Why can't I live with my REAL mother?

I used to dread it when I got this question.  I hated it because it had no simple answer. I hated it ever more because I knew it took such courage for them to ask it.  Since then I've learned a few ways to answer it that seem to feel comfortable for the kiddos.  It depends on the age of the child, the temperment of the child, the situation from which they came, etc. etc.   If you are doing foster care, you are probably better than most at "sensing" where kids are emotionally, whether you realize it or not. I've found some helpful books that I will recommend in other posts one of these days. But the real comfort I found was in a workshop by A. Pat Miller several years ago. Since then I no longer dread the question. Her strategy not only helps ME answer the child's question, but I can offer a variation to young children to answer when young friends ask them why they don't live with their mom. 

My favorite answer to the child:    [courtesy of Pat Miller's workshops]

"Everybody is good at some things and not so good at some things."  [Here I use examples they are already aware of like a sister that's good at riding a bike, not at bowling; a friend who is good at soccer, but not science; a brother that is brave about shots, but afraid of spiders, etc.]Then I explain that the same is true about grownups.  I give examples of people they know and things they are good and not good at.  Then I connect it to parenting. " I'm not so good at xxxxx. But, I am really good at keeping kids safe and loved" [For older kids I add "and helping them grow up and learn to be good people."]  Your mother was really good at making beautiful, wonderful babies... like you. [I often mention the child's hair, or eyes, or smile etc.] But, she isn't as good at keeping children safe.  She has a hard time doing that.  And all kids need to be safe and loved. So, you are living with me, all beautiful like your mother made you, but staying with me so you can always feel safe and loved. "

If reunification is a possibility, I continue with something about "while your mother is trying to learn how to be better at keeping children safe and helping them grow up."  

If neglect and abuse were not from the mother I can also say that she was good at loving them, but not as good at keeping them safe, or not as good at helping them grow, etc. 

If visitation and contact will continue I can add something about that also.  One of the reasons I like this approach is because it doesn't villify the parent that the child still misses and is drawn to.  It is a simple statement of fact.  It doesn't put me in place of the parent either. It opens the door for later discussions about being able to love the parent and still having room in their heart for someone else.  Kids who suffer from FAS or other repercussions from seriously poor prenatal choices may require some extra thought and care in answering if they are aware of those issues. 

My favorite answer a child can give:    [courtesy of Pat Miller's workshops]

All young children understand people going to school to learn things.  They go to school themselves and they see lots of young people and adults who take classes and attend school. 

When friends ask why they don't live with their mom, but with me I teach them several possible answers.

1- XXX really likes taking care of kids , so she is taking care of me while my mom can't.   [Sometimes that is enough of an answer and the friend's curiosity is satisfied.] If they ask why the mom can't.....they can go to #2 or #3

2- It's private and I don't want to talk about it.  [A great chance to teach children that privacy is ok, that you don't have to answer a question just because it is asked.]

3- I'm staying with XXX while my mom and dad are studying about being parents.  [If they understand the "all people are better at some things than other things" this doesn't seem strange and kids can usually explain it easily.]

All of these help a child out of a socially awkward situation, one where they might normally make up a lie to avoid a question they can't answer.  Children need to be taught how to handle social situations without lying.