A few words about "experts"
1- I question "somebody's" [whoever they are] definition of successful. If they mean famous, ok. But that is certainly [and luckily] not my definition of success.
2- I am not convinced they are better trained. They undoubtedly have more letters after their name or titles in front of their name. They surely have spent more hours, and more money on their educations. But have they lived any of what they are experts about? I don't mean that you have to live it to become expert. [suicide comes to mind as an obvious exception]. But in foster care for example I do think that those of us who live day in and day out in this world have at least the right to disagree with those whose study is scientific, written, or read.
What's the point?
Sooooo...What's my point you may be asking? Back to resilience. For the most part, I don't think foster children, especially those who have experienced trauma or neglect, need to develop resilience. I think they have more resilience than most human beings, than most adults, than almost any group of people. I don't think they need our help to develop it. I sometimes think I should take lessons from them to build my resilience. Look at what they have survived. If I experienced half of what some of my foster children have at the age they did, I can't imagine how they have done as well as they do. Heavens, if I have a headache, or if its the third rainy day in a row, I want to crawl under my covers and not get up. But every day kids all over the country who would love to have a headache or the weather be their problem, get up, often take care of themselves, and do their best to be safe. Often they take on the parent role for younger sibs etc. Do they bear the physical and emotional and developmental scars of their experiences ..of course. But they get up. They keep going. And yes, they sometimes do it by fighting. But they keep going. When I think about it I am less shocked at the times they cannot be attentive in school, than amazed that they ever manage to put it behind them and focus on science, math etc. I am less annoyed by their misbehavior, than proud that they ever can move past their grief and loss to function and allow themselves to feel joy.
So, I for one do not want to hear any "expert" talk about how sad it is that poor pitiable foster children aren't resilient. I salute foster children as the most resilient people I know.
Anyone want to challenge this perspective? Anyone want to join the bandwagon? Opinions? Speak up!
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I think the kids in my life has a resilience based on detachment that is stuck at a developmentally young age. They keep themselves safe by being emotionally isolated, but can't figure out how to open the Yellow Pages to find something they need. Stress affects them in a more profound and debilitating way. They can sometimes regress to the very young needs of food, shelter, warmth. My challenge is how to help them recognize that resilience so they can build on it to make them a successful adult. I worry that their ability to make informed decisions about their future (short or long term) is hampered by the very resilience that has helped them survive their early childhood. I guess I fear that the early resilience can turn into a formidable wall if they get stuck there. And I worry that the vulnerability they will feel when they start to let down those barriers will keep them from moving forward to adult resilience.
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