Parenting Tips: Tame the Worries...pt 1

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....

Image crdits:

emotionalmachines.org,

looktothenorth.wordpress.com,

sodahead.com

Focus on Fostering: A Messy Process

I recently was inspired to a different perspective on foster parenting.  It arose from a conversation about whether person x should act on their impulse to try foster parenting.  Person x was asking me and some others for advice about what it is like etc. etc.Usually I say something that focuses on the importance of foster parenting to the lives of children in need of care.  Often I talk about the skills that are helpful in fostering, the challenges one should be ready for, and other such ideas.

But how to prepare someone in simple terms for foster parenting? In simple, clear language?  Foster parenting is messy.  It often lacks clarity. No simple "do x and do y and z will happen".  No "this child will be with you for x months." No definitive answers regarding bio parents.  No promises of "successful" outcomes [however you define success]. It is not neat... it is messy.  It is not neat physically, emotionally, psychologically, or in any way shape or form.

Foster Parenting is messy.

ANY kid of parenting is messy some of the time, but in traditional parenting there are some pretty dependable absolutes.  Not so in foster parenting.  Pretty much everything is up for grabs.  If you need absolute order, foster parenting is not for you.  If you need clear answers and dependable outcomes, foster parenting is not for you.  Foster parents need to be able to accept messy situations without being shaken. Parenting as a work of art is more graffiti-covered than Michelangelo.

On the other hand, much of what is of value in the world is messy for at least part of the process. I doubt even Michelangelo's work on the Sistine Chapel was always clear, always neat, always according to the schedule or the plan. Pottery that is gorgeous requires getting dirty literally up to your elbows as the wheel spins. A garden that bears delicious bounty involves a lot of mess in the process. I don't need to keep going.

Foster parents learn to accept the mess, heck sometimes to even embrace the mess. From foster parenting can come wondrous events, amazing people, inspiring lives..... and yes.... a lot of mess along the way.  Foster parenting is messy.  You will need to get your hands dirty. Know it.  Accept it.  Dive in!

Image credits and thanks to: simonmarsh.org, messycanvas.com

Focus on Fostering: Raise Your Voice

May is Foster Care Month. Chances are that sometime this month the agency you work with will send you a card or sponsor a dinner or do something to thank you for the work you are doing as a foster parent.  Some agencies do it well.  Some not so well.  I am fortunate to be with an agency that does it very well indeed.

What are you doing for foster care month?  Yes, yes, I know that taking care of your kiddos should be enough, but think about it.  Are you doing anything to change some of the ongoing administrative and policy challenges of foster care?  One of the biggest problems with that is that just doing the care demands so much time and energy that there is little left for activism. Enrollment in the National Foster Parent Association is only a tiny fraction of the number of foster parents nationwide.

Usually my Tuesday post is a strategy or tip for helping with the day to day business of fostering the children in our care.  Today I urge each of you to find any way possible, large or small, to find your voice and raise it.  There are literally millions of us... We need to be heard if foster care is to change.

We need to be vocal and active.  If we don't speak up ourselves, how can we expect others to speak up for us.  Remember... we are not speaking for ourselves, but for the children.  We deserve a better system so that we can be and do better for them.  They deserve a better system and better outcomes.  We all deserve a better image and public perception.  Let's raise our voices at least this one month a year. [ If you are too busy.... perhaps you can wear a blue ribbon and use that opportunity to answer questions about foster care.]

And, if your agency does a good job for you... Tell them!  Better yet, tell the people who fund your agency exactly what things they do that work, that make life better for you and your kiddos. Tell them!

Image credits and thanks to: lifetimesentence.tumblr.com, dfps.state.tx.us, aecf.org, fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com, chicagonow.com

Focus on Fostering: Powell tragedy

I have been fighting to not overreact to the news of the tragedy in Washington that cost the lives of Susan Powell's two sons, Josh and Braden, at the hands of their father Josh Powell. I have tried to continue my usual schedule of blogs, not wanting to feed the frenzy or exploit the tragic loss.  But I don't feel comfortable ignoring it either.  Strangely I had pre-written a blog for posting after the holidays that I had titled "Waiting for a Tragedy."  I have now un-scheduled that post.  But the reality is that changes in protocols and procedures, like changes in support and training, all to often follow the pendulum that seems to rule all economic and legal decisions. They grow in reaction to powerful events and shrink in reaction to a stretch of time with an absence of obvious or notable events. Juggling competing rights and needs will always be a challenge. I am painfully familiar with some of the issues, but would like to present three reminders:

1-Good judgment is not easily discerned or defined.

2-Good judgment cannot always be legislated or enforced or enticed. 

3-Good judgment is not clairvoyant. 

Let us pray for those left behind.

Let us pray for comfort and wisdom for those haunted by second-guessing.

And please, let us all pray for that person assigned to take the boys and supervise a visit, who will live the rest of their lifetime with the images and memories of Sunday morning. 

Image credit: writerscafe.org

Soapbox: The Least of Them

Note: For some reason this post didn't load automatically as it was scheduled to, so I am hand-posting it although it is now almost 10 pm and soapbox day is almost over. I feel strongly about this, so I don't want to wait until next Wednesday.  I may end up skipping tomorrow's instead. Here it is:

The Least of Them

I seldom talk politics.  But today I share a quote from Senator and former Vice-President Hubert H. Humphrey's very last speech.  It is his political application of the Biblical assertation that we be judged by how we treat the "least of them."

In my state, as in many many other states, budget cuts are impacting funding for schools, for foster care, for special education, for medical insurance for the poor, support services for the handicapped, etc etc etc.  I see the same types of issues playing out on a national level as well.

So I offer some of Humphrey's parting words. I wish I could send this message to each and every politican, town and state budget planner, administrators, church goers, non-church goers, and to any and every decision maker.

How might our country and our world change if each on of them and each on of us could really hear it, believe it, and act on it !?!

So here is the quote from Hubert H. Humphrey's very last speech.

"...the moral test of government is how that government treats those who are in the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the elderly; those who are in the shadows of life; the sick, the needy and the handicapped. "

How do we fare?

Will our leaders hear?


Can we make the right choices?

What future will we help create?

Parenting Tips: Kid's Books on Decision Making

Do you remembering any of the "Choose Your Adventure" type books?  At various points in the story you have a choice to make.  Depending on what you choose, you go to a different page in the book, over and over making each reading somewhat different.

There is a great series that uses this same approach but deals with moral decisions, peer pressure, etc.  At my last check there were 5 books in the series [$6-10 each], plus a leader's guide [$15] available for the whole series.

Each book is around 60 pages total, but depending on your choices, the actual story length varies. Great for readers 7-12 or a bit older if they struggle with reading.There are several different authors who contribute to the series and the topics are all situations that children face all the time. The same publisher also makes a similar [reader choices] series for ages 4-10 called Kids Can Choose, but I haven't seen any of those myself so can't actually recommend them yet.

The Decision Is Yours series:

Finders, Keepers :  What should you do with the wallet and money you and a friend find.

Making the Grade : More time on soccer than homework and a bad report card make a tricky mix.

First Day Blues : How do you make friends on your first day in a new school?

Bully on the Bus:  What do you do if an older kid in school threatens to beat you up?


Under Whose Influence? : To drink with friends or not?

Focus on Fostering: What's in a Name?

One of the things that makes foster children feel like odd man out is that their last name is usually different from everyone else in the family.  The longer they are with the family the harder it is.  I have often had long term foster children who have desperately wanted to have the same name as mine or the other children in my family.  The desire to "match" is strong.  Sometimes I have even had foster siblings who had different last names from each other making an even wider array of last names in the house.  They still missed that sense of matching that says we belong.

If this problem has ever come up for you, did you know that they can often use your last name for most ordinary purposes?  For example: They can use the family last name [let's say "Sally Smith"] on the school homework papers, permission slips, church, synagogue, scouts, etc.  The only thing they must understand is that all legal papers must be in their legal name[let's say "Sally Jones"]. This means report cards, evaluations, therapy and medical reports, etc. will have their legal name. Sometimes if you talk to the school and your school is cooperative they will put both names [ex: "Sally [Smith] Jones"] If you plan to do this, let teachers know so they aren't caught unaware, and so they can adjust their alphabetical lists accordingly.

Often this can even be done with the blessings of your human services caseworker, particularly if your child is in counseling and the therapist agrees that it would be therapeutically beneficial for the child. They often don't crave the legal change as much as the chance to blend in socially. 

Image credit: teamlobsterbisque.com

Focus on Fostering: Blessings Cake

As all experienced foster parents know, kids in care often see their lives as bleak, as filled with negatives. Part of our job is to help them recognize what is good in their lives.  One strategy I have used is a "Blessings Cake."

I make their favorite kind of cake and frost it with their favorite flavor icing.  Then I buy whatever their favorite colorful candies are.... M&Ms, Skittles, Mike and Ikes, jelly beans, or gumdrops all work fine.

This year I did it as part of our beginning a new year celebration, though not on New Year's Eve.

Each child received a small dish of one color candies, and there was a bowl of mixed colors as back up.

The kids helped me make the numbers of 2012 in one color candy in the center of the cake.

The set up was simple.... We went around the table and took turns naming people that were a blessing in our lives.

Whoever thought of the person put a candy somewhere on the cake to honor them.  IF the same person had been a blessing to more than one, the others could also add a candy as well. We could also name events or situations [getting braces off, having a warm house, etc.] that were blessings.

I found that by using the candy/cake combo the kids were far more invested in thinking up blessings than if we had just been sitting around as a family having a discussion! [The only start of disagreement was whether to make a design with the candies or just toss them randomly on the cake.]

When we ran out of blessings or candies we shared the cake happily aware of the multitude of blessings which each of us had.

My favorite response? 
"Hey Nana, next year we might need TWO bags of Skittles!"

Focus on Fostering: Try a worry wall

All kids worry.  Sometimes though, the worries of kids in care are stockpiled on top of regular kid worries and the pile becomes overwhelming. The worry thoughts crowd their heads and can seem to squeeze out all the good things, the good times, the calm. Try this little trick to tame the worry monster and cut him down to a more manageable size.

1. Get two different color sticky notes.  One color to stand for worries, one to stand for solutions.

2. With your child pick a spot on their bedroom wall. This will become their worry wall.

3. When your child mentions a worry [or you see one] write it on a worry sticky note and put it on their "Worry Wall."

4. Talk to the child about the problem.  When you come up with a plan for dealing with the worry [or even a solution] write it on a solution sticky note and place that sticky note next to and partially over the worry note.

Checking in on the Worry Wall can become part of bedtime tucking in, to kind of review the solutions and strategies so that the child can go to sleep focused on solutions not worries.  Using a Worry Wall also builds a habit of sharing concerns and working together to find solutions.... a habit that will pay off BIG time when your child is a teenager!

Remember... 

the bottom line we ALL

need to learn is....





Image crdits:
emotionalmachines.org,
looktothenorth.wordpress.com,
sodahead.com

Focus on Fostering: The need for space

I talked last week about the social code of personal space, but today is not about conversational space, but space away by yourself.  Some parents think their children [especially adolescents and teens] are spending too much time alone, holed up with their video games or computers or facebook, or just isolated via headphones.  But although that isn't time spent with family... it isn't alone time either.

Kids need to learn how to be alone in their own personal space with time to think, to tinker, to read, to daydream, even to fall asleep.  Possibly the only teens who understand that are those who must share a bedroom with a sibling.  They are painfully aware of not having a place to go to be in their OWN space.  Parents need their own space too.  I suspect it is a basic human need of a sort.  The need to occasionally withdraw, to regroup, to rejuvenate, or just to be ,,, but to be alone.

I think children in care particularly benefit from having a space that is theirs. A space where they can cry, or be angry, or admit they are happy, or admit they have lost so much.  I think we as foster parents need to find ways to teach them how to find space and time to be alone.  Teaching them to find personal quiet at a beach, or on their bedroom floor, or in a field. Teaching them how to claim space and privacy in healthy ways.

After all...

everybody needs alone time.









Image credits:  ourfamilyforhisglory.blogspot.com, waileadailyphoto.blogspot.com, secularcafe.org

Soapbox: My Golden Rule

All this month I have been doing family rules each parenting tip day [Thursdays]. I've done rules for going out, rules about tattling, about privacy, but what about the over-all theme of your home?  Does it address honesty? respect? what? What is the base line for your home?

From when I was a small child I was taught the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  I got that it meant to treat others nicely because you want to be treated nicely. I got that. But when I became a foster parent I sadly learned that there is a step before nice, before love, before anything. A step that most children take for granted and are given automatically, but that others can barely dream of having..... safety.

From my early days of foster parenting I developed my own golden rule that focused on what my baseline was.  My rule was two words.... Safe and Loved.  Everyone in thehouse was to be safe and loved. [I figured that in a way those two words encompassed everything else.  It doesn't directly ention honesty... but....You don't lie to someone you love, you want someone you love to be proud of you, so you hold yourself to a high moral standard in actions and words. etc. etc. Sneaky, but those two words kind of cover a whoooole lot.

Since then I have expanded it a bit because I found that there is something beyond safety, beyond love. I saw that many of the foster children I know seem stuck, even when safe, even when loved. Stuck in their past, stuck in their view of themselves, stuck in their visioning and ability to see a positive future.
Their eyes often lack the sparkle so common in the eyes of their peers. Instead a sadness, an tiredness, even a remaining fearfulness, is often seen.  Everyone deserves to know what it is like to be excited, eager, ...happy. So I added a piece. My parenting goal became: Every child deserves to be safe, to be loved, and to know joy. As a family we wanted that to apply not just to the children in the house, but to the adults, to the pets, and to our guests.

So, our family golden goal is:
   
May everyone who enters this home feel safe, feel loved and experience joy.

I'm sure it will continue to change and shift. What about your family.  What is your personal family golden rule?  Share?

Image credits: presentationadvisors.com

Focus on Fostering: Building a History

Children in foster care and even adoptive children often have few if any photos to remember and commemorate their childhood.  My first foster child came with one wrinkled photo of her with her step father, one of her as an infant, or her siblings, or anything.

One of the kindest things you can do for a foster child is help them start building a history through photographs.  Even if they are only with you temporarily, you can still give this amazing gift.

Start by taking a photo of them the day they arrive as a starting point. [Note: IF reunification with their  bio-family is a possibility you might take one of the child WITH your family and one WITHOUT your family, to give you options as you build their album]. 

Add to their history by taking photos of some of their accomplishments, things they can be proud of, milestones of development, favorites, habits, photos that will document their growth and personality.

Some idea starters:
Baby--smiles, finding their fingers, crawling, walking, etc.

Preschool: Building blocks, playing with playdoh, playground photos, eating favorite foods.

Elementary: learning to skip, jump rope, ride a tricycle or bike, other favorite things
Middle school: sports, extracurriculars, watching tv, on their cellphone, playing Wii

High School:  cooking, doing chores[?], learning to drive, afterschool activities, first job

For school age kids, add in ticket stubs, postcards of places they go, concert programs, clippings of their favorite singers, tv shows, movies etc. 

When every one else has photos of their personal history but you it is very isolating.  Give your foster child at least your piece of their history.


Image credits: blog.sfgate.com,dreamalildream.com, livestrong.com,life123.com

Soapbox: Why Foster Parenting is so Tough

 A new foster parent asked me this recently and I stumbled with my answer because there is no simple answer. But, the question deserves an honest attempt at an answer. First of all, foster parenting may or may not be tougher than bio-parenting depending on the kids involved. But I believe it is always more complicated than bio-parenting.

Part of it is because the stakes always seem so much higher with kids in care than with bio kids. With my own bio kids I had the typical challenges of peer pressure, adolescent mouthiness, risky friend choices, fighting the temptations of smoking, drinking, etc., and the typical rainbow of issues. When I felt overwhelmed, particularly as a single parent, I could always seem to find other parents around me who shared the same struggles. We could commiserate and encourage each other.

Foster kiddos have all those traditional rainbow colored issues. But they all too often have an additional rainbow filled with issues colored so deeply that foster parents frequently feel isolated and alone, with no circle of friends to go "Oh, hey, I remember when my kiddo did that... you'll make, it passes." In a conversation among foster parents [especially treatment or therapeutic level children] the talk is less likely about backtalk and misbehavior. Common topics may include firesetting, self-abuse, lack of bowel control, seemingly uncontrollable mood swings or rages, and more. Certainly not topics likely to be shared at your run of the mill parent's association group! The issues bred by abuse, neglect, trauma and loss complicate every parenting strategy and method.

Even so, I don't think the extra issues are what make foster parenting so tough. I think it is the way the issues and the social culture can lead foster parents to feel isolated. The lack of support, encouragement, commiseration and understanding from a peer group or circle makes the process far more difficult. Your friends and family may question your sanity or may support you. Either way your relationship with friends will be forever altered. Even family members will have to shift and adjust and react differently than they would have if you never welcomed new children into your family circle. Some will do it well, some will not, and it will shift periodically. Some shifts will bring wonderful blessings. Some will bring pain and sorrow.

Foster parenting can be a wonderful blessing for the children to whom you offer love and a home. Fostering also can bring blessings and growth to you and those around you. But not always. Sometimes you will feel totally alone. Sometimes you will feel heroic, sometimes you will convinced you are a failure. Bottom line? Foster parenting is like any life... a mixed bag, not really in your sole control. It is a choice and the only thing you can be sure is that your life and the lives of those who know you will never be the same.

Image credits:  witnessla.com,students.cis.uab.edu,babble.com, nytimes.com,listeningear.com

Focus on Fostering: Questions, Questions

How many times has your foster child been asked "How come you don't live with your own parents?" by a friend, by a child, or even by an unthinking adult? It is just one of many tough, personal questions that kids in care get asked over and over.  As a new school year approaches part of the dread and anxiety is often tied to meeting new kids with new questions. I think it is our responsibility as their foster parents to help them with how to handle personal questions that invade their memories, and their privacy.  In the language of texting, we need a polite way that they can say MYOB [Mind your own business].

How to answer depends on the age/maturity of the child being asked and on who is asking.  But the first thing that I think we owe our kiddos is the right to privacy.

We need to teach our children that just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean they have to answer it.

Children have a right to keeping personal information personal.  In this day of tweeting and facebook and my yearbook, and skpe, more and more personal information seems to be out in the world, and once information is out there, it is hard [if not impossible] to call back.


Teach children that it is okay to say, "I'm sorry, but that is very personal to me." or "I really don't want to talk about that." Even "Our family's business is our family's business."


There are may, many ways to answer questions about foster care that can educate their friends, or give enough information to satisfy their curiosity without revealing personal secrets. But, all too often we forget the possibility of NOT answering the question.  Children who have had traumatic or painful childhood's have a right and a need for privacy.  All children deserve privacy. Let's teach them that privacy is okay. Privacy is good.

Image credit: the-cat-alyst.blogspot.com

Caring Heart: Turning down a Placement

One of the most painful parts of being a foster parent is when a caseworker calls about a child who needs to be placed and for some reason your instincts tell you to say no, while the heart within you is focused on how badly the child needs someone to say yes.  

Turning down a Placement

I said "No" today.  I believe it was the right decision, but I still feel guilty.  When they called and said she needed a home, I was tempted.  But as I listened to their description of her and her needs it just didn't feel right.  I can't even put my finger on a simple issue.  It wasn't just her age, or her history.  It wasn't just her academic and emotional profile.  The whole package just didn't seem like a good fit.  She needs a home so desperately.  Bit I just am not sure that this is the right home to meet her needs, to help her grow and heal.  These children have been through so much, Lord.  They need stability.  Starting here and discovering the match was bad would have been just one more broken relationship, one more blow to her self-esteem, one more sign that grownups can't be trusted, won't stay.  I just couldn't bear to be that or do that to her.  Be with me and give me wisdom and judgment as young lives like hers are brought before me. Guide her to a family that IS a good fit.  Be with her until that day comes, and be with her forever after.  

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Soapbox: Home Repairs-Kid Repairs

Someone asked me the other day how foster parents do it.  I usually just fluff the question off, but afterward I kept thinking about it. I decided to tackle the question... After all,  building a child is not like a Build-A-Bear workshop where you take A,B,C,D,E, and poof you have a fully functioning individual. I think helping foster/adoptive/or otherwise traumatized kids is a lot like house repairs.
As comedienne Gilda Radner always used to say, "It's always somethin."
Anyway... here are five key skills I think foster parents need, and all good foster parents have.

1. They are prepared to climb a few ladders to get to where the root of the problems may be. Kids and houses and their problems won't necessarily be immediately obvious. You may have to do some looking. Waiting for the child to come to you is not a good plan.

2. You need to have a big bunch of good tools.
Take trainings whenever you can. Read newsletters, magazines, articles, and books to learn from the experts.  Join with others and learn from their experience. [Apprenticeship works in more than just plumbing!] The more good tools in your toolbox the more likely you will have the right tool for each repair when the need arises.

3. You need to know the limits of your skills.
--Do you have the skills, patience, resources, and energy for a major rebuild of a seriously neglected house?
--Or are you looking more for a relatively simple fixer-upper that needs a fresh coat of love-paint, and some sprucing up? [P.S. Be prepared, with kids just as with houses, sometimes you think you have a simple project and when you start working it suddenly gets much more complicated!]

4. You need to know when to call in experts.
If you discover the supporting beam, the foundations are damaged beyond repair, this is not a do-it-yourself project.  Call in the people who know how to deal with whatever the issue is.  We wouldn't blame ourselves for not knowing how to put  in foundations or repair a chimney. Why should we feel that we can handle any and all child building on our own?

5. Face the fact that you will never be done.  Just like a house, just when you think everything is set for a while.... something happens.  Even people who buy brand new houses usually have unexpected problems surface.  Likewise something that looks all shiny and great at first sometimes isn't.  You may see a small crack and when you start to dig in and repair it, the crack is just a small red flag for a much deeper problem. They made a movie called "The Money Pit" years ago about how a house is never finished.  Kids are kind of like Love Pits... you never know when they will need an infusion of extra love. But all in all as pits go... a love pit isn't so bad.

These may not be the perfect answer, but it's more honest than my usual brush-off. Anyone want to chime in their answers?

Image Credits:  coastalhomerepair.com,bankrate.com biz.yahoo.com, avirtualdominica.com, dreamstime.com
ehow.com, starthrower-foundation.blogspot.com

Soapbox: Saying Goodbye--"Worth Every Tear"

Today's post is a guest post. I found it on the blog "Called to Foster" and got permission to post it here.  Every foster parent should print this and keep it close at hand to remind themselves the mighty gift of love they give, even when they have to say goodbye.  Thanks for guesting... and Well said! 





from "Called to Foster" July 24, 2011 ---

Worth Every Tear

I handed an itsy-bitsy over this morning.  We were the “intermittent” caregivers. The one who cared for her in-between the in-between.  It was never meant to be more than temporary. She came from a wonderful and hopeful adoptive family who loves her and this morning I handed her over to a great uncle, great aunt and cousins who also love her.

I know she will be safe, taken care of and loved but it still hurts to loose her. I can only imagine how much worse it hurt for the hopeful adoptive family.  They held, rocked and loved on her the first weeks of her life then handed her over to us knowing it might be their last time seeing the daughter they have fallen in love with. Their last cuddle their last kiss and tears.

Seven days later our family released her… another last cuddle, last kiss and more tears.  No matter what the circumstances are, when you’re handing over one you have loved and cared for it hurts. It doesn’t get easier just because she’s our 22nd child, it doesn’t get easier because she was only here seven days, it doesn’t get easier because she’s going to a home where she will be okay. It’s still a loss and it still hurts.

Today will be a day of tears.  Tears, as I held her in my arms for the last time, as I walked away leaving her with her new family.  More tears when I came home and unloaded her car seat then took apart her bed.  Again tears poured out as I sat in church and even more when I found two tiny diapers in my purse.  It maybe a day of tears but thankfully it will also be a day to count blessings.  She is blessed.  Blessed with three families who without a doubt love her.  Two of which risked heartbreak to love and provide for her during her first few weeks of life.

There are thousands of children out there who are hoping for just one person to love them, one person to call their family, one person to take that risk.

Fostering often doesn’t come without heartache but it’s worth every tear, everytime!

You can find more thought-provoking, heartfelt posts at: http://calledtofoster.com/

Caring Heart: Learning to Say Goodbye

School ends for my kiddos this week. Some of their friends are moving away.  Soon they will meet, make new camp friends, and say goodbye to them. I am reminded of this meditation. I hope it helps some of you.

Learning to Say Goodbye [when it isn't forever]

Help him say goodbye.  He needs to learn that all goodbyes are not forever.  That sometimes a goodbye is a sad moment for a happy reason. You say goodbye to one teacher because you are going to the next grade.  You say goodbye to another because she is getting married and moving to another school.  You say goodbye to a friend who is heading off to college.  This child lives with so many goodbyes to his family.  A family that is broken.  And so, goodbyes for him bring nothing but memories of sadness and loss  Help him learn to say goodbye.  Help him learn ways to stay in touch when it is reasonable and good.  Help him live with the loss when staying in touch is not realistic.  Help him see the celebrations hidden within some goodbyes.  Help him separate the goodbye that forever changed his life from the ordinary everyday goodbyes of daily life and of growing up.  Help him learn to say goodbye.

Excerpted from "The Caring Heart Speaks: Meditations for foster, kinship, and adoptive parents" by Gail Underwood Parker   Artwork by Anna Parker David from the book cover. 

Focus on Fostering: Foster Teens??

If you have teenaged foster children I have a resource to offer you and them.

            T H E     F O S T E R    C L U B

This organization is jam-packed full of amazing teens who are or were foster children.  They have lived the life of a foster child and are there to support and encourage other foster children in dozens of ways.  As their "about us" page opens:

"FosterClub is the national network for young people in foster care....

Every two minutes, a child’s life changes as they enter the foster care system. Currently, there are over 513,000 young people in foster care in across America. FosterClub is their club — a place to turn for advice, information, and hope."

On their site www.fosterclub.org  ---

-- your foster teen can take a survey and maybe win a iPod!

--they can read about and be inspired by 100 outstanding foster kids who were recently honored









--they can explore lists of famous people who were once foster children [from Ice-T and Eddie Murphy to Dr. Ruth and Dr. Wayne Dyer]

There is so so so much more.  There is also information for grownups, stats on foster care, and lots of help.  This is a great online place for your kiddos to start to hang out!  Check it out.  Spread the word.

Image credits: fosterclub.org

Focus on Fostering: Kids' Foster Care Book

I am always on the lookout for good books about foster care and foster care issues.  Today I share a book about the journey from being taken into custody thru a year in a foster home and eventual kinship placement.

From the "Hurts of Childhood" series it is:

For Your Own Good:
A Child's book About Living in a Foster Home


by: Doris Sanford
Ill by: Graci Evans
Pub: Gold'n'Honey Books [part of the Questar publishing family]  Multnomah Books

An Amazon.com reviewer said "It addresses the feelings of confusion, self-blame, loneliness, and hurt that all children in foster care experience." and it does. I also appreciated the 10 statements about foster care they include at the back of the book.  All prospective foster parents should should have these as core understandings.


This book is not written to be clever or amusing or emotional. It is a straightforward description of some of the feelings and behaviors and events common to children in their first year of foster care. It uses a fictional boy and his younger brother and follows life from their original home situation to being taken into custody, court hearings, emergency placement, adjusting to a foster home, counseling, failed family visitation, acting out, adjusting to the new life, school struggles and resource rooms, and eventual placement with relatives out of state. All this is done in only 26 pages filled with beautiful colored pencil/pastel illustrations. 


Alibris used books has a couple of copies for around $4 because it is currently out of print.  You also can probably find it through interlibrary loans or other used book sites.  Click on the link to see if they are still at Alibris.  


The same author in the same series also wrote:

I Can't Talk About It:  
A child's book about sexual abuse  [for girls] 


  and Something Must Be Wrong With Me: 
               A child's book about sexual abuse [for boys]