Time to Let Go

       I am tired of letting go.  For the last year [or years] I have had to let go of pieces of me.  For the last two months I have been frantically cleaning and sorting the piles [ok, some of the piles] in my house and getting rid of stuff. [Not for the first time, more like revisiting a frequent resolution.] Box after box went to Goodwill, bag upon bag of trash to the dump, --donating, recycling, and throwing away the debris of my life.  Don't misunderstand, it feels good ---most of the time.  I feel rewarded by clear spaces in my house, by orderly bookcases that were once double and triple shelved.  Clear desk tops that used to look like they were oozing a constant lava stream of paperwork, notes, half-written notes, and un-mailed cards. I love the way it looks. I am proud of the progress.  But sometimes I almost physically ache with the process of letting go of pieces of the past, of ticket stubs and programs that spark memories, of baby clothes that remind me of a time when my life was so simple, so "normal" ... so different than it is now. 

       I think part of why I hang on to those things is an inner longing that life could be that simple, that clear again.  I sometimes would like to be that younger me again.  Not just to be the 120 pounds I used to be [though that would be wonderful!].  Not just to be younger and more energetic [also a nice thought].  More to be the person that had not yet learned how cruel life can be, how much people can hurt one another, how quickly love can become abandonment or cruelty, how completely life can change in a moment. 

     But I need to let go.  I need to get rid of the debris, the piles, the boxes, the bags.  So, I am resolving to not simply remove things from my house, but to really and truly let go.  To release the pain.  To release the anger.  To move past the hurt.  To celebrate the lessons learned, the skills gained, the flexibility developed. Perhaps I will be rewarded not only with a cleaner, more organized home, but a clearer, calmer, more peaceful existence.  We'll see.