Setting the Bar

Success is measured differently by parents of children with challenges.  It really doesn't matter whether they are your children, foster, adoptive, or maybe alien children. If you are raising a child [or more than one] with challenges you either learn to adjust your definition of success or you go crazy.  Perhaps both. 

 If you have a child with encopresis [an inability to control one's bowels] then a week withonly 24 soiled underpants is a victory worthy of celebrating.  If you have a child with a history of severe trauma, seeing the child merely jump up to see where the ambulance that went by is headed may be a celebration of the fact they did not run screaming, and hide under something. If you have a child with reactive attachment disorder you may find yourself celebrating a day the child only pinched you instead of hitting or spitting. If you have a child with anxiety disorders seeing only one blanket nailed covering their bedroom window may be a success, or seeing them silent but shyly looking at a visitor, rather than hiding,  may be a huge cause for celebration.  If you have a child who refuses to eat, hearing them ask for an apple is monumental, but if your child is overweight seeing them stop at just one may be equally so. 

Which brings me to a saying for which I am well known... "It's all in where you set the bar."  People who first hear me say that at trainings sometimes become offended, jumping to the conclusion that I am not willing to set high goals for challenged children.  That is far from the truth.  The truth is that I try to understand what IS a high goal for a child with challenges. I offer you myself.  I am [if I stand very straight] almost 5 feet 2 inches tall.  I always say I am 5'2" because I remember when I was 5'1" and always assumed I must have grown another inch.  [All you tall folks out there, stop laughing!] In fact I am more likely 5" 1-1/2" tall at best.  Now, given that information.... if you were to see me try to dunk a basketball and come close would you not feel that celebration worthy?  Perhaps more celebration worthy than a similar result from Michael Jordan [considerably taller..and I might add considerably more athletically gifted than I]? Whether we like to admit it or not we DO set different goals and expectations based on people's genetics and training and natural abilities [or in my basketball example, lackthere of!]

Why should it be different for children who happen to be autistic, mentally retarded, anxious, compulsive, traumatized, etc...  even short?  Each person's bar of success is different, and each bar should be ever mobile, always moving up to reflect each success.  Look at your children, with or without challenges, as individuals with different bars.  Set the bar to fit the child. Set it at a place that is achievable with moderate effort. Then you have two wondrous opportunities...1- To celebrate with them a moment of success, of achieving a goal. 2- To teach your child that when you achieve a goal you enjoy the success, you set a new goal, and you start toward that one, etc. etc. always growing, always achieving, always celebrating, succeeding.  Teach them to live by their own bar of success, and to celebrate each success with a new setting of the bar. 

We all need successes to celebrate.  We learn from failures but we are motivated by success.  Look for ways and places to set the bar for your children so that they and you can celebrate together. You might even try it for yourself. 

It's all in where you set the bar.