Parenting Tips: Final Calm Spot Hints

I've posted about recommended creating a Calm Spot instead of Naughty Chair [March 22]

I've posted about  how to use a Calm Spot  [March 29]

Last Thursday was ideas of what to put in a Calm Spot to help your child regain calm. [April12]

Today some final thoughts 

Remember that the goal is to help your child understand, recognize, and manage their feelings in a way that helps your household maintain a more calm, less streessful, less emotional atmosphere.

Two Key Points: 

1- The child should help pick the Calm Spot and the items for the Calm Box. 

This is part of teaching the child to recognize their own style, what helps, etc. It also teaches the assumption that there are things that DO help. 

2- Do this when all is well with the child.  

That's when you explain that when s/he needs to calm down s/he can go to his spot and use the box until s/he feels calm or until thinks /she can come back and be ok. 

Three ways they might go to their Calm Spot:  

1.They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  

2. You might suggest the calm spot if something you see makes you think they need it. 

3. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.  

 [Some families make these into rules and post them for older kiddos.]

Miscellaneous extra ideas:

1- Consider having your older kids serch online for images or photos that are calming. Print them and make a calming notebook of those images, or post them in their calm spot.

2-Research calming techniques online for them OR for you. There are apps that help with relaxation [ex: breathe2relax] and online relaxation sites [ex: www.calm.com].

Go for it!     and     Good Luck!  

I hope this series has helped.

Image credit and thanks to: chir.ag,

Focus on Fostering: Grandparent Parents

Today's post is directed at those who are foster parenting or adoptive parenting children the age of their grandchildren.  Parent down a skipped generation is full of challenges.  I know because I am doing it.  I often laugh when I see news stories about women in their 50s who are excited to be pregnant and extol the virtues of older parenting.  I agree that their are some plusses to parenting at an age when most are grandparenting. BUT, I sometimes want to phone those women and say w-a-i-t ! ! 
 Take a moment to imagine . . .

...why menopause is not intended to coexist with pre-teen or teen angst.

... why school open houses and parent conferences do not hold the same appeal in your 60s as in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s.

... what you will encounter when you try to make friends with the parents of the school friends of your child... parents who are 20-30 years younger than you, often with verrry different values than you.

Despite all of that and far more, I recognize that the decision to parent grandchildren is often a non-decision. It so often is a choice between two difficult options, each with predictable prices to be paid financially, emotionally, and practically.

My best advice?.... recognize and learn to accept that you cannot parent the same way you did or would have in your 20s and 30s.  You will be more tired.  Your body will be less flexible.  Your relationship with your children and other grandchildren will be affected. Your energy will have smaller reserves.  Your emotions may be less resilient.  Accept all this.  Plan for it.

Take naps when you can.
Don't beat yourself up emotionally for needing extra time or space to regroup.
Build in recovery time after energy-sapping plans.
Cut yourself some slack.... maybe even a lot of slack.

And.......Celebrate when the wisdom of your years/experience make something easier or smoother or more effective!

Image credit and thanks to:  ucanr.org, lagrg.org, centralcoastseniors.org

School Bell: Celebrating School!

I don't know about your kids, but the last thing my kiddos want to do during vacations is school work.  So what do you do to use your spring vacation most effectively? Whether they are doing well in school so far or they are struggling, try this idea to inspire them to a good finish to the school year"

       Name and celebrate their successes, efforts, and hard work!  

Every single night of vacation as the family gathers around the table find a way to celebrate and name what they have done or are doing that contributes to school success.  They will not only see that you notice what they are doing, they will hear exactly what it is that you are honoring and valuing. Best of all they will be receiving positive attention for the good, rather than more typical disappointment or frustration with their challenges. Ideas:

--Celebrate a memory of the school year that demonstrates their efforts and their progress. Make up little trophies [or get from novelty store], or a certificate etc. to make the honor concrete.

--Share an assignment that they worked hard on and talk about how proud you were to see their effort.  If you remember what strategies they used, talk about them. [Ex: flashcards, drill, doing a bit at a time, etc.]

--Decorate a big mirror or door or fridge front with an array of positive papers and comments from the school year.

If your child is really struggling.... if none of the above seem feasible, try one or more of these:

--Buy a medal or blue ribbon from a party/novelty store [or make one!] and award it during dinner one night to celebrate a risk your child made or something new they tried, focusing on the courage it took to try regardless of the level of success.

--Celebrate the fact that your child is_______ [getting to school on time each morning, being polite in class, participating in chorus/band/sports/whatever, telling you the truth about how school is going, coming to you for help on homework or prepping for tests, etc.]  As long as your child is still in school they have not given up completely and you CAN find something to honor!

--Think about what previous struggles have been conquered. Bring them up and point out how easy they are now, celebrate! Ex: Talk about how long it took to learn to [tie shoes, or name colors, tell time, or write their name, etc.]  yet how simple the task is now. Compare that to things that you once struggled with, but keep the emphasis on what they have already worked through and conquered.

Image credits and thanks to: wbrz.com, medrounds.org, open.salon.com

Parenting Tips: New Years Resolutions

In January it seems everyone is focused on New Year resolutions.  The good part of this is that people are trying to improve themselves which gives us a chance to talk to our kids about improving pieces of their lives or their habits.  We also have the chance to model it for them with our own resolutions to improve.  The not so good part is that people can easily fall off the resolution wagon and give up. 

We must teach them how to succeed at changing, not just model how to try and then give up! I am no expert on resolutions or resolution-keeping, but I have found some tricks that have helped me be better at both.  Try these five steps with your kids.

1. Focus on the change. The most important thing is that you/they are trying to do better, to change. Talk about the many opportunities we have for new beginnings.  A new year.  A birthday year older. A new school year.  A new job.  A new month.  A new week. Even a new day is a fresh beginning. Use all of them if need be.

2. Keep resolutions focused on the process not the result.  For example: #2 above is better than #1.  The resolution should be the action that will lead to the goal. This makes success possible in smaller chunks.  If your goal is to be healthier or in better shape [weight, strength, or otherwise] than a list of actions that will help you is a better, more achievable goal than "losing weigh" for example. Just like with eating, the smaller the child, the tougher the food, the smaller the bite! 

3. Think of the changes as specific steps in a plan.  Look at one week at a time.  A year is far too long a chunk for kids.  For younger kids, keep resolutions to day activities. "I will tell mom two things about school each day." or "I will set my alarm clock every night." Not "I will talk to mom more" or "I will get up better." Remember... small bites.

4. Build in flexibility. Remember that the goal is improvement, not perfection.  Build in margins. Do not expect complete or instant change.  Use those small bites to build your skills and your successes. 

How does this work?
Example: I need to relax a bit more to reduce my stress.  Since most of the stresses in my life are outside my control my plan for reducing stress is to build small chunks of down time into my days. My resolution?  "Build in time to relax and unwind." My whiteboard's daily checklist now includes two 15-minute chunks for crafting, two for reading, two for "wasting time" [being still].  My goal is to do at least two of those 15-minute chunks per day.  One day they both might be reading, another day they might be crafting, or 15 min crafting and 15 min just chilling. This makes my chances of building in relaxation far more likely to succeed. Since I have never been good at this I consider succeeding even once a week progress.  When I have managed it once a week, I will try for twice a week, then three times, then four times, etc. using a new week/month as the new beginning for an uptick. See how it works?  If I had a resolution to do 30 minutes a day of crafting, reading, or down time and expected to achieve that every day starting Jan 1st I would probably fail before the end of the first week.  But by using the system above, I feel successful all along, and can at least be confident that I AM building in time to relax and unwind. 

Good luck!

P.S.  Sorry I'm late posting today.   Image credit: motivates4life.com