Parenting Tips: Using a Calm Spot

Last week I talked about teaching your children with a "Calm Spot" rather than a "Naughty Chair."  I promised this week to detail how you use a Calm Spot... so no pictures today, just concrete info.


How do you use a Calm Spot?
When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. 

If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!

If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."

If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. 
Still stay calm.  
Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  
Re-state, when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot, that it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. You are helping them. Do not give the impression that it is a punishment. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  

P.S.  Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot] that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.

Everyone needs a Calm Spot.  




Next Thursday:  What stuff can you use in a calm spot to help achieve calm?

Parenting Tips: New Years Resolutions

In January it seems everyone is focused on New Year resolutions.  The good part of this is that people are trying to improve themselves which gives us a chance to talk to our kids about improving pieces of their lives or their habits.  We also have the chance to model it for them with our own resolutions to improve.  The not so good part is that people can easily fall off the resolution wagon and give up. 

We must teach them how to succeed at changing, not just model how to try and then give up! I am no expert on resolutions or resolution-keeping, but I have found some tricks that have helped me be better at both.  Try these five steps with your kids.

1. Focus on the change. The most important thing is that you/they are trying to do better, to change. Talk about the many opportunities we have for new beginnings.  A new year.  A birthday year older. A new school year.  A new job.  A new month.  A new week. Even a new day is a fresh beginning. Use all of them if need be.

2. Keep resolutions focused on the process not the result.  For example: #2 above is better than #1.  The resolution should be the action that will lead to the goal. This makes success possible in smaller chunks.  If your goal is to be healthier or in better shape [weight, strength, or otherwise] than a list of actions that will help you is a better, more achievable goal than "losing weigh" for example. Just like with eating, the smaller the child, the tougher the food, the smaller the bite! 

3. Think of the changes as specific steps in a plan.  Look at one week at a time.  A year is far too long a chunk for kids.  For younger kids, keep resolutions to day activities. "I will tell mom two things about school each day." or "I will set my alarm clock every night." Not "I will talk to mom more" or "I will get up better." Remember... small bites.

4. Build in flexibility. Remember that the goal is improvement, not perfection.  Build in margins. Do not expect complete or instant change.  Use those small bites to build your skills and your successes. 

How does this work?
Example: I need to relax a bit more to reduce my stress.  Since most of the stresses in my life are outside my control my plan for reducing stress is to build small chunks of down time into my days. My resolution?  "Build in time to relax and unwind." My whiteboard's daily checklist now includes two 15-minute chunks for crafting, two for reading, two for "wasting time" [being still].  My goal is to do at least two of those 15-minute chunks per day.  One day they both might be reading, another day they might be crafting, or 15 min crafting and 15 min just chilling. This makes my chances of building in relaxation far more likely to succeed. Since I have never been good at this I consider succeeding even once a week progress.  When I have managed it once a week, I will try for twice a week, then three times, then four times, etc. using a new week/month as the new beginning for an uptick. See how it works?  If I had a resolution to do 30 minutes a day of crafting, reading, or down time and expected to achieve that every day starting Jan 1st I would probably fail before the end of the first week.  But by using the system above, I feel successful all along, and can at least be confident that I AM building in time to relax and unwind. 

Good luck!

P.S.  Sorry I'm late posting today.   Image credit: motivates4life.com

Anything Can Happen: Parent Sticker Charts

Have you ever used sticker charts with your kids?

Have you chosen a behavior you want to encourage or discourage and awarded stickers each time, leading to an earned reward?

Try this for a fun Anything Can Happen day...


Let your kids make a sticker chart for you!



Take a typical chart like the one at left and switch roles. Let them pick a behavior or yours the kids want to encourage or discourage. Decide the reward, Give them the stickers and POST the chart. Take it in good spirit.. [Remember how little choice THEY have in choosing targeted behaviors and incentives]. Have some fun with it. Make it a day or a weekend or... if you are really daring... a week.

Let us know how it goes! Above are some examples of kid charts you can adapt depending on your children's ages.

Image credits: writers.inpictou.info,itsamomsworld.com

Parenting Tips: Family Rules pt 1.. set the stage

For the next few weeks I will be doing a series about family rules.  Please chime in with comments or emails and share what has worked for you. Kids will always be stretching their wings, it is their job.  It is our job as parents to help them stretch safely, to not break their wings, but learn to fly. Here are my 5 steps to set the stage.

1- Start young.
To avoid future questions and accusations of interrogations from irritated teens, start early! Decide what you want kids to learn to tell you and start asking those questions from the very beginning.   
2- Model it. Start by talking out loud. When you leave, answer the questions for your children, for the sitter.  Model that people share this information before separating so that everyone feels safe and secure... not because of a need to "check up."

3- Write it down.  Before your children can read make a picture chart.  When they can read a little put up the key words. Eventually have a clear chart.
4- Keep it handy. Post your reminder where is can be used easily.  Don't let it become a last minute part of the frenzy. Have it be part of the initial planning and thinking.
5- Be dependable. Use your pattern, your chart, your code, all the time.  Let it become part of the routine.  If it gets to be a tired old routine...celebrate that they know it well!

Next Thursday:   Getting Permission.   I will share the rules my family uses when leaving or asking permissions and how we use these 5 steps.

Image credits: publishing.wsu.edu

Caring Heart: Defiance

Parents of teenagers are accostomed to defiance as their children enter the natural stage of tretching limits and independence.  But for many parents it comes much earlier and with a force, strength of will, and almost desperation at such an early age that the issue is as clear as the solution is obscured. 

Defiance 

I can take it when one of them grumbles.  I can take it when they talk back or drag their feet.  I can take all that and more and still manage.  But this flat-out defiance is a real problem.  I can't force him to eat.  I can't make her goto school.  They are too big to pick up and manhandle.  Even if they weren't to big, brute force is neither allowed nor useful and none of that matters because I won't use it.  Is brute force the only means of control they have experienced?  Are they trying to push me to that point to either prove everyone does it, or to proved they are that bad?  I will not use the kind of physical or emotional force that put them here.  I won't even come close!  So, how am I going to get them to do the things they must do?  They don't care enough about me to be motivated by wanting to please me.  They have lived without so much that there is nothing I can take away or give to them to motivate them.  So how do I get them to do what they must?  Help me figure this out.  Help them figure it out.  Help us.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Focus on Fostering: 4 Magic Words

Four simple words, but they often can start turning a situation around with almost magical power. I can't claim this idea as my own.  It developed out of a long ago counseling session for one of my more intractable kiddos.  It is a way of injecting calm. It allows you to continue to comfort or calm a child while waiting for an opportunity to help them find a solution.  Without taking over it lets a child know there are possibilities.  It is also a way of sneaking in some advice without it coming across as such. 

1-- Child X is ranting and raving about situation Y, or sobbing and wailing, or whining and complaining, or any number of other annoying reactions.  I say very calmly.... "I have an idea." That's all.  

2--  I wait. I do NOT continue, going on to explain my idea.  I wait.

3-- If the child continues without notice, I wait for a mini-pause and slip in a quiet... "Would you like to hear my idea?"

4-- I wait. I do not go on to offer my idea until a] the child can listen and b] the child indicates they want to hear it. 

5A- When they finish, sniffle, and ask... I share my idea for a solution.  "I was thinking that maybe you could think about...."  I always present it as an option they can consider along with their ideas. Sometimes they choose to ignore my idea and go with one of their own.  That's ok.  It theirs works...fine.  If not, they can try mine or another.  The idea is to have them consider options and learn eventually to solve problems themselves. 

OR

5B- If they never ask [and sometimes they don't] I continue to comfort them or help them calm down. At some point before I leave I congratulate them on settling down and say something like... when you think about this later, if you decide you want to hear that idea I had, just let me know. Then I again praise them if they have turned the situation/behavior around.  

OR

5C- If they don't calm down, or if they continue to escalate I suggest that they may need to go to a calm, safe place until they can be calm around other people.

If and when things are calm and there can be a calm discussion, I have been known to do the "I have an idea" etc. cycle up to two times to get in two possibilities.  I never go past two.  Also, I almost never go on to a second idea unless I have gotten the child to come up with an idea also. 

Try this!  I love the subtle way it allows the child to feel in control of the choices while still remaining open to hearing other people's ideas.  It also conveys a subtle confidence that you believe they can find or choose a successful solution. I've had it work with kids as young as two and as old as 22. I sometimes wish I could teach it to some of my adult friends! Let us know how it works when you have tried it a few times.  [And let us know what ages you have tried it with.] 

Image credits: fredbecker.com, pregnancy-parenting.becomegorgeous.com, squidoo.com

Focus on Fostering: Explosive or Calm?

I live near the ocean and as a child spent some time each summer by the ocean.  Somehow over the years, I began to equate watching the water [especially waves] with calm.  If I am having a terrible day, the most healing place to go is to sit [in my car if it is December!] by the ocean and watch the waves for even just 5 minutes.  Somehow as each wave recedes it takes away some of my anger and frustration, and as each fresh wave comes in it brings me a bit of resilience and renewal. 

Perhaps because of that I came to believe that everyone needs a calm spot. As a foster parent my household needed this even more than a more typical home. This concept has helped me with some of the kids who tend to be explosive, or defensive, or any of the other types of high emotion that seem to be beyond their ability to control. 

What is a Calm Spot?
     I have asked each of my kiddos to chose a Calm Spot.  They can try out different ones to find the best.  Sometimes they need to change their spot. What is a calm spot?  I tell them it is a place they can go when they feel like their insides are going too fast, their feelings are going to explode, etc. It should be a place where they can calm themselves down and be safe until they do.  A corner, A cushion, A stairway, Even an open closet.Let them choose.

How do you set up a Calm Spot?
     Some of my kids even have a Calm Box in their Calm Spot.  One child's calm box has clay for pounding or stretching, a coloring book and crayons, a maze book and pen, kleenex, and scrap paper for ripping or scrunching....all needed for different stages of calming down. [My older kids put in a cheap CD player with a favorite CD.] 
     It is important that the child help pick the spot and the items for the box and that you do it at a time when all is well with the child.  That's when you explain that when he needs to calm down he can go to his spot and use her box until he feels calm or until she thinks she can come back and be ok. They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  Tell them that if you are watching them and think that maybe they need it you might ask them if they need it. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.


  
How do you use a Calm Spot?
      When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!
      If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. Still stay calm.  Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  Re-state that when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot it isn't a punishment, it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  


Me too
Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot, that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.
Everyone needs a Calm Spot.  


Image credits: myhappycrazylife.com,davincimethod.com, inhabitots.com, maine-seascape.blogspot.com

Parenting Tips: Consequences - part 2

I said last Thursday how tired I get of discussions of logical vs natural consequences, preferring to focus on effectiveness rather than punitive.  But I promised to explain why I said people tend to misuse the terms logical and natural consequences.

Too often people describe natural consequences as ones which directly connect to the misbehavior.  They talk about taking away cellphones and enforcing extra homework time and other enforced consequences.  These are NOT natural consequences.  They may connect. They may be a good match to the "offense." That is was makes them good logical consequences. Natural consequences are automatic reactions to a behavior. They are not consequences a parent imposes. In fact, a parent has no control over true natural consequences.

Example:  When your child steals something from a store, you don't trust them the same way as you did before you found out they stole.  You can't help it.  The next time they go in a store you worry.  The next time you see them with gum you didn't buy for them, you wonder.  That loss of trust is the natural consequence. You didn't choose it. It happened. You can't stop it. It happens naturally. In fact, you can't even control how long it lasts.  A natural consequence often lasts longer than the misbehavior that caused it.  How often have you seen a child's reputation as a liar continue even after they begin telling the truth again. That is because the loss of belief is a natural consequence of their lies. 

Parent trainings should help parents understand natural consequences and know how to use them to encourage children to value and protect, preserve or regain a positive reputation. We need to label natural consequences for our children so that they can understand and learn from them. We can be on their side as they work to deal with or they work to reverse the natural consequences.  Society and nature are imposing those consequences, not us. For a change we can be the teammate, their cheerleader and coach. Go team!

Image credit: treehugger.com

Parenting Tips: Consequences - part 1

Everytime I go to a parenting workshop or behavior training the concept of logical vs natural consequences seems to be part of the discussion.  Unfortunately, most of the time I hear the terms used incorrectly. I will talk about that in part two [next Thursday]. But my other objection is that few trainers focus enough on the purpose of consequences.  To my way of thinking, a consequence's purpose is to encourage change.  Too often parents choose a consequence for maximum punishment not maximum encouragement. Making a child miserable might be a side effect of the consequence, but it should never be the purpose.

When you impose a consequence with the goal of punishment it is more about you than it is about the child.  It is more about you than the misbehavior. By doing that you risk unintended consequences for yourself.  While you may be intending to teach your child good behavior, you may be modeling something closer to revenge.  You may be modeling the desire to get even, to repay pain with pain. Tempting? Sure. We all [I think] have that little devil inside us that is tempted to respond in kind when we should be responded with kindness.

There is no rule that says discipline has to be mean.  Discipline can be done with love. Generally it is more effective done with calm and with understanding rather than anger or punishment. The child can focus on what is being taught, rather than distracted by resentment, defensiveness, and the need to protect themselves physically or emotionally.

Consequence is defined as "something that follows as a result, the relationship between a result and its cause." The same dictionary defines punish as "to impose a penalty for wrongdoing, to respond harshly, often causing damage or pain."  If our goal as parents is to encourage proper behavior doesn't the relationship approach offer a better chance than punishment? We need to aim for positively effective consequences and be on guard against negative unintended consequences. When you discipline do you impose consequences or punishment? Weigh in, please!

[Part 2 next Thursday]

Image credit:  unintended.jpg at stanslaughter.com

Golden Rule of Consequences

All too often parents feel that a consequence's purpose is to make a child suffer so they won't ever do the misbehavior again. Consequences are not supposed to punish... they are to teach. Teaching effectively is helped by restraint. I know it is tempting to threaten all our war ["You are grounded for the next month." "No cell phone for three weeks." "I'm going to take all of your toys and pack them up." etc.] Resist! Don't blow all your ammunition at once. Don't attack an annoying insect with a full house exterminator. Don't threaten something you are not able or willing to follow through. Show restraint. Take a minute [or an hour] to get calmed down and to consider a realistic, effective consequence.

The golden rule of consequences is :

Always use the smallest consequence possible that is likely to be effective.

Family Rules

In my home I have always had only two rules: "Safe" and "Loved." Everyone [and everything] in the house is to feel and be safe. Safe from fear, abuse, neglect, demeaning, mocking, etc. etc. Everyone [and everything in a sense] is to feel and be loved. I figure those two rules are the non-negotiables. They cover the key essentials that I believe every child should have. [See the April 29, 2009 blog entry "My only rule" for more about it.]

Another parent recently sent me to the Duggar family's web site. [Yes, the family with 19 children and a television series.] The Duggar family's rules [as listed on their website] are:

1. Always use soft words, even when you don't feel well

2. Always display kind actions and joyful attitudes, even if you have been mistreated

3. Always use manners and be respectful of others and their belongings

4. Use one toy at a time. Share!

Trying to distill key beliefs of any kind into simple rules is always a challenge. It helps if they are clear and concise. I have worked on many committees charged with the task of forming rules [or "guiding principles" as organizations tend to call them]. Clear is usually a lot easier than concise. Clarity isn't much help if the list of rules is longer than the Constitutional Amendments. Have you made a list of guiding principles or rules for your home? I suppose everyone's reflects their own values and their own styles. I would love to have readers or blog visitors share their family's versions. Anyone game?

Dishonest Children

This month I have been working especially hard on a book with a cowriter named Pat Miller. We have known each other for years in the parenting training and foster parenting circles. We have been working on this book for almost three years now. [Why so long? Did I mention she lives in Texas and I live in Maine?] I think we are just about ready to start shopping it around to publishers. The book is tentatively titled The Dishonest Child: A Practical Plan to Reduce Lying and Stealing. Lots of books address problem behaviors and usually include a section on lying and/or stealing. They seldom go beyond motives and often simplistic advice to reduce the behavior. We start with the motives and move through specific, detailed steps for helping children who are chronically dishonest.

Parents almost universally list honesty as one of the keys traits they hope to instill in their children yet research shows that lying and stealing are common to a huge percentage of children. We have filled our book with examples from real life families: foster, bio, adoptive, and step. We have long since given up on using current examples of celebrities caught in lying or stealing because the list seems to change every news cycle.

I think I will start to include [every once in a while] snippets from the book in this blog. It seems silly to cover other problems and ignore the one I am writing a book about. But... I would also like to extend a cyber-invitation to my blog readers. If any of you are struggling with this in your homes or just interested in this issue and would be willing to be a reader for our manuscript, please let me know. You would have the fun of reading a work in progress and perhaps giving feedback that would make it better or a comment/response that could be used in promoting the book to potential publishers. In any case, the invitation is there if anyone is interested, let me know...

10,000 Steps

For a bit over two months I have been trying to increase my walking ability and stamina. With a bad leg I was told not to walk more than a mile a day. Meanwhile my brother delights in taking 8-9 nile day walks almost daily. [His last visit he walked all day... literally a marathon, covering almost 30 miles in one day of walking pleasure and discipline.] For years I have paid for pushing my limits with swelling etc. but this summer I have finally seen progress. After two years of occasionally walking home from church [about 2 miles] on nice spring, summer or fall Sundays, I have finally managed 2 weeks in a row to walk both to and home from church. Yes, there was the hour and a half gap between the two hikes, but still it made a total of 4 glorious miles in a day/morning! Best yet, no swelling or warning pain. My goal has been to work toward that magic number so often held up as a daily goal.... 10,000 steps per day. This week I have hit that goal THREE times!! Three times I have put one foot in front of the other ten thousand times in a single day.

Yesterday as I walked I thought about each step. If I can put one foot in front of the other ten thousand times in a single day working toward the goal of fitness [and maybe weight loss!] what else could I do over and over each day for a goal. How many times can I overlook a teenagers attitude, an adolescent's tone of voice? How many times can I let go of frustration or hurt? How many times can I speak in a quiet tone when tempted to snarl, snipe, or scold?

I once could barely walk 1000 steps in a single day. Now 5000 in a day is easy, 10,000 a regularly achievable goal. My overall health, energy and optimism have improved with my stamina for walking. What improvements would I see if I switched my "fitness" goals from walking to those parenting choices? Surely I can do it 1% as often? That would mean I might start making those new choices 10 times a day. Then maybe in some time making those new choices 50 times a day would be easy. Would 100 even be needed?

Perhaps if I made choices during my "parenting walk" with the same discipline that I put one foot in front of each other on my fitness walks... not only would my life be transformed, but my whole family's as well. Hmmmmmmm. Anyone for a walk??

Parenting Do-Overs

As an "experienced" parent and one with more than one "set" of children raised, I have the blessing of parenting hindsight.  Unlike most parents, I have the chance to "do it over again" and do it differently. I am still starting kids after having seen the outcomes with the earlier kids.  I do do it differently. Like the "Don't sweat the small stuff" guru, I now have a somewhat unusual set of priorities. This allows me to comfortably "give in" or "let slide" many things which other parents firmly grasp or compulsively enforce. Things which I grasped ever so tightly with my first crew and less so with my current cherubs. Predictably there are also things that I let slide with my earlier kiddos and stand firm and resolute now.  

If I had to summarize the difference I think it lies in a better ability at backward planning. I have a good idea now of what qualities I want my kiddos to have at 18, 28, etc.  I also have a better [though FAR from guaranteed] idea of how to get there from here.  So, I break the outcome into smaller and ever smaller increments and start working on them.  I think I work on them more consciously than the first time around, and with  greater confidence in the route than before.  

For most things I start working the plan earlier than the first time [like cooking and study habits]. Some things I do very differently [like the way I do rewards and privileges]. Some things are a mix of both [like teaching how to keep their bedrooms clean.] How much of this is because the kiddos I raise now come with more challenges and issues than my first set is hard to determine.  I am certainly glad that my early attempts were with more resilient, more natively able, healthier children. What I learned raising them has been hugely helpful in later parenting.  

One of the things I liked best about the teaching profession was the chance to reinvent yourself, your attitudes, your behaviors, your priorities each September.  Yes, students might notice a difference between what they had heard about you and what you were, but you could tweak your approach every year.  I didn't feel that freedom s a parent the first time around. I felt like "changing the rules" in midstream was unfair and likely to be unsuccessful.  I feel much freer now to change as it seems needed.  I feel much more comfortable letting go of a plan or a rule or a priority based on circumstances and needs.  I worry less about what the current thinking is or what the experts say and go more comfortably with what is actually working, cheerfully ditching that which is not working, regrouping and restarting.  

I don't believe there is any perfect set of parenting strategies or techniques to fit every child. Heck, we can't even find soap or cereal or shampoo to fit every child! But when I get tired of parenting, of dealing with homework  struggles or sibling squabbles for the umpee-thousandth time I celebrate the chances I have for do-overs, for mini or extreme makeovers, and for the blessings and focus of hindsight.  

Memories of Car Travel #1... fighting

Riding in a car can be a challenge with kids. I was the middle child of three in the days before mini-vans and DVD players for the backseat passengers... when we still looked out the windows for amusement. I do remember admonitions of "Keep your hands to yourself," and "Yes it IS your turn to sit in the middle," but for the most part I don't remember much fighting.  Perhaps that is selective memory.  Perhaps the same endorphins they say make women forget the actual feeling of labor pains also numbs the memories of childhood fights. I only remember my father actually pulling the car over to the shoulder once. We were fighting in the back and repeatedly had been told to quiet down with the barest of temporary response.  Dad never said a word, simply pulled over and tuned the car off.  There we sat as big trucks roared by.  As car after car passed on their way, we continued to sit at road's edge. Eventually we figured out that these cars must be filled with better  behaved children and we quieted... nothing from the front seat. Then we pledged cooperation....still nothing, no motor restarting, no comment.  

At that moment a state trooper pulled up behind us and the tallest man I had ever seen stepped up and asked my father what the problem was.  Dad explained that he had pulled over because the noise in the backseat had made it impossible for him to concentrate on driving. He had pulled over until he was confident that he could drive safely.  The trooper shone his flashlight into the backseat when we sat frozen in its beam.  "Three kids?,"  he asked Dad.  "I have two young ones myself....They sure can make a racket sometimes."  The two exchanged a glance, no doubt of sympathetic understanding one dad to another.  "How much farther do you have to go?" "We're headed another four hours to the shore," Mother answered wearily.  The trooper nodded again and then peered back into the backseat.  "Be nice if you could get there in time to sleep tonight wouldn't it Sir? ....Shame if you had to stop too often along the way.... You might be too tired tomorrow to drive to the beach." With one more stern look at us, and [I later was told] a conspiratorial wink at Mother and Dad, he stepped back and said... "Take the time you need, then you folks go ahead and drive safely."  

After he drove off,  Dad started the car back up and pulled back onto the highway blessed by peaceful quiet in the back seat, and a spirit of desperate cooperation that lasted  for the remainder of the trip.

Listening and Hearing

I am feeling guilty. Feeling guilty seems to be a lifestyle for me and I suspect for most parents. Now that I have a blog I have a new guilt on my list. I feel guilty when I haven't made an entry in a few days [or more]. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that blogging is like a tree falling in the forest with no one to hear. Are my rants, raves, thoughts and ideas going out to an empty field? If so, they is an irony here, because when I speak thoughts, ideas, rants, and even rave [positive that is] to my kiddos I also feel like it is speaking to an empty field. If any of you are fans of Broadway musicals.... perhaps you know "1776" which also became a movie. In it a tired and battle weary George Washington ends one of his hundreds of battlefield reports to the Continental Congress.... "Is anybody listening? Does anybody care?"

My blog is hardly the equivalent of an army general's report to the leaders of his country. [And, if I had hundreds of readers, which I clearly do not, then my guilt would be higher when I get busy and fall behind my personal blog goals.] So, today I started by thinking about blogging and debating whether it is more diary/catharsis or more communication. But it quickly became thoughts about our parenting communication. More often than not, one is tempted to feel that much of our parenting is falling on deaf ears. That is, ears that have chosen to tune us out. But like the Continental Congress, the children are hearing even if they try not to listen. And as for caring... well we know that they don't often care now. But I think the only reason we want them to care is so that what we say makes a difference. And for that I have come to believe that what we say does make a difference, even if they don't listen, even if they don't care.

Timing is Everything

Today I have been thinking about timing.  Timing seems so much more crucial in parenting kids with challenges.  Kids who are so called "typical" [whatever that is!] seem to be able to roll with things so much better.  Kids who are challenged by behaviors or developmental struggles don't seem to have the same flexibility.  This means that as parents we need to be so much more conscious of what we do.  not that we always manage it, mind you.  Remember the need to recognize that we all will drop a few plates no matter how hard we try.  [See my April 15th blog entry about spinning plates.]

But back to timing.  Looking for a "teachable moment" is crucial.  Teachable moments are NOT when a behavior or event comes up where some teaching is needed.  That happens all too often!  However, that is probably the LEAST teachable moment. 

Why not?

The moment that a child has been "caught" doing something wrong is a moment when the child is likely to be in a completely unteachable state.  In my experience kids seem to go in one of two directions.  One: Some become totally defensive.  They often show this by going on a strident offense behaviorally and verbally, often escalating the situation the more you ry to talk them down.  Two: They say "Whatever!" or "Who cares?" or something equally annoying trying to convince you that it doesn't matter at all to them.   

While they are portraying this don't-care-attitude outside or exploding all over the place, inside they are likely to be experiencing anything from a simply knotted stomach, to a full-out fight-flight response.  Either way, this is NOT a moment when they can listen, much less learn. [P.S.  Also, this might not be your best moment to teach!] This is the time to keep it simple.  

So how and when DO we teach?

Here are a few ideas I try [not always successfully] to remember:

1. Stay calm. Keep an even tone of voice and calm, matter-of-fact exterior.  [NO, you may not scream, yell, or turn purple, despite the temptation, perhaps even the justification.]

2. Clearly and simply label the mistake. Keep it short and specific Ex:  "In our home, NO one is allowed to hit someone." Do NOT get into character bashing.   [In other words, no "I am so sick and tired of you xxxx-ing."] 

3. Keep everyone safe.  If possible give the child a safe out-- a place or time to keep others safe and the child safe while he or she regains calm.  [Ex: Why don't you go in the den until you feel a little quieter inside?"]  If you read yesterday's blog entry ab out a Calm Spot, this is the perfect time to use it. I often add something like "I 'll be there in a little bit to help you."  [Yes, I know this may b e followed by a screamed "I don't NEED your help, etc. etc".... but  they have still heard me.

4. LATER.. This might be in 15 minutes, or an hour, or even a few days.  How do you know when?  It is a time when the possibility of talking [prefera bly in private] is possible.  It is a time when the mood is calm and the child is on an even keel. It is a time when YOU have also calmed down enough to think clearly, be fair, listen, and be reasoned in your plan.  THAT is the teachable moment.  This is the time when you AND the child can talk and think about what happened.  That is when you can talk calmly and matter-of-factly together about the event. What other choices were there? How could it go better the next time? You believe the child can do better. You will help them learn how to do better etc. etc.  This is not a parent punishing a child. This is not a time for berating, or belittling, or battling. These are the times when you become a team working on the problem together, finding solutions together. 

Timing is everything.  Timing is hard. 

A Calm Spot

I live near the ocean and as a child spent some time each summer by the ocean.  Somehow over the years, I began to equate watching the water [especially waves] with calm.  If I am having a terrible day, the most healing place to go is to sit [in my car if it is December!] by the ocean and watch the waves for even just 5 minutes.  Somehow as each wave recedes it takes away some of my anger and frustration, and as each fresh wave comes in it brings me a bit of resilience and renewal. 

Perhaps because of that I came to believe that everyone needs a calm spot.  That concept has helped me with some of the kids who tend to be explosive, or defensive, or any of the other types of high emotion that seem to be beyond their ability to control. 

What is a Calm Spot?

I have asked each of my kiddos to chose a Calm Spot.  They can try out different ones to find the best.  Sometimes they need to change their spot. What is a calm spot?  I tell them it is a place they can go when they feel like their insides are going too fast, their feelings are going to explode, etc. It should be a place where they can calm themselves down and be safe until they do.  

How do you set up a Calm Spot?

Some of my kids even have a Calm Box in their Calm Spot.  One child's calm box has clay for pounding or stretching, a coloring book and crayons, a maze book and pen, kleenex, and scrap paper for ripping or scrunching....all needed for different stages of calming down. [My older kids put in a cheap CD player with a favorite CD.] 

It is important that the child help pick the spot and the items for the box and that you do it at a time when all is well with the child.  That's when you explain that when he needs to calm down he can go to his spot and use her box until he feels calm or until she thinks she can come back and be ok. They can ask to use the calm spot if they think they need it.  Tell them that if you are watching them and think that maybe they need it you might ask them if they need it. They may say no once.  But if in a few minutes you see that they still need it, you, as the grownup in charge, might insist that they spend at least some time in their calm spot.  

How do you use a Calm Spot?
When a child begins to seem out of control, you use a very calm, matter-if-fact tone and ask them if s/he would like to use their Calm Spot for a few minutes. 

If s/he does great.  When s/he comes back, ask "Did your Calm Spot help?" "Are your ready to xxx now?" and praise them for using their calm spot!!

If they choose not to go to their calm spot, say something like "That's fine. If you can calm down by yourself, great. But if you change your mind, go ahead and use your calm spot if you need to."

If they calm down... celebrate their success.  If they don't after a bit, or if things escalate, then explain that you insist that they go to their Calm Spot for a few minutes to get back in control of their feelings. Still stay calm.  Still be matter-of-fact rather than punitive.  Re-state that when you pick him up and move her to a quiet spot it isn't a punishment, it's because you understand s/he needs some time and space to calm down. If your attitude or words are punitive, they will view it as punishment.  It is up to you to always treat it as an opportunity for them to regain the control they need. The message they get is that you believe they can control their feelings, given the time, space, and support they need.  A powerful message.  

P.S.  Sometimes when they have done something that really upsets me, I will tell them [often as I help them to their Calm Spot, that I need to calm down too. That I am going to MY Calm Spot. I go to a quiet place in the house [assuming I can find one!] and do something to calm myself, whether calling a friend, reading a meditation, listening to music, etc.

Everyone needs a Calm Spot.