Timing is Everything

Today I have been thinking about timing.  Timing seems so much more crucial in parenting kids with challenges.  Kids who are so called "typical" [whatever that is!] seem to be able to roll with things so much better.  Kids who are challenged by behaviors or developmental struggles don't seem to have the same flexibility.  This means that as parents we need to be so much more conscious of what we do.  not that we always manage it, mind you.  Remember the need to recognize that we all will drop a few plates no matter how hard we try.  [See my April 15th blog entry about spinning plates.]

But back to timing.  Looking for a "teachable moment" is crucial.  Teachable moments are NOT when a behavior or event comes up where some teaching is needed.  That happens all too often!  However, that is probably the LEAST teachable moment. 

Why not?

The moment that a child has been "caught" doing something wrong is a moment when the child is likely to be in a completely unteachable state.  In my experience kids seem to go in one of two directions.  One: Some become totally defensive.  They often show this by going on a strident offense behaviorally and verbally, often escalating the situation the more you ry to talk them down.  Two: They say "Whatever!" or "Who cares?" or something equally annoying trying to convince you that it doesn't matter at all to them.   

While they are portraying this don't-care-attitude outside or exploding all over the place, inside they are likely to be experiencing anything from a simply knotted stomach, to a full-out fight-flight response.  Either way, this is NOT a moment when they can listen, much less learn. [P.S.  Also, this might not be your best moment to teach!] This is the time to keep it simple.  

So how and when DO we teach?

Here are a few ideas I try [not always successfully] to remember:

1. Stay calm. Keep an even tone of voice and calm, matter-of-fact exterior.  [NO, you may not scream, yell, or turn purple, despite the temptation, perhaps even the justification.]

2. Clearly and simply label the mistake. Keep it short and specific Ex:  "In our home, NO one is allowed to hit someone." Do NOT get into character bashing.   [In other words, no "I am so sick and tired of you xxxx-ing."] 

3. Keep everyone safe.  If possible give the child a safe out-- a place or time to keep others safe and the child safe while he or she regains calm.  [Ex: Why don't you go in the den until you feel a little quieter inside?"]  If you read yesterday's blog entry ab out a Calm Spot, this is the perfect time to use it. I often add something like "I 'll be there in a little bit to help you."  [Yes, I know this may b e followed by a screamed "I don't NEED your help, etc. etc".... but  they have still heard me.

4. LATER.. This might be in 15 minutes, or an hour, or even a few days.  How do you know when?  It is a time when the possibility of talking [prefera bly in private] is possible.  It is a time when the mood is calm and the child is on an even keel. It is a time when YOU have also calmed down enough to think clearly, be fair, listen, and be reasoned in your plan.  THAT is the teachable moment.  This is the time when you AND the child can talk and think about what happened.  That is when you can talk calmly and matter-of-factly together about the event. What other choices were there? How could it go better the next time? You believe the child can do better. You will help them learn how to do better etc. etc.  This is not a parent punishing a child. This is not a time for berating, or belittling, or battling. These are the times when you become a team working on the problem together, finding solutions together. 

Timing is everything.  Timing is hard.