Caring Heart: Best Part of My Day

For us, it was this tradition. You will have your own traditions.  But there will be something that is special for you that leads to a celebration like this.

Best Part of My Day

She said it first today.  Day after day as I walked with her I would take her small hand in mine.  Day after day I would hold her hand as we walked and tell her, "This is the best part of my day."  Sometimes she would just ignore it.  Some days she would pull her hand away and say, "Not mine!" Then last week she slipped her hand into mine before I took hers. Trying to be casual while jumping for joy inside, I just continued our pattern.  Then today she said it.  Careful to keep looking ahead, not at me, she said it.  "Best part of my day."  Then that shy smile, watching me out of the corner of her eyes.  Thank you Lord! A good beginning indeed.  The best part of my day.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: A shoebox and a paper bag

This is the last Sunday of Foster Care Awareness Month so I share this meditation from the first time I welcomed a foster child into my home so many years ago.

A Shoebox and a Paper Bag

The worker brought her things today.  A shoe box and a small paper bag. That's it. How can a child have so little to represent her life so far?  So little to show for six and a half years of days and events?  Does she realize how pathetically small her pile of things is? Thank goodness she has no idea how yet this will follow her through life. No photos of her as a newborn, or in a playpen, toddling toward a camera, grinning over a birthday cake, first day of school.  No baby book marking developmental milestones.  Did she walk early? Talk late? Was she premature or overdue?  Did she thrive or struggle? Sleep well or up nights with croup or colic?  Healthy? Recurring colds or ear infections?  No health records of labor and delivery, childhood chickenpox, measles, or even immunizations.  She is still in emotional survival mode and has no idea how large this hole in her life gapes.  Help me recreate as much of her past as I can.  Help me find what records there are.  Guide me to create a narrative that will fill in the blanks as much as is possible for her.  Help me fill her heart and her life with memories and markers, but most of all, Lord, help me to fill this small, broken heart with love. Love so abundant that it can sometime overflow and fill in all those empty spaces. Your love and my love.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Heartbreak of a Serious Crime

I hope none of you ever need this meditation. But, if you or someone you know does, I hope it will help. It was not designed for last week's situation [see my Tuesday May 15 blog]. I wrote it when I found it so difficult to find the words to console a friend whose  foster/adoptive child had committed a terrible murderous attack.

When they commit a severe crime...

Oh merciful God, I cannot believe he did this.  I cannot wrap my head around it, much less my heart. I feel so broken inside. This child-man that I have loved and sheltered and cared for these years.  Should I have known he was capable of such violence?  Was there something I could have done to prevent this awful crime?  How do I face his victims?  How do I face him?  What can I say? What can I do?  I have cried until there are no more tears.  I don't know where to turn, except to You.  I need Your help so desperately to get through this.  I need to get through this for the rest of my family. They are looking to me for explanations and comfort that I do not have. Be with him Lord.  He is so very lost. Comfort his victims. They are in such pain. Help me Lord.  Help all of us.  Help me put this burden down, Lord.  Help me find a way through this awful wilderness. Take this pain away.  Be with me through the pain. Help me find the words, the path, the faith to help myself, to help him, and all of us. Help us to find peace beside the pain.  Help us one day rediscover a bud of hope amidst the despair. Be with us all.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Why can't I live with my parents?

A different kind of Mother's Day meditation today.... one I suspect is familiar to all those who parent someone else's children.

Why can't I live with my real parents?

She asked the question today.  I knew it would come.  It always does.  Sooner or later, when they can't take thinking about it inside and the words finally spill out loud, it comes. Each one words it a bit differently, but the root is almost always the same. "Why can't I live with my parents?"It must be so difficult for her.  Everywhere she looks she sees "regular" families.  Even the friends whose parents are divorced still live with one of their parents.  Storybooks don't help.  Even when they do include foster children, the picture is usually so vague or so rosy that it is useless. Television goes the opposite route with its persistently negative portrayals.

Help me to answer her question without unhelpful judgment.  Help my answer validate her feelings and concerns, yet support her.  Help me to leave space in her thinking for them to have been good at something. No matter what else, they created this unique, individual girl.  Help me to emphasize that, while accepting they were not able to take care of her properly. If appropriate, help me remind her that sometimes people can change and grow and get better at things.  If not, help me teach her that sometimes no matter how much people want to be good at something they just can't be.  Give me the words that leave room for her to believe that she was loved, and to know that she was worth loving, that none of the failure rests on her. And Lord, please help me not to feel hurt, or rejected, but to understand that her dreaming and wishing is no reflection on me, but a reflection of what she has lost, and what she can only imagine. Please, dear God, let me help her understand that this is not her fault, and that she can grow up to be a wonderful, loving young woman.  Help me.  Help her. Help me to help her.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Backsliding

I hope none of you are in the middle of this, but if you are I hope this helps.

Backsliding

Oh God, how can it be that whenever I just am beginning to feel like things are getter better and maybe, just maybe I am making headway with him, he just turns around and goes back to the old ways?  I have worked so hard, prayed so often, given so much.  Shouldn't it show results?  Shouldn't they last longer? Why can't what I am doing be enough to help him change?
Give me the energy to reach down and find somewhere within me another scrap of patience to hold onto, to work some more, pray some more, and give some more.  Help him to change.  Help me lead him to desire to change. Help me give him the tools that will enable him to change.   Help me enable him to see the differences, to feel the pride.  Through your will and your strength. And, despite the backsliding that brings such waves of discouragement, help me remember to celebrate the times that he DOES succeed, that he DOES change, DOES try... however short, to celebrate and honor those times.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Stealing [police involvement]

One of the most common parenting challenges is a child who steals. While common in parenting children not your own, it is also common in parenting biological children.  This is a long standing concern that crosses all social and economic lines.

Stealing

They caught her stealing today.  Not just stealing from us.  Not stealing from a classmate.  Stealing as in "call the police" stealing.  I am tumbling from feeling to feeling tonight like a surfer tossed from his board and dragged under the pounding wave.  Anger that she would do this.  Frustration that she has not learned the honest values I have worked so hard to teach her.  Embarassment that a child in my home has done this.  Even humiliated that people I know will see the police car at my house and ask all kinds of uncomfortable questions.  Hopelessness that if she can still make this choice after all we've been through together, and all I have done to teach good moral values, then what am I doing?  But what about her God?  What is going to happen to her? Will they press charges?  Is it possible that she might go to jail?  She is too old for them to brush it off ad this is too serious a theft.  Why Lord, Why? Did I miss some warning sign?  Is it drugs? Is it defiance? Gangs? Guide us through this new uncharted territory.  Help me to trust You.  Help me be there for her.  Help her find a way through this mess to a better place.  Help us.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Siblings Rights

The world of child welfare has changed dramatically in the last few decades.  One area of change is in sibling rights.  While much has changed it continues to be an issue which can traumatize and emotionally cripple innocent children.

A little cooperation please

All that she wants is to keep in touch with her siblings.  That's not so much to ask is it Lord?  She has done nothing wrong and yet she has lost the chance to be with her parents. She has done nothing wrong and yet she has lost the chance to live with her siblings.  All she is asking is to be able to see them once in a while and to stay in touch in between visits.  Why can;t their new parents understand that?  Why can't her advocates make that happen? Why does it seem that every time we get something set up, it falls through on someone's end?  i am getting almost as frustrated as she is, although I know that is not possible.  I cannot even imagine what this must be like for her. Give us patience.  Give us understanding.  And, please, give them understanding of this girl's needs.  These children have lost so much.  They have accepted their separation.  They should not have to lose each other on top of everything else they have lost. Help the grownups to put ourselves and our needs aside and focus on the children's needs first.  Help us support these children whatever decisions are made.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Moving Out and Moving On

Some are still praying for this day to come, others have gotten through it, still others are just now confronting this amazing transition. Whether a child who is so-called average, gifted, or a child with special needs... this transition is a terrifying one for both 'child' and parent.

Moving Out and Moving On

He is moving out tomrrow, God.  He is moving on. Is he ready?  Oh Lord, I pray he is.  Have I given him the skills and beliefs he will need? I hope so.  Let him see my pride and my faith in him, not my fears or my doubts.  If there are tears in my eyes that embarrass him, let him know they are tears of joy, not sadness.  We have worked together, helping to build this fledgling wings.  Feather by feather. Skill by skill. Now it is time for him to use those wings and attempt to fly.  He is moving out and moving on.  The choices from now on will be his.  Let him still feel out guidance and let him still feel yours. Give him currents of joy to combat the downdrafts he will encounter, as everyone does.  Give him winds of luck, for everyone needs that as well.  We have tried to build the best wings possible, but he will still need your help.  Help him fly. You have helped me teach him how to fly. Now help me let him fly. Help him fly. Keep him safe when he bumps into temporary or even permanent obstacles.  Help him fly.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Celebrate Curiosity

Celebrating Curiosity

I love his curiosity!  Oh, sometimes the endless questions seem likely to drive me crazy, it's true.  And, when he thinks he knows it all because of something he has read, or seen, or heard, give me patience. Stop me from bursting his bubble, so very fragile. Let me celebrate that curiosity that makes him an eager sponge, ready to soak it all in.  Eager to know how it works, why it moves, what it's made of, how to build one, and on and on.  Thank you,Lord, for curiosity.  It is the sign of a growing mind.  It is a healthy, joyful thing.  It is so truly wondrous to watch him keep filling the mind with information. To watch his exploring mind try on new ideas and attitudes, even when they may be challenging.  Thank you, Lord, for minds that can grow and change and explore.  Not every child is granted that blessing.  Whether through birth, or biology, or illness, or accident, not every child gets to grow and explore their intellect.  Thank you for the blessing of a curious mind!

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Too Many Questions!

While most often true when a new child arrives in a foster, kinship or adoptive home, questions can come up at any time, with or without specific cause.

Answers for the Questions

Questions. Questions. Questions.  Lord, why is it that people can be so insensitive, so clueless, so unsympathetic as they ask questions of this young child? How can they expect a child to explain why they are here with me and not with their own parents?  Can't these people understand what pain this situation causes, how cruel it is to remind them of that pain by asking these questions?  Move me from the paralyzing anger at the questions and give me the wisdom to provide helpful answers.  Help me develop answers to give this child to use, scripts to fill in the awkward pauses, to respond to invasive questions, without increasing the awkwardness and the isolation.  Answers that are the truth, yet respectful of this child's right to privacy.  Honest answers that do not shame the child or force the child to shame the parents. Give the child courage to deal with questions and the choice to answer or not.  Give the people who meet this child the wisdom to think before asking painful questions.  Give me the wisdom.  Give me the words to give this child.  Give the world wisdom.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Dad's in Jail

Whether Dad or Mom, the reality is that many children in this country have parents who are incarcerated. Foster, kinship and adoptive parents are trying to find the path to helping those children.

Dad's in Jail

There will be no visit with Dad today.  Last night I got the call canceling the visit.  He is in jail now and will not be allowed visitation for at least a month.  In some ways I am a little relieved, but I dread the questions this little guy will ask me. Will he be heartbroken? Secretly relieved? Will he understand or be frightened or confused?  Will I be able to know what he is feeling or will he hide it deep within himself?  Help me teach him to maintain his privacy and yet be truthful when other people ask questions that put him in a social dilemma.  Help me give him a way to accept this separation without further damage to his emotional safety.  Help me allow him to feel the emotions as they come, and perhaps as much peace and acceptance as reasonable for his age.  If there comes a time when his father is allowed visitations at the jail, give me the strength to manage those circumstances.  Grant that this time of incarceration will be a time of reflection and growth for his father.  By your grace may the possibility of a better person and a better relationship with his son become reality and blessing for this child.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Figuring out the Fears

This is for all the parents of children who deal with anxiety.

Figuring Out the Fears

What happened to him?  He doesn't know.  We don't know.  The counselors don't know.  The department doesn't know.   But we all know something happened to him.  Maybe once, maybe more. Sometimes we can guess the cause. But other times not. There are certain places, certain types of situations, that just paralyze him with fear.  He doesn't even understand why.  He just knows he is suddenly terrified.  It sometimes seems so random.  No apparent link, no pattern.  Just a twisted knot of events that we can't seem to unravel. If we could just figure out the cause maybe we could find the road to a solution. But how can we do that when no one knows.  Give us clear heads, observant eyes, keen ears, and the empathy to put it all together.  Guide us to the answer, Lord, that we cannot seem to find ourselves. And if we cannot find the answer, so be it. But help us free him from his fears. Help us lead him out of this place of fear so that he can learn to enjoy this world around him.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Smoking

This concern is universal, going far beyond the world of foster care or adoption.  Every parent wants their child to be healthy and safe. 

Smoking

I found three cigarette butts in her wastebasket.  How could I have missed it?  I can usually tell when someone has been smoking.  She must have stuck her head out the window to keep her room from getting that smell. Maybe she isn't smoking that much yet? Or is it that she isn't smoking that much here yet?  I know that many, many kids try smoking.  But it is sooo bad for her.  I know that anything I say will go in one ear and out the other.  That I will just seem old-fashioned, overbearing, or even hypocritical.  But it IS bad. And, it IS still illegal at her age.  Hot to mention that doing it is secret in her room is deceitful and actually dangerous to all of us.  If she dumps an ashtray in her wastebasket, or smokes in her bed, or if she quickly throws one behind a dress to avoid being caught.... there so many ways that this can be a fire risk for the whole house.  Help me find the words to talk with her.  Help her see my fear for her, rather than anger. Help her hear me. Help us.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: He Got a Job!

This is a day almost all parents look forward to eagerly.  Parents of children with special needs or concerns often wonder if it will ever come. When it happens, it is truly celebrated.

He Got A Job!

He got a job! A real job.  Not something the school set up, or one that I found.  He got a job on his own. He saw the sign, went in, and asked about it.  I don't know how, but he did the paper work on his own.  He even met with the manager after school for an interview without us having a clue.  He had even figured out how he could get to and from work on his own, and had been sure that it would fit in his schedule.  I hope I always remember the look in his eyes when he told us.  He tried to act casual at dinner.  But he could barely sit still and was clearly eager to tell us something.. he was practially jumping out of his skin.  With eyes shining and back tall he told us.  The whole table practically exploded with congratulations.  Thank you, God for sticking with him. Thank you for helping us stick with him.  TYhank you for teaching him to stick with himself.  He got a job!

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker,   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Separation Anxiety

Many children go through stages of separation anxiety.  Children who have lost family before [through court order, tragedy, adoption, whatever] are particularly prone to long struggles with any kind of separation.

Separation Anxiety

She gets so worried when I leave.  It sometimes seems as if she wants to Velcro herself to me.  I don't leave the house that often.  Much less leave it for long.  But I do need to buy groceries and she can't always come to every doctor and dentist appointment.  She just can;t trust that she can count on me being there.  I don't think she still worries about me deliberately leaving her.  I think she knows and truly believes that I won't, despite the Velcro attacks.  But now she worries about everything else.  Will I be hit by a car?  Will I get sick? Will there be a bank robbery while I'm making a deposit?  Will my plane crash? Quiet her fears, God.  Help her see the world as full of opportunities, not full of threats.  Help her feel safe.  Help her learn that not everyone who loves her will leave her or be taken away.  

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker.   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Focus?

Foster and adoptive children are far from the only children who struggle to focus for longer than a nano second, but it is certainly common among them.  

Focus

I am so proud of them today.  When they first arrived they could not even sit still and watch a cartoon short on the television without jumping up every thirty seconds to move, or talk, or just wander off.  I couldn't find ANYthing that would hold their interest for even three minutes, literally. Yet, after working with them all this time today I sat with them and we watched a DVD that was almost an hour and a half long! True, I paused it ever thirty minutes to give them a chance to refill their water, go to the bathroom, get more grapes and apple slices. But it worked!  They sat through it, followed along with the story, and actually enjoyed it.  What an accomplishment.  Real progress. It was worth waiting and working toward for so long.  What a difference this will make for them academically, socially, and will make my life easier too!  Chalk one up on the success side!  Thank you. 

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Caring Heart: Maintaining Love

Maintaining Love

The kids need so much. How do I find time to be with those who need less?  with those who deserve as much or more? Husbands and wives need to spend time together, not just problem solving the needs of the wounded ones, but time talking about their own love, love for each other. They need to spend time supporting each other with that love. Those who are not married still need the love and support of others too.  This is such hard work, Lord. We need love too.  We need to say "I love you" and we need to hear "I love you." We need hugs. Hugs that are received as well as hugs that are given.  Help us maintain the love around us.  Help us nurture it, feed it, enjoy it, and help it grow.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Heart artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. Finger artwork from: 4littlefergusons.wordpress.com

Caring Heart: Celebrating Sheets

This celebration is not only for any parent who has survived the struggles of a child who is challenged by bedwetting.  Particularly common in foster children, yes, but widespread throughout the general population as well. 

Weekly Bed Changes

I never thought I would enjoy weekly bed changes.  I never thought I would actually celebrate them.  But I do!  Oh, do I!! To go to his room in the middle of the day, strip off the bed sheets, bundle them and toss them into the wash is a new delight. Delight because it is not the middle of the night.  Delight because they don't smell. Delight because it is not the same thing I did last night, or the night before, or every night. Delight because I a changing the sheets because it is time, not because they are wet.  Lord, I celebrate for him.  He is making it.  He has turned the tide.  He longer has those interrupted nights, the sense of embarrassment, the discomfort. And, to be honest Lord, I celebrate for myself as well.  Thank you.  Thank you for dry sheets.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.

Parenting Tips: Building Values

Ok, so I decided that I didn't want to completely skip today. But, I did want everyone to get a chance to see my Wednesday post, even though it was late going up.  

So for today's parenting tip.. how about taking a few minutes to talk to your child [at their language level] about yesterday's quote from Hubert Humphrey?  How do they treat the "least of them"?

If they are preschool, talk to them about how they treat their younger sibling, or younger neighbor. Start teaching them to reach out to help up.

If they are in elementary school, talk to them about including new kids, left-out-kids, and special needs kids.  Talk to them about reaching out to the older folks in their neighborhood, church, synagogue, etc.

If they are in 5th grade or above, talk to them about it as it relates to how they choose or measure their friends or the kids they admire. How do their friends treat the least of them?  Do they bully them?  Do they help them?  Do they ignore them?  Do they include them?  And on a simpler level encourage them to make get well phone calls to kids out sick for example, or to surprise an elderly neighbor with some homemade brownies they help make.

Help our children learn that it is not just governments that are judged by their choices but each of us as individuals too. For middle school and high school it is often seen on the playground, the lunch room, and the hall ways. It's not just those who actually do the excluding, the bullying, the ignoring.  

Help them learn that not being cruel is one step. But the key is to work against cruelty. Help our children learn to reach out to the excluded and to bring them in.


Image credits: piersdy.wordpress.com, united planet.org, beliefnet.com, takebackyourschools.com, thebradleysblog.blogspot.com

Caring Heart: Compromises and Priorities

Some fo

Compromises and Priorities

Oh God, I hope I am making the right choices.  It is so very hard to know.  Other people are so willing to judge my choices.  They think I am letting her "get away with" things, that I am "giving in." They don't understand the difficult priorities I have to juggle.  Haircuts given without permission during bio-family visits, outrageous clothes they give her that I would never let her wear, yet sometimes must because they are that precious gift. Or times that I decide the issue is mild, temporary, or lower risk and I allow it because my focus is on higher priority safety issues.  Guide me through this minefield of decisions.  With my other children it has been easier to maintain the key priorities without making major compromises.  They were steeped in my standards from the day they were born.  But with this child I have to choose what to give up on or step back even important things.  Consider high school. My children always planned to finish high school. It never occurred to them not to finish.  I never had to consider compromises to keep them in school.  But with this child graduation is definitely a huge question mark.  She does not the the risks of dropping out, in fact her eyes see mostly advantages.  And since she will be eighteen long before graduation and she is not legally mine, I can't force her.  I may have to make some really tough choices if my priority is to keep her in school until graduation.  Give me the wisdom to protect her in the times and in the ways she lacks wisdom.  Guide me and support me in the right choices. 

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover.