Soapbox: Universal Friendliness?

I started with questions I felt fairly comfortable with and clear about.  Now we're on what to me are the tougher ones. 

9. Do you dare to be universally friendly to end violence?

Ok, so is he talking about ending bullying by universal friendliness?  i suspect he would say that is a start, but only a start. I think maybe he is talking about forgiveness and openness as a route to ending an atmosphere prone to violence.

I try to live a faith-based life, but have always struggled with the concept of forgiveness.  Well, not actually the concept. The practice.  I do not hate.  But to say that I have forgiven everyone who has done me wrong would not be true.  I do well with the little stuff.  I suspect most of us do.

How many people in your life have you not forgiven?  I have given this a great deal of thought and realize that in my life there are only four people that I know I have not forgiven.  One of those has died, but even before he died, I had put his offense behind me.  But in truth that is different from forgiveness.

And friendliness? That is a step well beyond forgiveness. Is that what it would take?  I think he realizes this is tough, because in the others he uses words like "would you" and "could you."  In this he says "Do you dare."  Because it is a risk to be sure.  For me to see those I have not forgiven and not just forgive. Could I see or meet them and be friendly? 

That would indeed take inner daring.

                                                 What do you think?

Image credits:  rodneymullins.wordpress.com, womenscenter.uconn.edu,toppun.com, 

Parenting Tips: A Prayer for Children

After talking in Soapbox this week about Dr Patch Adams' challenge in support of children I remembered this prayer by Mariah Wright Edelman.  It's not my usual style of post on a Parenting Tip Thursday... but it speaks volumes about raising children.  Edelman founded the Children's Defense Fund in 1973 and has been a supporter of children and children's rights ever since. 


I commend to all of you four of her writings in particular:
--The Measure of Our Success: A Letter to My Children and Yours (1992)
--Guide My Feet: Meditations and Prayers on Loving and Working for Children (1995)
--I'm Your Child, God: Prayers for Children and Teenagers.
--I Can Make a Difference: A Treasury to Inspire Our Children,

Here is a small sample of her wonderful writing and thinking...

A Prayer for Our Children
             By Marian Wright Edelman

We pray for children
Who sneak popsicles before supper,
Who erase holes in math workbooks,
Who can never find their shoes.

And we pray for those
Who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
Who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
Who never "counted potatoes,"
Who are born in places we wouldn't be caught dead,
Who never go to the circus,
Who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children
Who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we pray for those
Who never get dessert,
Who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
Who watch their parents watch them die,
Who can't find any bread to steal,
Who don't have any rooms to clean up,
Whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
Whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
Who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
Who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
Who like ghost stories,
Who shove dirty clothes under the bed and never rinse out the tub,
Who get visits from the tooth fairy,
Who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
Who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
Whose tears we sometimes laugh at and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything,
Who have never seen a dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children who want to be carried and for those who must,
For those we never give up on and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother ... and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

Soapbox: A Child in Need

This week's question from Dr. Patch Adams is an intriguing one for me and all foster parents.  It is:

2. Could you choose at least one child you're not related to and give them the time and care they need?

At this very moment there are approximately half a million children who are without a permanent family and home. They desperately need time and care and love. They also need stability. These are not starving children crammed together in cribs in some foreign orphanage.  These are children in our own country.  They are children of neglect. They are children who have been abused and traumatized.  They are children of desperation and hopelessness. And they are the future!

They are the children who are learning not to trust. They are learning that people who love you, hurt you or abandon you or fail to care for you. They are in your community, no matter where you live.  They are in your schools, and all too often, they are on your streets. I am deeply pained to admit that some of them are in the care of people whose job is to protect them but who may not be protecting them. [I believe that is a small minority unlike what the media would like to imply!] But most of them are just guarding themselves as they shift from place to place, from person to person, as their hope in the future gets more and more dim, more and more deeply buried. 

They are not just small ones either.  Some of these "children" who so desperately need someone to help them, someone to be there, someone to care, have passed the cuddly cute baby and toddler stage.  They are grown to the point that even they realize their chances for a family home are racing out of the hourglass faster than grains of sand. They are boys and girls at an age when biology and development make them struggle and fight for independence they are not prepared to sustain.

Patch Adams doesn't say foster care or adoption specifically. Although I believe that is the most crucial need, if you can't make that leap, don't be stopped. Maybe it is a child in a good, loving family who just needs a mentor, an outside champion?  How many children do you know?  In your church? In your neighborhood?  At the grocery store?  Do you show them you care about them?   How often do you speak to them?  Do they look forward to and receive a smile from you every time you see them? Start by learning their name. Make a conscious point to smile and meet their eyes.  It is a place to start.  

Image credits: seattletimes.nwsource.com, ericsblog.org, more4kids.info, newsinjuryboard.com

School Bell: Celebrate Struggles: Reason # 2

Last Monday I posted about one reason to celebrate the struggles of schoolwork, particularly in middle school years  [hitting that wall when struggle, even failure, matter less than it will later].

Today reason #2 why struggle can be good:

2- Students who struggle learn strategies for overcoming challenges.

Struggle is good in the middle and high school years.  The child who has difficulty acquiring knowledge is forced to learn [or at least try] a wide variety of strategies for learning... flash cards, outlines, anagrams, rhymes, silly mental pictures, etc etc.  Compare that to the child who breezes through class, who seems to absorb the material the first time exposed. Some seem so lucky that they could pass [and do well] on the unit tests even without doing the homework. But is this lucky?  The parents get off easier, that is certain. But do the children?   

Children who never struggled in K-12  are often the kids at greater risk of doing poorly in college not knowing how to solve the problem.  Used to breezing through tests, or goofing around and only studying when it was time for the test, they may discover that it suddenly no longer works.  Or they may have been able to postpone a project or paper till the last minute and still pull it off and now they can't.  Or the information itself may not "stick" just by listening in class, or by reading the material quickly.  Suddenly nothing is working and they may have trouble even recognizing the train wreck coming, much less dealing with it.

The students who struggled at some point or through high school are not surprised or taken aback when things are hard. They have been there. They return to some of the strategies that got them through earlier learning challenges. These strategies are familiar, and many students even know exactly which approaches work best for them. They have tried multiple strategies for memory, for organizing, for breaking down deadlines, for seeking help, and for assessing their progress. 

So....

when you are about to pull your hair at one more flash card drill, one more Venn diagram, etc., DON'T.  Hold onto the thought that you are helping them develop systems for dealing with learning that will be in their personal learning baskets for the rest of their lives.

Next week... Of course, there is a "but" to celebrating school struggles. If you shouldn't panic when your child struggles, what should you do?  And what are the inevitable exceptions?


Image credits and thanks to: coulditbethebaby.blogspot.com

School Bell: Celebrate Struggles: Reason #1

Tis the season for kids to be sick of school and parents to be tired of fighting over homework,. The season for final projects and cumulative tests. The end of the school years looms like both a deadline and a prize. Today and next Monday will hopefully give you and yours a more optimistic view of the homework struggles.

Struggle can be something to celebrate!

With very few exceptions everyone will struggle to learn something during their life. Sooner or later we come up against something that doesn't come easily.  Those students who breezed through middle or junior high school, who aced high school without breaking a sweat, will hit a wall sometime in college or on their job.  

Which brings us to reason #1 why we can celebrate struggles:

1- Students hit that wall they are in a time when the grades matter far less than later in school or life.  

In the 32 years I taught fifth grade, I never once had a Harvard admissions office care about that D on the marine mammal project, or that failed Civil War test. I have seen employers turned off by D's in someone's college major, or on their graduate school transcripts.

Parents have to let go at some point when their child is learning to walk.  They have to eventually let go of the bike if a child is to learn to ride. Knowing to occasionally NOT bail their child out of a school mess is also an essential if the child is to learn to learn.  Do it judiciously.  Do it compassionately.  Do it AFTER having taught the child the skills to be independent. But do it.

Few children are damaged permanently by falling on their face when learning to walk, or by a skinned knee in a bike fall.  They will also survive falling on their face at school.  But like a child learning to walk or ride, parents should be there to help dust them off, bandage the wounds, and help them see how to do better. And.. the bumps and bruises hurt less and heal faster when you are younger and more resilient.

Next week reason #2 and the following week... a "but."

Image credit and thanks to: unisa.edu.au

Focus on Fostering: Grandparent Parents

Today's post is directed at those who are foster parenting or adoptive parenting children the age of their grandchildren.  Parent down a skipped generation is full of challenges.  I know because I am doing it.  I often laugh when I see news stories about women in their 50s who are excited to be pregnant and extol the virtues of older parenting.  I agree that their are some plusses to parenting at an age when most are grandparenting. BUT, I sometimes want to phone those women and say w-a-i-t ! ! 
 Take a moment to imagine . . .

...why menopause is not intended to coexist with pre-teen or teen angst.

... why school open houses and parent conferences do not hold the same appeal in your 60s as in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s.

... what you will encounter when you try to make friends with the parents of the school friends of your child... parents who are 20-30 years younger than you, often with verrry different values than you.

Despite all of that and far more, I recognize that the decision to parent grandchildren is often a non-decision. It so often is a choice between two difficult options, each with predictable prices to be paid financially, emotionally, and practically.

My best advice?.... recognize and learn to accept that you cannot parent the same way you did or would have in your 20s and 30s.  You will be more tired.  Your body will be less flexible.  Your relationship with your children and other grandchildren will be affected. Your energy will have smaller reserves.  Your emotions may be less resilient.  Accept all this.  Plan for it.

Take naps when you can.
Don't beat yourself up emotionally for needing extra time or space to regroup.
Build in recovery time after energy-sapping plans.
Cut yourself some slack.... maybe even a lot of slack.

And.......Celebrate when the wisdom of your years/experience make something easier or smoother or more effective!

Image credit and thanks to:  ucanr.org, lagrg.org, centralcoastseniors.org

Soapbox: Let Them Be Children!

Yesterday I saw a family of five in the mall.  They were two parents and three daughters, and they brought me up short.  I don't know if they had come from having a picture taken or from a special family event or what, but they were clearly dressed up  in their best.  I was transported back to times when my girls and I were all dressed up.  But I was a bit stunned by the differences I saw.  When my girls were young, dressed up meant Polly Flinders smocked dressed with "Peter Pan" collars and fully fluffed bows in the back. Hair was pulled, tugged and cajoled into braids or ponytails.

Even older girls of middle school age wore "children's" styles, although the hair styles began to have more era-reflected variations. They still wore clothes distinctly different from the grown women or high school/college girls.

Now I know that styles change, but my point is that there was a difference in the style of girl's clothes and mom's clothes.  No mothers wore Polly Flinders smocking or big bows in back [although there was an occasional Peter Pan collar on a blouse or dress.].  There were distinct style differences between kids clothing and adults clothing.

It seems now that the only difference is size and proportion.

Little girls clothes now more often wear clothes that are just like their mother's clothes only miniaturized. It makes me a bit sad.  There is so little that is left to be special and distinct about childhood for children now.

It also makes me worried.  If we dress them as mini-adults from toddler years why are we surprised when they attempt/affect other adult styles and behaviors at a too-early age?

I won't rant on about this... just pose that question. But, I am going to spend a few posts over the next few weeks celebrating the fun of childhood activities and moments, of considering rediscovering some of the old pasttimes for children... before iPods and iPads and DVDs and more.  Come along... try a few.
Let's bring back childhood!

Image credits and thanks to: photomeanderings.com, kidsfashion.about.com, blogs.babble.com, flickr.com

Soapbox: Why Foster Parenting is so Tough

 A new foster parent asked me this recently and I stumbled with my answer because there is no simple answer. But, the question deserves an honest attempt at an answer. First of all, foster parenting may or may not be tougher than bio-parenting depending on the kids involved. But I believe it is always more complicated than bio-parenting.

Part of it is because the stakes always seem so much higher with kids in care than with bio kids. With my own bio kids I had the typical challenges of peer pressure, adolescent mouthiness, risky friend choices, fighting the temptations of smoking, drinking, etc., and the typical rainbow of issues. When I felt overwhelmed, particularly as a single parent, I could always seem to find other parents around me who shared the same struggles. We could commiserate and encourage each other.

Foster kiddos have all those traditional rainbow colored issues. But they all too often have an additional rainbow filled with issues colored so deeply that foster parents frequently feel isolated and alone, with no circle of friends to go "Oh, hey, I remember when my kiddo did that... you'll make, it passes." In a conversation among foster parents [especially treatment or therapeutic level children] the talk is less likely about backtalk and misbehavior. Common topics may include firesetting, self-abuse, lack of bowel control, seemingly uncontrollable mood swings or rages, and more. Certainly not topics likely to be shared at your run of the mill parent's association group! The issues bred by abuse, neglect, trauma and loss complicate every parenting strategy and method.

Even so, I don't think the extra issues are what make foster parenting so tough. I think it is the way the issues and the social culture can lead foster parents to feel isolated. The lack of support, encouragement, commiseration and understanding from a peer group or circle makes the process far more difficult. Your friends and family may question your sanity or may support you. Either way your relationship with friends will be forever altered. Even family members will have to shift and adjust and react differently than they would have if you never welcomed new children into your family circle. Some will do it well, some will not, and it will shift periodically. Some shifts will bring wonderful blessings. Some will bring pain and sorrow.

Foster parenting can be a wonderful blessing for the children to whom you offer love and a home. Fostering also can bring blessings and growth to you and those around you. But not always. Sometimes you will feel totally alone. Sometimes you will feel heroic, sometimes you will convinced you are a failure. Bottom line? Foster parenting is like any life... a mixed bag, not really in your sole control. It is a choice and the only thing you can be sure is that your life and the lives of those who know you will never be the same.

Image credits:  witnessla.com,students.cis.uab.edu,babble.com, nytimes.com,listeningear.com

Soapbox: Independence and Irony

Yesterday I had the chance to spend the morning talking with several social workers at a local family agency, who work particularly with youth and adults whose ability to live independently is or may be compromised.  I mentioned that I hadn't decided what to chat about today.  After seeing one of my long-held theories hit home for some I decided I had found my topic.  Not a more typical rant, but a sad, ironic observation and conclusion.

Observation: 
Is is a painful irony that in our American society those young people who are least prepared, least likely, and least able to be successful at living independently are forced to live independently two, four, or even six years sooner than those young people who are most prepared and most able.


This is true whether you are considering their intellectual ability, their emotional ability, their skills level, their instincts or anything else.  This is true whether you consider kids exiting foster care, kinship care,or adoptive and biological families.  Are there occasional exceptions, yes. But, they are occasional if not rare.

The most able of our young people do not have to live independently when they become legal adults at age 18. They move out of home and into a different kind of "supported transitional community"--- a two year community college or trade school, a four year college, some even extend their transition time to include graduate school. They don't face the challenges of independent living until they are in their twenties, sometimes their late twenties.

Image the difference in brain development, skill acquisition, street smarts, social skills, work skills, organizational ability, responsibility, trust, judgement etc etc etc between a 12 year old and an 18 year old.  Now consider the difference between an 18 year old and a 22-24 year old! Consider the illustration above [I couldn't find an image for 12-24 but there are lots of heavy scientific studies and even more plain language reports]:

And then there are finances.  These most able young people generally enter the job marketplace at income levels far about those of the 18 year olds entering the marketplace with a high school diploma at best.  This allows them the luxury of budget and spending mistakes with more opportunity to fix their mistakes than young people living check to check, often with no support system that comes close to the systems available to their older, more able counterparts.

Conclusion: 

If we are not willing and able to prepare these less able young people for successful independent living, or to support them more effectively through their transition to independence, we will end up supporting a large percentage of them through jails, shelters, welfare programs, and other less effective, more expensive bandaid, patchwork approaches. 

If we want the maximum number of people to become contributing members of our society the first step is enabling, training, educating, supporting all young people to be successful at living to the greatest possible degree of independence to which they are able. We need to make independent living skills as important to school curriculums as math, or science, or anything else. 

Image credits: bradstow.wandsworth.sch.uk, pps.k12.or.us, ehow.com

Focus on Fostering: Steal a Moment

Steal a moment.  Sometimes we underestimate the power of a moment.  We think of the highlight of summer vacation being that big family trip.  That day the family did....  That wonderful morning... That movie, show, concert, event....  We forget about the times when a highlight is a simple moment.  Steal a moment today.

Steal a moment today. Pull away from the hectic, the busy, the productive.  Steal a moment with one of your children and whisper something to them, just between the two of you.  Something that you find wonderful in them.  Something that they did that made you happy, or proud.  Something you love to see them do.  Whisper it.  Maybe add a small hug, a squeeze, a high five, a hair tousle, a small gesture that shows a connection.  Steal a moment.

Gift them with a moment JUST for them.  Let them know that in the middle of all the busy-ness, the accomplish-ing, the do-ing, you are thinking of them.  Let them know that your life is happily different with them there.

Find a moment and give it to them.  You never know when A moment can actually be THE moment.

The moment they finally believe they matter.
The moment they really understand that you are not going to give up.
The moment they trust.
The moment they accept that they are loved and worth loving.

Find a moment.

Steal a moment.



Gift them with their moment.

 It only takes a moment......









Image credits:  essentialstyleformen.com, inetgiant.co.uk, tvacres.com

Soapbox: Buy Local

One of the big trends today is "Buy Local."  I have bought local for decades.  Only rarely a big box grocery store for me. I have always paid the extra for the local grocery store.  Yes there are fewer products, but I kind of like that. Yes, it costs a bit more, but I save on gas and time because it is so close by. I also tend to buy less because I am not "stocking up." But the best part was that the people knew me and knew my kids.

As the single parent of a large family I rarely could afford the luxury of grocery shopping alone. I  could bring my tribe there and they understood.  When I was had unexpected surgery they knew I was a single parent and offered to drop off groceries if I ever needed them and couldn't find someone to pick them up for me.  When I commented this year that the only thing I ever have to go to the big store for is to get Diet Coke with Lime [my drug of choice] they asked me how many I need a week and next thing I knew they had ordered it and stashed it aside for me.  Try that in a big box store. Two of my children even had their first work experience in the safe environment of that local, independent store.

So, with summer gardens working their magic you will hear a lot about buying local.  What they say is true.  You should buy local.  Buying local the food is fresher.  Buying local does support the local economy. Buying local does support family farms and independent stores.

But the biggest reason I buy local is the people.

Image credits:  creativegiant.co.uk, thegazette.com, oneclearpoint.wordpress.com, syracuse.com

Soapbox: Hard-wired for Compassion?

I heard a phrase recently that really struck a chord with me and got me thinking.  Movie Director Tom Shadyak was being interviewed about his recent life-revisions. [He went from Hollywood mansion living, directing hit comedies with Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, and more to giving away most of his money and living in a comfortable but small trailer. ]  Shadyak's latest movie [a documentary title "I Am"] interviews all sorts of people about the nature of mankind etc.  The statement he made was that we [humans] are "hard-wired for compassion."

Hard-Wired for Compassion

Think about that for a moment.  What an amazing concept to contemplate.  We as humans hard-wired, built,  to be compassionate. My thesaurus says compassion is like empathy, but a dictionary shows a shading that to me is a crucial difference.  Empathy is the "ability to recognize and understand someone else's feelings and emotions, even their experiences." Compassion is more often defined as "sympathy for another's pain, often including a desire to help."  Sympathy is not neutral. Sympathy is more than recognition. To me, empathy does not require more than dispassionately recognizing and understanding someone else's pain.  Compassion is far more. Compassion means feeling, regretting that pain, and wishing to ease that pain.  Empathy does not seem to require action, but compassion calls for, cries out for action.

Empathy makes you wonder how tornado or tsunami victims can pick up the pieces of their lives and move forward.  Compassion leads you to send money, support... in some way to try to make things better. After Sept 11, 2001 there was an explosion of empathy and sympathy, but compassionate action was seen immediately too... in everyone from New Yorkers handing out water bottles on the street to the Nova Scotians who were so amazing to the passengers of planes diverted to and stranded at their airports.

I like the concept of being hard-wired for compassion....


More about the hard science behind this next week!

Image credit: toppun.com, 123nonstop.com, wichitafallstx.gov

Soapbox: Power

Feeling like you have no power is an easy trap.  Sometimes it seems that every plan I make is hijacked by some child crisis, outside obligation, etc. etc. On the other hand, it is all a crock.  I have a ton of power.  I am a single parent so I am the only adult in the house.  I am the only wage earner, so I know exactly what comes in, and exactly what goes out.  I am the one who signs the checks, punches the code for the debit card, etc.

I may not always be able to choose the circumstances that surround me, but as the saying goes, I can control my reaction to those circumstances.  If I want to raise children who do not label themselves as victims, I have to model that for them. I need to model having power.

What about attitudes?  How can I complain [who, me?] about the 'values of today's young people' without re-examining my own power over the attitudes of my children? How can I say "Why can't I lose weight?" in front of them if I just baked brownies for dessert?  How do I ask "Does this make me look fat?" if I don't want them to measure beauty by shape? How upset can I get about a broken dish if I want them to place a low priority on things? And what do I teach when I drive past the homeless without looking? If I pass by the salvation army kettle? or the child's lemonade stand? If I postpone tucking in a child to finish a TV program? If I bury myself in a book rather than play another game of Candyland?

I  DO  have influence.

I  DO have power.

We all do.

Like the superheroes of my childhood...

the challenge is to look out for the kryptonite

and use my powers for good !

 :-)

Image credits: melissacooksgourmet.blogspot.com, sherriejohnson.blogspot.com

Soapbox: Not our usual vacation

This week is school vacation for my gremlins.  Some of their friends are going to Disney World.  Some of their friends went to Washington D.C., or New York City.  Clearly all of their friends have parents who are way - way - cooler than me!  It would be easier to compete if the weather were warm and cooperative so that I could wow them with outdoor adventures close to home.  But it is cold and dank. The most exciting thing [to them!] that I have done for the week is to cancel their counseling appointments this week, even though we are going to be home. Our usual routine during vacation is to pick a home or yard project and jump into it full throttle, working to get it finished by the end of the week. The kids sleep in a bit, but only an hour or so to avoid getting their bodies out of the hard-won routine.

BUT

This week we are not.  Not what you may ask?  Just not.  Not making a to do list.  Not making a rise and shine deadline.  Not observing usual bedtimes.  Not following usual routines.  My three remaining gremlins are now 13,15, and 19 and hopefully more able to manage the lack of a routine than when they were younger.  [We will see.] One thing is sure.... they are tired of routines. Tired of patterns. Tired of lists. Truth be told, so am I.

SO

Here is our experiment. We are just going to BE this vacation.  Our only goal is to get along without fighting and to do things that will give us joy without causing anyone else misery or pain. We are giving our selves a "time-out" in the sports sense, not the discipline sense. We are "vacating" the rules, routines, and lists. We are on vacation.             [except for the blog of course]

Wish us luck!

Focus on Fostering: Half Empty or Hall Full Life?

Children who have lost their birth families through tragedy, abuse, neglect or other circumstance have a lot that is negative in their lives.  I've talked about strategies for this before [1/18/11 and 3/22/11] but here is a mini-activity for even young kids that only takes a few minutes and can help them learn a key life lesson.  Choose a time when they are in the mood to listen and tell them you have a 5 minute challenge for them.

Tell them you are all going for a special walk.

Give them each 1 or 2  pebbles to put inside one or both of their shoes while they walk.

Give each a long lasting lollypop, hotball, or hard candy to suck on while they walk. [I've also used an ice cream cone.]

Walk for 5-10 minutes. Walk with them... outside, at a picnic area, or even around the inside of the house several times.  Judge the length of time, sweet treat, and pebble size based on the child or teen's age.

Sit down together after the walk and ask them to tell you about the walk. Talk about how they felt.  Talk about what they remember?  What did they see?  How did they like it?  What were they thinking while they were walking.   Chances are they will talk more about the stones in their shoes than the sweet candy taste in their mouth.

Talk to them about how this can show the choices we make about our lives. Everyone has hard things. Every has sweet things.  How do we choose to look at the events of our lives each day.   Do we focus on the bad things or the good things, the tough or the sweet.  Which do we spend more time thinking about? talking about? Remembering?    

Continue to remind them every once in a while about this walk experience when they hit some challenge, or get stuck on their past.  Let me know what tricks you have tried with success!


Image credits: theenergycollective.com, treehugger.com

Soapbox: Patch Adam's Recap

For ten weeks of Wednesdays we have looked at Dr. Patch Adams prescription to heal society and make a better world. I have taken one of his question's each Soapbox Wednesday since Jan 26th.  I thought it would be good to recap by listing all of them together in his order, with the dates I blogged about each.  Maybe those of you who read my blog could send a quick comment reaction?  Which ones did you try? Which looks toughest?   Which would you like to try? Which are achievable? What things are stopping us?etc. I'd really love to hear from you!

1. If no one wants to end up in a nursing home, what kind of community can celebrate all ages together and honor elders?  [Feb 9]

2. Could you choose at least one child you're not related to and give them the time and care they need? [Mar 9]

3. If compassion and generosity were the measure of success that money and power are now, how would your life change? [Mar 2]

4. In order to bond your neighborhood in healthy interdependence you would need to host weekly potlucks. Would you?  [Feb 2]

5. If being publicly joyful, even silly, were beneficial for our society, would you participate? [Jan 26]

6. If you have rooms at your home, why not take in single parents as a gift? [Mar 23]

7. How can we move to an economics of friendship? [Feb 16]

8. Could you do ten or more volunteer hours each week to make a healthier world? [Feb 23]

9. Do you dare to be universally friendly to end violence? [Mar 16]

10. Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to an environmental sustainability project? [Mar 30]

Patch Adam's Ten Questions to Help Heal Society:
Take 10 and Call Me in the Morning!

website: http://www.patchadams.org/questions.htm

Soapbox: Patch Adams... Poverty and Homelessness

Oh my gosh! We have finally come to the last of Dr. Patch Adams' ten questions for a better society. I took the questions out of order, but this one is also the last in his list. I can't put off tackling this one any longer. I think it is the hardest, but also one that would indeed transform the world.


10. Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to an environmental sustainability project?


Now, as friends would say is typical of me... I want to change it. If it were MY question I would change this to: 


Can you match the cost of everything you buy with a donation to end poverty and homelessness? 


So, long story short, I decided to try this for Lent.  Without mentioning it on the blog [protection against abject failure maybe?] I began on Ash Wednesday. Wow!  I can't decide if it was the most important thing I have ever done, the stupidest thing, the hardest thing, the best thing, or what....

I have discovered that I think VERY carefully about whether I can afford X, Y, or Z when it means taking double the amount out of my budget, half for the X, Y, or Z and half to donate. I also decided to exempt mortgage and utility payments, though in a true sense, those would be most appropriate to match to end homelessness.  After a lot of thought I decided that although it would be really tough, I would try to match my grocery shopping money with an equal donation to a local soup kitchen and food pantry. 


The conversations I have had with my children about this have been meaningful, and yes, sometimes a bit loud and a lot frustrated, and yes sometimes inspiring. I don't know if I/we will be able [or is it willing?] to make it all the way through Lent... April 24th is a lonnnnnngggggg way away. 


I don't routinely buy extras, I am not a clothes horse or shoe collector, and I spent so many many years struggling desperately that I don't spend a lot of money.  But I do know that "just" doing it for the last three weeks has transformed my awareness of what I do spend on "necessities" and how much that amount can do for others. Without question, this has been the toughest for me of all Patch's questions, and the one that probably would change the world the fastest. I believe that if somehow this challenge was met by all of us, poverty could indeed be ended, and we would find ourselves richer than we can imagine. 
        Knowing is so so much harder than doing...    
                        ......sigh......


Image credits:  free-stockphotos.com, examiner.com, jdp3.webnode.com

Parenting Tips: Three Kind Acts

Last week I talked about NOT making your children say "I'm sorry" and I referred to what I call 'action apologies.'  Action apologies teach children to SHOW that they know what they did was wrong. When child X has done something wrong to child Y in my house, I want  X to make it up to Y, not just with a verbal apology, but with actions as well.  Whenever feasible I ask Y what X can do to make things right.  If Y suggests something unreasonable I take on the role of mediator. More often Y will say something like "that's ok" or "we're fine" or even "I dunno."  That never gets X off the hook.  No matter how dramatic Xs apology, words are not enough for me.

My solution is one I learned from Pat Miller [Texas] another parenting trainer [and coauthor on my current book project]. It is the rule of Three Kind Acts.

Whenever there is no clear or offered action to make things right between two warring factions..... [oops]... I mean two squabbling children.... the errant child [X] is required to do three kind acts for the victim [Y]. Until that happens child X is not in my good graces or anyone else's.

These kind acts can be as simple as clearing Ys dirty dishes from the table, making Ys bed, or bigger things for bigger offenses.  [One of my kiddos has a specialty of giving back rubs that are prized!] Usually by the completion of the third kind act, most if not all is forgiven.

Try instituting a Three Kind Acts rule. It reminds everyone that actions and words always have consequences.  Poor choices lead to negative consequences.  Good or generous choices can sometimes heal damage. And, for many children action apologies can be easier than verbal apologies.

Besides.... being required to do kind acts for a person you have wronged is not a bad place to begin. Kindness grows kindness. Not a bad harvest to be working toward.

Image credits: uncledansreportcard.com, zwani.com, jacquelicious.com