Parenting Tips: Consequences - part 1

Everytime I go to a parenting workshop or behavior training the concept of logical vs natural consequences seems to be part of the discussion.  Unfortunately, most of the time I hear the terms used incorrectly. I will talk about that in part two [next Thursday]. But my other objection is that few trainers focus enough on the purpose of consequences.  To my way of thinking, a consequence's purpose is to encourage change.  Too often parents choose a consequence for maximum punishment not maximum encouragement. Making a child miserable might be a side effect of the consequence, but it should never be the purpose.

When you impose a consequence with the goal of punishment it is more about you than it is about the child.  It is more about you than the misbehavior. By doing that you risk unintended consequences for yourself.  While you may be intending to teach your child good behavior, you may be modeling something closer to revenge.  You may be modeling the desire to get even, to repay pain with pain. Tempting? Sure. We all [I think] have that little devil inside us that is tempted to respond in kind when we should be responded with kindness.

There is no rule that says discipline has to be mean.  Discipline can be done with love. Generally it is more effective done with calm and with understanding rather than anger or punishment. The child can focus on what is being taught, rather than distracted by resentment, defensiveness, and the need to protect themselves physically or emotionally.

Consequence is defined as "something that follows as a result, the relationship between a result and its cause." The same dictionary defines punish as "to impose a penalty for wrongdoing, to respond harshly, often causing damage or pain."  If our goal as parents is to encourage proper behavior doesn't the relationship approach offer a better chance than punishment? We need to aim for positively effective consequences and be on guard against negative unintended consequences. When you discipline do you impose consequences or punishment? Weigh in, please!

[Part 2 next Thursday]

Image credit:  unintended.jpg at stanslaughter.com