Focus on Fostering: Why can't I live with my mother?

In my new plan, Tuesday's blog entries will be for specific issues of foster parenting and adoptive parenting. Most everything that works with foster and adoptive children works for biological children too so biological parents don't need to automatically ignore these posts. However, what works for biological children may not work the same for adoptive or foster children.... so if that's your situation... Tuesdays are especially for you!

Today: Answering one of the tough questions.

"Why can't I live with my mother?

While not every child asks this, many foster and adoptive children sooner or later ask, "Why can't I live with my mother?" There are a lot of books out there to help adoptive children with this. Many focus on a parent choosing to release their infant, or a child being abandoned or orphaned. I want to offer an option for those children who were taken away from their parent/s. For these children there is extra pain because it isn't that the parents cared too much, or didn't care. Their parents put them in danger either from abuse or neglect [or whatever prompted legal authorities to step in to protect the child]. How do you explain that to a young child?

After dealing with this situation many times I was thrilled to attend a workshop on "Tough Questions" led by A. Patricia Miller several years ago. Since then I have followed her advice and my little guys have responded very well to the following type of conversation. [I will use basketball because my kiddos have seen basketball games and I am barely 5'2." Change the comparison to fit you if needed. The typical responses from kids are in italics. Hints are in smaller type. It isn't a long conversation, just a quick, to the point one.

"Have you ever watched a basketball game? I love basketball. When I was younger I used to dream about playing basketball. I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a famous basketball player. [By this time my kids are usually already laughing at the image.] What? You don't think I could be a great basketball player? Why not? ["You're too short!!"] What if I practiced every day and went to classes to be a great basketball player? ["You'd still be too short!"] Yes, I guess you're right. I might get better and be able to at least play basketball for fun once in a while, but I could never be a really great basketball player. Is it my fault I can't be a great basketball player? ["Noooo."] Should people be mad at me or my friends make fun of me because I can't be a great basketball player? ["No." or "They might, but they shouldn't."] Well, being a parent is kind of like being a basketball player. Not everybody is good at it. You can study it. You can practice it. You can even take classes in it. [Sometimes they interrupt with surprise at classes for parenting.] But some people just can't seem to be good at it no matter how hard they try. [ If it is appropriate to your situation add: "Some people are so bad at it that they give up and don't even try to get better." Kids really do understand that discouragement and defeatism, because either they feel that way about something or have a friend who has given up on something for the same reason.] Your mom [or dad or both] is like that.... just not very good at being a parent and keeping you safe and loved. [Sometimes I add that they were good at the loving part, just not the safe part but be careful the image you present of what love is.] But guess what they were good at? [all kinds of answers] They were great at making beautiful babies. Just look at you! They made you [and ____ and _____ if there are siblings]! And you were not only a beautiful baby, but they gave you a start that has turned into someone who is already good at .... [Fill in anything from climbing the monkey bars, to saying thank you, to skateboarding, to anything.] They did such a great job. And you know what else? I am so glad that even though I can't ever be a great basketball player, I am good at being a parent. Do you know why? Because I got the chance to be the parent for you!"

Let the child think about it afterwards and repeat the explanation again the next time they ask. Often as they get older they will want examples and details. You can share what is safe and true and kind [and allowed]. You will have laid the groundwork with this conversation. This also gives them a safe explanation they can understand and even share with friends in whom they choose to confide.

Keep me posted on how it works for you! Comments?