Focus on Fostering: Share this Book!

I recently was part of a conversation about the book:
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

This book generally gets [and deserves] good reviews and I know many adoptive parents who have found the book helpful. However, in this conversation it came out that some parents find it discouraging.  The book is full of the fears and concerns experienced by adopted children and in the process includes many ways that parents unintentionally may make things more difficult or send unintended messages. One person I talked to said it almost dsicouraged them from choosing to adopt a child they had been considering, for fear they would not be able to make the child happy. NOT what the author intended!

Sadly, far less well known is Sherrie Eldridge's wonderful second book:

20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed..Discover the Unique Need of Your Adopted Child and Beocme the Best Parent You Can 

THIS book is far more PROactive than reactive. In it Eldridge focuses on the parents and provides lots of practical ideas for success.  This book is far more encouraging AND far more useful. 

While it focuses on adoptive children, I recommend it to foster parents and kinship parents as well.  ANYone who is attempting to raise children not born to them can learn specific ideas to help their challenges in this second book. 

So, readers.....

Spread the word. Get a copy.  Give it to a friend who is adopting. Give one to your local library or association.  Give it to a social worker or your child welfare department. Write the author with your feedback.  Best of all... write the publisher!! As a published writer myself I know how hard it is to get publishers interested in a book proposal, especially one that is targeted to a minority market. THANK the publisher for recognizing this segment of the parenting market. Thank them for the positive rather than exploitive nature of this book. Ask them for more books for this market!

And if you know someone who is considering this special kind of parenting......

Reach out....Share your successes. Share your expertise.  Share your stories!

Image credits and thanks to: lsmnj.org,

Focus on Fostering: Welcoming New Children--pt 2

Two weeks ago [February 21] I explained the basics of making a Welcome Book for new children in your home.  They won't work for toddlers, but can work well for children from pre-school up, adjusted for age. 
Today a few more possibilities for welcoming:  

For young kids:  
Make an emergency card with their name, your name, address, contact phone number etc. for them to keep in their pocket in case they get lost or confused. [Once they have learned it, they will no longer need it.]

Make a simple, coded map of the neighborhood.  
--Star houses that have children the same/near age.  
--Mark any house that is a safe place to go if they get home and you are held up someplace and not home yet. 
--If you have really great neighbors get a photo of the family that is the "safe house" and put it in their album or on the map!

Make and keep a "friends" photo album:

--Take an inexpensive small photo album [often available at dollar stores] and label it New Friends or People I've Met or just a bunch of smiley face stickers on the front. 

--When you have a neighborhood playmate over to meet them, take a quick picture and add it to the album.

--Give them a disposable camera to take to school and take pictures of new friends, teachers, etc. to add to their album. 

Take, frame and mount and a family "Welcome" photo:

--Take a picture of the family holding a big "Welcome to the Smiths" sign/s.

   Be sure everybody has big smiles, maybe waving, looking natural and informal.

   [If you have pets, include them.]

--Get a large print of it, frame it and put it in the wall, maybe over their bed.

--If you know ahead, include their name.

Image credits and thanks: leaguewriters.blogspot.com,firstcongmadison.org , jhcabo.blogspot.com

Focus on Fostering: Welcoming New Children-- pt 1

When new children arrive in your home, ithey come full of loss and often trauma.  Helping them feel safe and comfortable in your home, especially school age children, requires extra work. [And if you have friends who are adopting a new child share this tip with them too!]

Try this way to welcome and reassure a new child. Prepare a Welcome Book about your home, family, and community.  

When your new placement arrives have the Welcome Book waiting on their bed or 

beside their bed.  Use a three-ring binder and include some of the following items:

--Pictures of family members with their names printed clearly.--Photo and description of the elementary, middle, and high school your foster kids would  attend. Include pics of playground and/or sports fields.

--Pages with pictures of some of the fun places to go in your area.... bowling alleys, roller rinks, parks, playgrounds, beaches, movie theaters... anyplace fun you may take the kids

--Simple map of the immediate neighborhood labeling your and nearest neighbor houses with your address and phone#,  plus the closest neighbors' names, phone #s --Picture of the church you attend [maybe including the pastor, priest, rabbi]

--Pictures of  frequent visitor friends, neighbors [with names printed]

--Page with channel numbers for local television stations, including common kids channels

Note: The three ring binder lets you choose which pages to include in your Welcome Book depending on the child who is arriving.  [age, gender, interests, concerns, etc.]This is especially helpful and important for those of you out there who take temporary foster care kids, short term, or emergency placements.

Two weeks from today I will post part two with more welcoming tricks and tips ! 


image credits and thanks: bookwormangels.org,leaguewriters.blogspot.com 

Focus on Fostering: Divided Loyalties revisited

Children in foster care miss their parents.  Adoptees may miss their birth parents. Whether children being raised by others miss the parents they had or the parents they wish they had, they miss their parents.  Even when a parent has abused or neglected or traumatized their child, that child will still miss them when separated.  They are still their parents. As hard as it is for new foster parents to understand, all children want to be loved by their birth parents.  Yes, their birth parent may have abandoned them, have given them up for adoption, or even have been taken away for their own safety.  But they still want to be loved by them. 

This desire is almost like a primal drive, a primitive need, that all children have. When you stop and think about it, how wonderful it is that the drive to love and be loved can survive so much.  But as foster or adoptive parents, we must remember that these children still want birth parents to love and have loved them. 

Imagine how this interferes with attachment and bonding for adoptive children, long term foster children, or even temporary placements!  The more they begin to connect and attach to a new set of parents, the more they may feel torn. They may feel guilty for loving or attaching to new caregivers, thinking it is disloyal to their birth parents. This may result in anger, resentment, detachment, and more.  If there is still an ongoing connection with the birth parents it is more in your face perhaps, but don't think that if there is not an ongoing connection that the feelings aren't still there.  Even children who were adopted basically at birth often experience some of these feelings when they become aware of birth parents somewhere "out there." 

Remember... No matter how much you love you give your foster or adoptive child, no matter how attached you become, no matter how much they love you or attach to you, you cannot expect to erase the place in their heart or mind that still wants to be loved or have been loved by their birth parents.  

The good news... Just as any parent of more than one child will tell you, love is expandable. Just because you love your first child, doesn't mean you love your second child less.  Each child is loved for his or herself. There is no more or less, just different.  Why should it not be true for caregivers and parents as well?  Your adoptive child may always have a part that wishes and wonders what it would have been like if the birth parents had kept him/her and may hold a fantasy of it. But that does not have to take away an iota of the love they hold for the people who did raise them, did care for them, did hold a long term place in their heart. True, it will be reality based, rather than fantasy. They will remember the arguments in adolescence, the toy you didn't buy them as a child, etc.  Few fantasies include such details. But the love and connection between you is also more real and [even when they may fight it] will be remembered. You worked to keep that heart intact. 

Image credits: illustrationsource.com, webheights.net

Soapbox Derby: America's Shame

Ok.. So today is soapbox day.. opinions and guests.  No guest today, but opinions for sure.

Today I ask you to share your opinions about what I consider America's shame.  Not the only one, but the one that I live with the effects of every day. First a story: Years ago there were a large number of Korean orphans available for adoption.  Not now.  Now it is very difficult.  Do you know why?  Because the South Korean people decided that it was a matter of national pride.  They decided that letting people from other countries step in and adopt Korean children sent a message to the world that South Korea was not able or willing to take care of its own children. They weren't proud of that message and so they decided they would take care of their own.

I know American children are not being adopted by out-of-country families... at least not yet.  But, neither is America doing a very good job of taking care of its own children.  There are currently over 510,000 American children in foster care. Yes, more than half a million!  Check out these statistics from www.fosterclub.com

If nothing changes.... by the year 2020
--22,500 children will die of abuse or neglect, most before their 5th birthday
--more than 10.5 million children will spend some time in foster care
--more than 300,000 children will age out of foster care, some in poor health and many unprepared for further education or entering the job market
--75,000 former foster youth who have aged out will experience homelessness.

Is this how America values its children? These children need a ground swell of outrage and support.  How can we start?
I know many of those who visit my site are already former or current foster parents, but not all.  Ideas anyone?  Chime in!!

photo credit: http://emilytheperson.com/2010/09/day-6-a-moment-you.html

Almost a real book

Woo hoo! The proof copy of my newest book arrived via FedEx this morning. Easy proofing this time around, because the pages were provided to them camera ready so pretty much all I have to check is the cover [which I adore], so I just need to make sure it looked the way it should and then get it sent back approved.

This book has been a special project for me because it is the first I have written specifically for foster, adoptive and kinship parents. It certainly is not limited to them, but has grown out of my experiences and those of other adoptive, kinship, and foster parents I know. Titled The Caring Heart Speaks, it is a collection of almost 200 meditations on the milestones, hurdles, and celebrations of that parenting journey. From the first day a new child arrives in your home, through the many ups and downs, and beyond when they leave your care and influence, I have tried to put into words the whoops, whines, giggles, sobs, and cheers of our hearts and minds.

Hopefully the final books will be shipped and in my hands before the end of the month and I can start sharing it with those who are interested. If any of you know of an individual or especially an organization that might be interested in info, or reviewing it, etc. please let me know. Stay tuned for a pic of the cover and more updates as publication date gets closer! Cross your fingers for me..

Divided Loyalties

Children in foster care miss their parents.  Adoptees may miss their birth parents. Whether children being raised by others miss the parents they had or the parents they wish they had, they miss their parents.  Even when a parent has abused or neglected or traumatized their child, that child will still miss them when separated.  They are still their parents. As hard as it is for new foster parents to understand, all children want to be loved by their birth parents.  Yes, their birth parent may have abandoned them, have given them up for adoption, or even have been taken away for their own safety.  But they still want to be loved by them. 

This desire is almost like a primal drive, a primitive need, that all children have. When you stop and think about it, how wonderful it is that the drive to love and be loved can survive so much.  But as foster or adoptive parents, we must remember that these children still want birth parents to love and have loved them. 

Imagine how this interferes with attachment and bonding for adoptive children, long term foster children, or even temporary placements!  The more they begin to connect and attach to a new set of parents, the more they may feel torn. They may feel guilty for loving or attaching to new caregivers, thinking it is disloyal to their birth parents. This may result in anger, resentment, detachment, and more.  If there is still an ongoing connection with the birth parents it is more in your face perhaps, but don't think that if there is not an ongoing connection that the feelings aren't still there.  Even children who were adopted basically at birth often experience some of these feelings when they become aware of birth parents somewhere "out there." 

Remember... No matter how much you love you give your foster or adoptive child, no matter how attached you become, no matter how much they love you or attach to you, you cannot expect to erase the place in their heart or mind that still wants to be loved or have been loved by their birth parents.  

The good news... Just as any parent of more than one child will tell you, love is expandable. Just because you love your first child, doesn't mean you love your second child less.  Each child is loved for his or herself. There is no more or less, just different.  Why should it not be true for caregivers and parents as well?  Your adoptive child may always have a part that wishes and wonders what it would have been like if the birth parents had kept him/her and may hold a fantasy of it. But that does not have to take away an iota of the love they hold for the people who did raise them, did care for them, did hold a long term place in their heart. True, it will be reality based, rather than fantasy. They will remember the arguments in adolescence, the toy you didn't buy them as a child, etc.  Few fantasies include such details. But the love and connection between you is also more real and [even when they may fight it] will be remembered.