can make them or buy them... even the discount stores have cute greeting cards these days.

A card does not require a great deal of writing... a sentence or two is fine, so it isn't too intimidating even for children who aren't fond of writing. Pictures can start the smiles that continue when the recipient sees the name and/or note inside!

Cards and notes, however short, help people stay in touch across the miles or across the moods. Everyone loves the surprise of a personal note in the pile of junk mail, even more so now that personal mail is less common. Teach your children the habit of sending cards, and later notes, and they will always have friends and family who delight in hearing from them.

Image credits and thanks to savvyhousekeeping.com, comepraywithus.org

Quick Takes: Red Plate Special!

Three days ago I promised to explain how to use the extra red plates [or mugs or bowls] that you picked up on sale after Valentine's Day.  Here is one way to brighten an enliven a meal with the use of one of those red plates:

1. Keep a red plate in the cupboard.

2. Any time you choose, serve a specific member at the table with the red plate.

3. The person  with the red plate is granted special privileges:
     [gets to be served first, first choice on seconds, may pass on any part of the meal, doesn't have to clear their place, .... what ever privileges you choose to give the plate.]

4. After dinner, put the red plate back in the cupboard until the next time you feel like pulling it out.

Pull out the red plate for someone who has earned a reward, for someone who is discouraged and needs cheering up, for a guest, etc.  Be creative!   Have fun with it!


Image credit: monstermarketplace.com

Focus on Fostering: Blessings Cake

As all experienced foster parents know, kids in care often see their lives as bleak, as filled with negatives. Part of our job is to help them recognize what is good in their lives.  One strategy I have used is a "Blessings Cake."

I make their favorite kind of cake and frost it with their favorite flavor icing.  Then I buy whatever their favorite colorful candies are.... M&Ms, Skittles, Mike and Ikes, jelly beans, or gumdrops all work fine.

This year I did it as part of our beginning a new year celebration, though not on New Year's Eve.

Each child received a small dish of one color candies, and there was a bowl of mixed colors as back up.

The kids helped me make the numbers of 2012 in one color candy in the center of the cake.

The set up was simple.... We went around the table and took turns naming people that were a blessing in our lives.

Whoever thought of the person put a candy somewhere on the cake to honor them.  IF the same person had been a blessing to more than one, the others could also add a candy as well. We could also name events or situations [getting braces off, having a warm house, etc.] that were blessings.

I found that by using the candy/cake combo the kids were far more invested in thinking up blessings than if we had just been sitting around as a family having a discussion! [The only start of disagreement was whether to make a design with the candies or just toss them randomly on the cake.]

When we ran out of blessings or candies we shared the cake happily aware of the multitude of blessings which each of us had.

My favorite response? 
"Hey Nana, next year we might need TWO bags of Skittles!"

Holidays 101: #28-Predictions for 2012

So far as I know, none of us owns a fully-functioning crystal with which to look into our future.  Even so, the grocery store tabloids are screaming with front-page predictions about almost everyone and nearly everything that could possibly happen in 2012. While I don't encourage children to read the tabloids, it is sometimes fun to use a New Year's Eve to both teach about the untrustworthiness of tabloid journalism [for older kids] and create some family entertainment for this new year AND the next new year's eve.  Here is how it works...........

--Explain about predictions if your children are young.  If they are older maybe grab a typical tabloid to show the range and sometimes silliness of predictions.

--Ask each member of the family to make some predictions for the New Year 2012 and then sign their name to their list.  [Help younger kids by acting as their secretary.]
      +++ include possible accomplishments, activities, and some silly things for fun too!

-- Explain that you will save these lists until next New Year's Eve when you will reopen them and see if anyone got some predictions right! [Maybe stick in a $10 bill for the person who has the most predictions correct??] 

--Make a family ceremony of sealing the predictions in an envelope and marking it "Do NOT open until December 31, 2011" before placing it in a location for safe-keeping. Mark your calendar [paper or digital] to remind you a few days before next New Year's Eve to dig out the envelope and place it in full view, ready for the grand reveal!

Note: Maybe even save those tabloid predictions to see who does better?


Image credit: e-forwards.com, blog.mediatrust.com

Hollidays 101: #27-Year In Review

Lots of morning television shows have spent the last week airing compilations of the previous year's highlights.  The funniest moments.... the most significant stories... the ups ups and downs... you name it.

For some family New Year's Eve fun... create your family's  own Year In Review!

1. Take out some paper as you all sit around the table and have each person write down the most important things that happened during the last year.... If some are too small to write, or don't like to do the writing, then make one master list with you as secretary.
      Idea Starters:
--List accomplishments [ex: first steps, first bike, first job, first A, making it to the top of the jungle gym]
--List challenges [ex: broken arm, new school, friend moving away, lost job, new job]
--List favorite activities [ex: bedtime stories, picking apples, going to the beach or pool, a family vacation, a favorite tv show or game]
--List favorite people [ex: friends, idols, favorite singers or actors]

2. Put the lists into a large manila envelope labeled  "New Year's Eve 2011." Maybe even include a calendar.

3. Take a photo of all of you holding the envelope [with the year showing!]. Or make it one of just the kids holding a banner with the year 2011 in large colorful numbers.

4. Put the photo in the envelope and keep the envelope in a safe place.

5. Next New Year's Eve after you have made your 2012 Year in Review lists.... open the envelope and see how much the other lists have changed from the ones you made New Year's Eve 2011.   Who knows, it might become a family tradition.  In any case... save the envelopes you make as mini-time capsules of your family history!

PS: I am posting this BEFORE New Year's Eve to give you time to get the envelope etc, or to break it over two days with the kids to fill the time or improve vacation dispositions!

Holidays 101: #25- Before the Holiday Cleanup

Things to do before you start packing up the holiday decorations and going back to normal life:

1. Take a photo of the traditional decorations. 
         Is there a wall where you usually hang wreaths of childhood banners?


2. How about a pic of the finished tree?
         Whether the tallest ever, the scrawniest ever, it matters not. For best effect put a card with the year in large letters in front of the tree for the picture.

3. Gather the family for a group shot. 
      Maybe all in pj's?  Maybe a shot of just the kids, then just the grownups? Who knows? It might become a collectible if they become famous!
      [Again, holding a sign with the year makes dating it later much easier.]

4. Take a pic of each child with their favorite gift/s.

Make a tradition of any of these and you can later assemble a wonderful photo book for each child tracing the history of their holidays!

Image credits: she.suleka.com, shelterpop.com, qheonline.com

Holidays 101: #9- Free Gifts

One of the challenges I have as a parent is teaching my cherubs that not all gifts need to be cost money.  Sometimes a favorite gift might actually be free.  [For example... I recently had a birthday and without question my favorite gift that day was totally free.  I had a day when I did not hear a SINGLE fight, cross word, insult, jab, or argument between my children.  They may have happened, but if so, not within my hearing or presence.  It made a Lovvvvely, c-a-l-m, day.  And it didn't cost them a single penny!]

Here is my Holiday 101 strategy for today... to help your children brainstorm free acts of kindness that they can give as gifts this season [or any other].

Build a family Kindness Katalog:

1. Be prepared with a big piece of chart paper or poster paper and a magic marker.
2. Gather the crew, explain the concept and get started.  The idea is for each family member to [one at a time] come up with things THEY would consider a gift if given, but that does not cost ANY money.  It might be a back rub, a day with no chores, someone else doing their chore for x days, choice of dinner, an extra bedtime story, breakfast in bed, ride to school on a rainy day, etc.
3. Any suggestion that at least two people think would be a good gift gets written down on the chart. [If the family is small skip the two people part.] Mom & Dad should participate too of course!
4. When the chart is done post it in a place of honor.
5. Anyone who would enjoy any of the suggestions puts their initial next to the idea.  That way the rest of the family can go to the posted Kindness Katalog for gift giving ideas. 

I recommend a planned brainstorming session with everyone there to get the Kindness Katalog started.  After the initial brainstorming session you can add to the Katalog anytime people have more ideas.

Motivation Hint: I sometimes "sweeten" the process by setting out a big bowl of candy "hugs" and "kisses." Each time someone comes up with an idea for the kindness catalog they can help themselves to one "hug" or "kiss" candy.  Skittles also are popular and fewer calories per idea! [I find this fuels the imagination AND the motivation to come up with multiple ideas.] Since I usually do this activity one night after dinner, the treats serve as dessert.

Focus on Fostering: Gratitude Journals

Oprah Winfrey was a vocal advocate for gratitude journals.. a way of tracking all of our blessings and focusing on them, being mindful each day of the good in the day.

Quite possibly no one needs the habit more than children in care.  They often have had so much loss in their lives, so much pain. They often think they deserve what has happened.  I once told one of my gremlins that "everybody deserves a happy childhood," only to be contradicted very quickly and firmly with a "Not me.  Other kids, but not me."

Learning to see the positive in their lives, to find things to celebrate, is a skill often harder to acquire than anything they study in school and a skill far more needed in life.

Try modeling it this Thanksgiving.  Take a small blank book and a pen and act as secretary for them.  Whether around the table or on a bed, or in a comfy chair...generate a list together of things to be thankful for... people, moments, events, small steps, big steps. Put the year at the top of the list.  Then over the next month talk about that list.  Bring it out now and then. Add to it when something good happens, be it a good day, or a good hour.  Write it down to both make it real and to preserve it. On New Year's Eve turn to a new page and write 2012 at the top. Continue your list and touching base with each other.

With luck and determination, by next Thanksgiving your child will be far more able to participate.  They will be beginning to absorb the idea of taking moments to celebrate success, the ability to recognize good things when they come.

Little by little, day by day they will learn a more positive view of life.  A more balanced view of their own lives.  They may never be "glass half full" people. But hopefully you can show them and lead them to see that their glasses are not empty, that their glasses can become fuller over time.

Gratitude can be a candle of light against the darkness of discouragement, despair, and isolation. Use this Thanksgiving to help them light the flame.


Image credit: avramgonzales.com, mentalhealthnews.com

Parenting Tips: Thanks Giving #1--- Modeling Gratitude

Happy November!  All kids have things for which to be grateful.  Sometimes they delight us with their enthusiasm. [I still remember the Christmas my four-year-old jumped up and down, gleefully saying, "Just what I ALways wanted!"...after every single present!!]

Gratitude doesn't always come as easily.  This November month I have decided to spend each Thursday Parenting Tip on ways to help children develop and maintain gratitude. Today... providing role models of noticing and expressing gratitude.

Our children need to see us celebrate goodness, appreciate kindnesses, and model those behaviors in front of them. Started early, children can develop the habit of noticing goodness, voicing appreciation, and celebrating good fortune.  As teenagers, it is easy to fall into the "my-life-stinks"-syndrome.  With bullying ever present adolescents can quickly develop an awareness of all the negative around them and almost blind to the positives.  They need our help to stay aware and grateful for the goodness around them. They need to hear us say how much we are warmed and comforted and uplifted by people who say "Thank You," who express appreciation, who show gratitude.

Let's try an experiment.  From now until next Thursday's post, let's everyone who reads this make a conscious effort to surround our children with gratitude in all forms, non-verbal, physical, written, pictures, hugs, smiles, words, everything we can. Gratitude that they see us express, see us experience, that they receive, etc. Every way that we can for one week.  Then next week we'll move them forward a different way. Working our way through the month of Thanksgiving we can try teaching the ACT of thanks-giving and the blessings of thanks giving rather than the history of Thanksgiving. By Thanksgiving Thursday let's see what wonderful changes and new understandings we may help create. Join me?


Image credits: debralschubert.blogspot.com

Quick Takes: New Halloween Traditions

Halloween seems to be getting bigger and bigger every year.  Gone seem to be the days of simple costumes, trick or treats, and UNICEF boxes.  It you are looking for a Halloween tradition to begin or switch to, here are three that have gained popularity lately... some even as community or charity fund raisers.

Costume Sale-  Get together with a group of parents, or friends and hold a Halloween costume sale early or mid-October.  Publicize it to the local elementary schools and parent groups.  Maybe talk to a local theater group about donating some of their costume department's cast offs. Perhaps to gain publicity [and new fans?] their makeup people would come and do an afternoon clinic on Halloween makeup ideas?  Over my parenting years I have gahtered not one but FIVE tubs of costumes and costume ingredients for any number of ages and interest. No longer needing them, they will be going to my local church's October rummage sale to start a "Halloween Room" of goodies.

Trunk or Treat- A new approach to trick or treating, some neighborhoods or communities are creating safe zones by lining the local school or church parking lot with parked cars.  The cars [or even just the trunks and hatchbacks] are decorated to the nines.  Children go from trunk to trunk trick or treating with no busy roads to cross in the dark, no stranger's homes, etc.  And with a parent at each trunk and the cars forming a makeshift "neighborhood block" even the youngest children can enjoy this twist on traditional trick or treating.  Perhaps the older teens in the area can sponsor a cider or doughnut table too? For decorating ideas try googling "trunk or treat" images and be inspired!

Halloween Scarecrows- Hold a scarecrow decorating contest in town. Charge a minimal amount for the two cross stakes and challenge families and businesses or organizations to decorate and post their themed scarecrow out front for two weeks. Have clear rules about gore or violence.Hold a judging and award prizes or certificates in categories. This makes a great addition to a fall festival or Halloween week and offers the chance to move beyond doorbell ringing and candy for those who want.

Note: As you can see our October Quick Takes this year will all focus on Halloween ideas for Food, Costumes, Teens and Families. We will go back to our usual Quick Take offerings in November.

Image credits:  carouseltheatre.wordpress.com, greaterphiladelphiagardens.org, tipjunkiue.com

Focus on Fostering: Leaving Your Children

Next month I will be leaving to go to the National Foster Parent Conference in Mobile AL.  One of the challenges of going out of town [esepcially as a single parent] is the challenge of keeping little [and not so little] ones from feeling abandoned. Even now that my kiddos are older,  their past makes them especially quick to feel abandoned even if they are old enough to know intellectually that it isn't true. They are proud that I am going, the teen in some of them is excited that I will be gone, but that small child abandoned too young, still feels adrift when I leave.  And... there still seems to be emotional payback when I return.  


I try to start way ahead to let them know it is coming.  The dates are on the family calendar and I let it drop into conversations. But it always includes that I will miss them while I am gone and that I am not gone for very long. We plan together for the time I am gone. 

I have two guidelines:
1- Because when I go I am usually very busy [at a conference or doing research] I do not promise to call at a certain time each day or to send them an email everyday.  I sometimes do call or email, but I am very careful not to promise something that might not be possible or realistic. 
2- I plan small things that will come at unexpected times and that are not expensive.

Here are three of the tricks we've use to make the preparation and transition in and out of the time away a bit smoother:

--Photos: I put a framed pictures of me by their beds, sometimes next to a book they have chosen for the sitter to read.

--Notes: I tuck little pictures or notes or both in "hiding" places for them to find while I am gone. [Under their pillow, in a sneaker, inside the freezer on the ice cream container!, in their jacket pocket, etc.]

--Surprises: I make an envelope-a-day for them to open from me. Inside is some small trinket [stickers, pack of gum, wrapped life saver,etc.] Also inside may be a privilege or a task or just a note. 

I don't do all three, but I do something. Something they can look forward to and enjoy while I am away.

What are your favorite tricks?  Share!

Image Credits: theparentzone.com,childrenonthenineties.com

Parenting Tips: Bedtime Comfort Songs

When I was a very young child I remember my grandmother singing Bye Baby Bunting to put me to sleep. Sometimes my grandfather would even rock me to sleep with it. Here are the old words they used:

 Bye baby bunting
 Daddy's gone a hunting
 To find a little rabbit skin
 To wrap his baby bunting in.

By the time I had children the thought of hunting, or wrapping a child in a rabbit skin was NOT appealing to me. But the tune had magical memories [and powers] for me-- so I changed the words for my children. Our family lyrics are:

Bye Baby bunting
Daddy's gone a hunting
To find a blanket soft and warm
To wrap you up all safe from harm.

I sing it's five or six simple notes over and over and over and over... each time inserting a different family member's name in the 2nd line.  [Yes, I even include pets and friends.] As kids get older [even into adolescence] they sometimes ask me to sing it for them as I tuck them in...sometimes saying that tonight we have time for 5 verses or 3 verses or 10 verses, etc.  If it is only a few, I let them choose whose names to use that night. This new version has now worked its magic for another whole generation of grandchildren and assorted munchkins, brining comfort, calm, and almost always peaceful sleep.

My slightly less frightening version of the original Rockabye Baby was "Rock a bye baby in the tree tops, When the wind blows the cradle will rock.  If the bough breaks, the cradle might fall, but Mummy/Nana will catch you, cradle and all."
[Not bad, definitely better than the baby falling "cradle and all" as in the original, but not great.]

But another foster mother named Wendy* rewrote  and gave me permission to share her MUCH better, wonderful affirmative, comforting words:

        Rock a bye baby,
              I love you so
        I'll keep you warm
              when any wind blows
        When the rain falls,
               I'll cover your head
        And softly I'll lay you
                 down in your bed.

I LOVE IT!  
What are your favorite bedtime comfort songs?
Share please!

* Wendy has a wonderful foster parent blog/podcast you should check out at www.fosterpodcast.com

Image credits: wassupdoc.wordpress.com, ilovecamping.blogspot.com, mamalisa,com, flickr.com

Parenting Tips: Valentine's Love Jar

Here is an idea you can start on now to make this coming Valentine's Day a special one for your children, one that will brighten and cheer them all year long.  Valentine's I Love You jar for each child.

1-- Find a jar that you and your child can reach into without getting stuck!  It can be clear or not. It does NOT need to be fancy.... though this time of year you might find some with hearts or add heart stickers if you want to.

2. DO personalize the jar somehow with their name or photo.

3. Take rectangular pieces of paper or cut index cards. You will want at least a dozen. They can be different colors if you want to make it look colorful.

4. On each one write something about your child that you love. Think of good habits [or ways they are working to get good habits], their smile, their laugh, the way they hug you good night, they way they keep going when they are discouraged, the way they talk to you [or just tell you] when they are sad... whatever you want to use. Use words that are at their age level.  If they are pre-readers use pictures and do it rebus style  [I (or eye picture or drawing)  (heart) u (picture of hugging) for example]. Do what works for you but have fun with it and make it fun to them.

4. Fold each "note" in half an put in the jar. Put on the lid. Give it to them on Valentine's Day.

This Love Jar can become a treasured keepsake. Encourage them to keep it out in their room to reach in and take a "love-you vitamin" each day to start their day well. You can add new cards whenever you feel like it. As they get older you may need a bigger jar, but don't throw away the notes from when they were little.  They will enjoy remembering that early love!

 P.S.  This is good for people older than children too!

E N J O Y ! ! !

Image credit: onlinelabels.com

Focus on Fostering: You ARE loved!

As the store shelves overflow with all things valentine it is easy for children in foster care to feel a bit unloved.  Separated from their biological parents, or with bio-parents who were unable to care for them, they may need some extra support and reassurance.  One thing I have done is to find concrete ways several times a year to remind my kiddos just how many people care about them. Valentine's season is one of those times.

It started with just a small box that I decorated with hearts. I started with a small box because I wanted it to seem full when I was through. [Since then I have bought some nice heart shaped boxes in the post-valentine 75% off aisle.] The first year I also included red tissue paper to fill the extra space.

Next I bought a bunch of foam shaped hearts in one of those bulk containers at a craft store [$3.99 for 200 shapes!] For the boys I bought ones with smiley faces.  For the girls some with different patterns on them.

What mattered was that each had a plain side that could be written on.  Cardboard or paper hearts would do just as well.  Wooden ones work too, but they are more expensive.

On the plain side of each heart I wrote one name. A teacher, a friend, a pastor, a relative, a classmate. I made a heart for each person who during the last year had shown kindness and love to the child.

Now the boxes have been replaced by bigger boxes.  I no longer have to explain the hearts as I did the first year. People who have attended my workshops have begun "Love Boxes" in their own homes.  Children cherish their boxes and sometimes participate in labeling the hearts inside. Some families make it part of their Valentine's Day traditions.  Some families keep the boxes out all year long. None of that really matters.  What matters is that those children see that regardless of how tough their  beginnings, there are many people who care about them, many who love them, and that over the years their lives have been blessed by each of those people.

Image credits: brandine.com, ikickshins.net, reallygoodstuff.com, dadcando.com

Quick Takes: Quirky Birthday Tradition

My grandson's birthday is in two days and he is already looking forward to a favorite family tradition. Cake and ice cream? No. Friends for a party? No. His favorite tradition is birthday bedtime. When I had little money and many children I had to get creative with treats. One of my most successful ideas was that one your birthday you have NO mandatory bedtime. That's right. None. You can stay up as late as you choose. The rule doesn't change even if it is a school night!** Radical? Yes. But sometimes what makes something special is how radically unusual it is.

Has anyone ever stayed up all night? Not yet. I've had many children do this for many years and no one has made it terribly late. The following is based only on my children over the last few decades:  Most preschoolers don't make it past eight.  Most children elementary age don't make it past 9 before their eyes give up and close. Middle-schoolers occasionally make it to 11. My high schoolers sometimes made it until midnight or a bit later, but usually got bored and went to bed or fell asleep in front of the television despite their best efforts. 

**I do warn teachers ahead of time, reminding them that one night out of a whole school year is not going to make or break the child's education.

Quick Takes: Two Simple New Year's Day Traditions

New Year's Day is a far less complicated time than the December holidays, so maybe this is a better day for traditions.  Here are two fairly simple ones to try with your families.

1- For any age children/adults:
        Take a photo of the kids or adults holding a sign with the new year date.  These can be collected over the years in a notebook, on a wall, or even to put in a computer slideshow for age progression...or hairline regression :-)   If you want to get fancy take another of each individual with the date and a symbol or item of something significant about that year.

2. For school age children and adults:
         Make a twist on the idea of NewYear's Resolutions... Have each person make predictions not just goals for the next year.  Write them down on paper. Sign and date them.  Seal them in an envelope, one for each person. Write the name and year on each envelope.  Put them in a special, safe place in the house [maybe the top shelf of the hall closet or the linen closet?]. Save them to open the next New Year's Eve and then laugh or cheer.  [Shhhhhh...Below is a hopeful picture I put in my envelope... I can always hope!]

[For older teens or grownups, add a copy of a tabloid newspapers' predictions for the year and see how your accuracy compares with the psychics come next New Year's Eve.]

Happy New Year ! !

Image credits: eurobankefg-fmc.lu, vacationcounts.com