Parenting Tips: A Prayer for Children

After talking in Soapbox this week about Dr Patch Adams' challenge in support of children I remembered this prayer by Mariah Wright Edelman.  It's not my usual style of post on a Parenting Tip Thursday... but it speaks volumes about raising children.  Edelman founded the Children's Defense Fund in 1973 and has been a supporter of children and children's rights ever since. 


I commend to all of you four of her writings in particular:
--The Measure of Our Success: A Letter to My Children and Yours (1992)
--Guide My Feet: Meditations and Prayers on Loving and Working for Children (1995)
--I'm Your Child, God: Prayers for Children and Teenagers.
--I Can Make a Difference: A Treasury to Inspire Our Children,

Here is a small sample of her wonderful writing and thinking...

A Prayer for Our Children
             By Marian Wright Edelman

We pray for children
Who sneak popsicles before supper,
Who erase holes in math workbooks,
Who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those
Who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
Who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
Who never "counted potatoes,"
Who are born in places we wouldn't be caught dead,
Who never go to the circus,
Who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children
Who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we pray for those
Who never get dessert,
Who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
Who watch their parents watch them die,
Who can't find any bread to steal,
Who don't have any rooms to clean up,
Whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
Whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
Who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
Who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
Who like ghost stories,
Who shove dirty clothes under the bed and never rinse out the tub,
Who get visits from the tooth fairy,
Who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
Who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
Whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything,
Who have never seen a dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children who want to be carried and for those who must,
For those we never give up on and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother ... and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

Merry Christmas

Holidays 101: #8.. Remembrance

Today would normally be soapbox day so here is some different food for holiday thought. The holidays are  a time when we particularly miss people.  People from whom we are geographically separated.  People from whom we are emotionally estranged. Particularly people who have died and who we miss.

This holiday season remember and share stories of those you have loved and lost.  Keep their memories alive by your sharing. By sharing the stories, the memories, the pieces we hold onto, we keep their light burning.  It may seem as "holiday" as ringing holiday bells or caroling voices, but  this is a time to share, to remember, to celebrate and embrace the memories.  The warmth and light will warm our hearts just as surely as the people we miss did.

A year ago I learned of the death of a very special former student, Taylor Emmons.  I broke my habit and wrote a personal  post about Taylor. I did it because I was moved to by the flood of emotions and loss.  To my amazement it remains one of the most frequently visited blog posts of the almost 600 posts since I began.  It consistently is in the top 10.  I just saw that they have established a scholarship fund in Taylor's name at a school he attended in Florida after leaving Maine.  I wish there were some way Taylor's family could know how all those people who have read that post were also moved by hearing about Taylor's life, or more accurately by the way he lived his life.

Reach out to those you may know who have experienced loss.  Listen to their sharing, their stories. Stories of holidays together, of ordinary times together.  Families and friends often gather during the holiday season.  Maybe take some time this holiday season to share the stories of those you have loved and miss, of those who your loved ones still miss. Take time from the holiday bustle to pause, to remember, to share.

Anything Can Happen: Thanksgiving Trees!

Great minds think alike.... either that or the TODAY show has been reading my blog!  I was excited to see a suggestion this week from their decorating correspondent that was like my last year's post describing our Thanksgiving Tree.  Their expert used colored paper cut outs of fall leaves and tied then to an arrangement of small bare branches in a vase for a table centerpiece, but it was the same idea.  So I decided to repeat my post from last year. Is YOUR Thanksgiving Tree up yet?  It's not too late!!

Here is my original post:

Tis the season of Thanksgiving. Christmas has a Christmas tree.  But not everyone celebrates Christmas.  Almost everyone can celebrate the act of being thankful. Some can celebrate a bountiful feast as pictured below. Some are thankful for the very ordinary as so often shown by people with very little. Gratitude is a trait that is crucial to resilience and is so important to teach our children. So... how about a Thanksgiving tree? Based on the idea of a kindness tree I saw once I am trying a Thanksgiving tree this year. IT is a work in progress and I am asking the children [AND guests or visitors] to add to it each day.  I started by cut up index cards,  hole punching them and tying ribbon through for ties.  I gave each child 5 card tags to start with and piled markers, crayons, and old magazines on the table in front of them. Each child was to write down, draw, or cut and paste something they are thankful for this year.  Big things, little things. People, events, anything that has brought them joy.  When everyone was done we went outside and tied them to the branches of a tree. [Ours is actually a bush!]  Send me photos of yours?  [Nov 19, 2010]

Image credit: revolvingdoorcommune.wordpress.com

Soapbox: My Golden Rule

All this month I have been doing family rules each parenting tip day [Thursdays]. I've done rules for going out, rules about tattling, about privacy, but what about the over-all theme of your home?  Does it address honesty? respect? what? What is the base line for your home?

From when I was a small child I was taught the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  I got that it meant to treat others nicely because you want to be treated nicely. I got that. But when I became a foster parent I sadly learned that there is a step before nice, before love, before anything. A step that most children take for granted and are given automatically, but that others can barely dream of having..... safety.

From my early days of foster parenting I developed my own golden rule that focused on what my baseline was.  My rule was two words.... Safe and Loved.  Everyone in thehouse was to be safe and loved. [I figured that in a way those two words encompassed everything else.  It doesn't directly ention honesty... but....You don't lie to someone you love, you want someone you love to be proud of you, so you hold yourself to a high moral standard in actions and words. etc. etc. Sneaky, but those two words kind of cover a whoooole lot.

Since then I have expanded it a bit because I found that there is something beyond safety, beyond love. I saw that many of the foster children I know seem stuck, even when safe, even when loved. Stuck in their past, stuck in their view of themselves, stuck in their visioning and ability to see a positive future.
Their eyes often lack the sparkle so common in the eyes of their peers. Instead a sadness, an tiredness, even a remaining fearfulness, is often seen.  Everyone deserves to know what it is like to be excited, eager, ...happy. So I added a piece. My parenting goal became: Every child deserves to be safe, to be loved, and to know joy. As a family we wanted that to apply not just to the children in the house, but to the adults, to the pets, and to our guests.

So, our family golden goal is:
   
May everyone who enters this home feel safe, feel loved and experience joy.

I'm sure it will continue to change and shift. What about your family.  What is your personal family golden rule?  Share?

Image credits: presentationadvisors.com

Caring Heart: Faith

Faith    [from the "Celebrations" section]

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for sticking with him.  Thank you for tickling away at his heart until it opened.  It was so gradual I didn't even realize it had happened.  He didn't seem any different.  But today I was talking with him about people who are lonely. He listened so somberly.  Then when I asked if he knew anybody who was lonely, he really got into the discussion.  He talked about the homeless people.  He talked about the couple whose son died.  He talked about the old woman down the street we see walking alone each day.  Then I asked him if he was ever lonely.  He said "Sort of, sometimes.  But not really lonely." When I asked him what he meant, he looked at me as if I should already know.  "I can't be really lonely.  Even when I think I'm alone, I'm not alone.  God is always there with me."  Out of the mouths and hearts of babes.  Thank you Lord.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker      Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

A Melancholy Day and Foster Care

Ten years ago today my mother died.  I try to celebrate her birthday [which is in three days] rather than the anniversary of her death, but I can't seem to escape a moody melancholy as September creeps toward Sept 24 each year. Maybe if she had died three days AFTER her birthday it would be easier to keep the focus on the positive day.  Tonight I will go to a church meeting, not because I want to... I would rather not.  I would rather reread my mother's letters or go to her favorite restaurant, or something. But my mother was no stranger to church meetings that fell on days she wanted to do something else, so in a strange way it is fitting. Who knows.  I think about her and all that she gave me, taught me, showed me. I sometimes try not to think about her.  I try little tricks to distracts myself.  I try little acts to celebrate her.  I mourn her. 

I had a wonderful mother.  She had some habits for which she was teased, some of which she has handed down to me.  She had some habits which I admire and strive for, some of which I almost manage.  It makes me feel guilty sometimes that I have such good memories of my mother and father and yet as a foster parent I know how many children in this world do NOT have that wonderful bank of memories. I suppose some psychiatrist would guess that some of my push to caregive is connected, but I of course would say phooey.  Nonetheless, what are we to do [as a society] about all of these children.  These children who are growing up without a good role model of what a mother should be, or a father should be.  These children who mourn for a family they do not have, never did have, and yet want so desperately.  These children grow up... some of them.  Many of them grow up unsuccessfully.  The statistics about children who are homeless who have had contact with foster care are frightful.  The statistics about the percentage of incarcerated prisoners who were once in foster care is even more terrifying.  

Foster care is not as simple as having space to share in your home or even in your heart.  It is hard.  It does not come with guarantees of a good outcome.  But all around us there are children who have been robbed of a childhood, of a loving and caring family, who don't have a clue about unconditional love.  It is too big a problem for me to even wrap my head around.  Today I feel the loss of my mother in every cell of my body.  And yet, I celebrate that loss.  For I had something wonderful to lose.  And I weep for all of those children around my state and my country and my world who will not be gripped in sadness as a date approaches.  I weep because they never had much to lose, never received enough from their mother or father to miss.  You should miss your parents.    I am blessed because I do. 

The Heat Is On

Yesterday hit 90 degrees. Now for any readers in the South I'm sure that is a walk in the park.  But here in Maine it is rare...and obnoxious because our buildings etc are not built for it.  And in MAY???? ...We had a frost warning three nights ago for crying out loud!  

So there we were, sweating and grumbling, unprepared for the heat.  My hall closet still has winter coats and boots and mittens not packed away. [Yes, even in Maine we do actually pack them away for a bit!] So with the kids home from school yesterday because of a teacher workshop day, I was confronted by red, sweaty faces, with one unhappy voice after another building a crescendo that would rival a symphony orchestra....... "I don't have any shorts!  Can we go buy me a bathing suit?  Have you seen my tank top?  Where are my basketball mesh shorts? I can't find my flip-flops!  Can we go swimming?  I'm gonna die in these jeans if you don't find my shorts!" etc. etc. etc. I thought my head was going to explode!

Where is everything?  In the attic crawl space of course... where it is at least 20 stifling degrees hotter than the rest of the house and no air moves!  So ... that hints at what my yesterday was like. Now it is a new day and with the temperature down to a more seasonable 65 degrees I am reflecting on how often in life we [alright...I]  fail to prepare far enough ahead. I/We pack things farther away than makes sense.  I/We don't always keep what we need handy.  Yes we usually have the things we need, but they may be buried beneath other things we think we need more or will need sooner.  It reminds me of an essay I once wrote about faith and summer fans.  For many people faith is assumed but not guarded, nor tended. Put aside like a summer fan once the heat has passed.  Packed away for "when it's needed."  When a crisis hits, they go hunting for it, to ease the heat of the moment, with its calming breezes. Unfortunately if they haven't used it in ages, it may be out of reach in the attic, or the cord may be broken, or the fan blades rusted, the switch bent, or some similar state of disrepair. 

I did find the shorts, the flip-flops, the tank top and the mesh shorts [though some no longer fit]. But I felt like I went through the firey reaches to find them. Yesterday would have been much simpler, much more peaceful, and far more pleasant if the summer clothes were kept somewhere easily accessible when needed.  If I hadn't had to struggle up the fold-down stairs in the mid-day heat to move things aside to locate the summer box.  if  If IF. Just as you can cool yourself with all kinds of fans, spirituality and faith come in a wide variety as well. But whatever your style or brand of refreshment and renewal.. keep your fan of choice ready. Yesterday was a good reminder for me to make sure that my emotional cooling fans, my fans of faith, are in good repair and right at hand.  Sometimes the heat in life comes at unexpected times and you never know how long it may last.  

150 years

Today my church will celebrate its 150th anniversary.  We have been celebrating it since October of last year. Today is the close of the celebration activities.  As chair of the committee I will be glad to have it done, but am pleased to have accomplished what we have. Just one more day to go and I can take one of my spinning plates off the pole. [see April 15th entry]  Woo hooo!!!!

 Assuming that everything goes well, by evening we will have had a culminating worship service and a luncheon afterwards.  Past pastors will have spoken, old friends returned, a newly commissioned anthem will be sung, and, and, and, and, ...... .   For the last eight months I have been steeped in the transitions and evolving lifestyles of the last 150 years.  It has been fascinating to read the old church records to see the things that concerned early parishioners in the 1850s and all the years since.  Even as we chose hymns for Christmas and Easter and the other Sundays, we have been very aware of how many were written since this church congreagation began.  Things, hymns, traditions, etc that seem to have "always been" that are in fact much newer that it seems.  So much has changed about our lifestyles, our work habits, our schooling, our parenting, in the decades since 1859.  In some ways everything has changed.

And yet, the deeper we looked the more similarities we found.  The more we read and explored, the more the common threads became visible.  The key dreams, the ongoing principles of faith, the dedication and effort, the commitment, the love, the sense of community, the very faith itself,  ..... so much has stayed the same. In some of the most important ways, nothing has changed.  I find myself thinking about whoever will chair the events in 50 years when they look back on the history we have assembled just as we looked back at the materials from the 100th anniversary.  What will have changed?  What will remain.  And how does what each of us do, individually and collectively, affect that future?

I may or may not take a few days off to crash after today. If so, go back and check out some of the early posts, before you joined in.... I'll be back.