Introductions and Shaming

I made my foster children feel shamed this weekend. I certainly didn't mean to, but that doesn't change the hurt, nor the fact that I have to make it up to them. One of my kiddos is still away at camp, leaving two boys at home. On Saturday I was invited to a get together to meet my youngest [and newly engaged] daughter's fiance's parents. [Someone really needs to come up with a word for the relationship between two sets of in-laws.] I have never met them and they graciously had invited my daughter and all her sisters to come to their house and get to know each other. They also invited some of my daughter's grown friends. [My daughter is almost 30] It was a lovely idea. At first I thought it was just grownups so RSVPd that it would be just me, not the kiddos. When I realized that my married daughters and spouses were bringing their children I still chose not to bring my kiddos.

Before you jump on me... the other six grandkids are between 1 and 7. They all live near each other and hang out together a lot. The two kiddos I had planned to leave at home were 15 and 18. I knew that they wouldn't like the 2 hr ride each way. I knew their sister at camp would be upset if they went and she didn't. I knew they would be sort of odd-guys out with no easy way to fit into the little kids group or the adult group. And, to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to the me-time of a car ride alone and a day away from the house. Those are the factors that I considered.

When I got home and was showing the pictures of the get-together I suddenly realized that the boys felt left out.... and it came out that it wasn't just feeling left out, it was feeling left behind. Being kids more emotionally fragile than many, they jumped to the assumption that I had been ashamed to bring them to the outing. That had not been my intention, but like many struggles between perception and reality, the hurt and damage was real regardless of my intentions. And was I diligent enough? Did I wrongly think they might not be as welcome? Was I unconsciously reacting based on previous embarassment when the kiddos had misbehaved? Was I worried about first impressions? Was I trying to avoid questions and explanations? How would the other family members reacted? Was it really more my fault than I cared to admit? Was I being selfish?

If you are reading looking for some amazingly wise solution or conversation that instantly "fixed" everything, you are out of luck. I don't have a solution. I haven't miraculously healed the hurt with my explanation or apologies. I just share because this is a just another example of life as a foster parent and the emotions and pitfalls that sometimes trip us up. We are far from perfect. Today I feel it.